Well I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking and reflecting on myself and my nature. I’ve been thinking about my friends and those whom I love, and what the effect of having me in their lives must do to them. I’m always so up and down, it must be exhausting. I know it is for me. I don’t know if I’m actually capable of feeling something as profound as love. Not in the typical sense anyway. Like most things, it’s never really based on something long term, because I live my life day to day.

But I’d really love to be able to be someone other people can rely upon. Someone who you can look upon and know that I’m great how I am. But really, I just don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now it’s not. I have all the ambition in the world to be that guy, but the reality of the situation isn’t that simple…  I don’t have a job. I’m a borderline nutcase. I don’t even have any real ambitions for the future.

I just want to be happy ya know? Is that such a bad thing? 

I stayed up really late last night and really put some thought into why I am how I am. And I guess it’s about a few things. Mostly fear. If I invest in something long term, and put some faith and hope into it, then when it blows up in my face I’m left feeling like a failure. I’m not scared to dive in, it’s what I do and more often than not, it’s without thinking. And I often pay for it later on.

You see, I always take the blame. Even when things are not my fault. It’s always because of some flaw in ME that things don’t work out. I find it easier to live in the moment, even though I’d love to have something or someone who I can rely on. I just don’t know if that’s even possible. I struggle every day with myself and my nature. I wish I could be something more. More than anything. I just don’t know how. I’m just not strong enough… I have to admit that.

The worst thing is when I find myself attached to something or someone. It’s all I can think about. But it’s not real. It usually never was. It’s usually based on some idea of finding something to help make myself feel like I’m more complete, like I’m a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing a dozen pieces. But it’s more about impulse, and wanting to feel something different than THIS.

I’m sorry I complicate things. I know I can be hard to understand, and I make things difficult. It’s only because I care. And while it would be easier for everyone involved if I didn’t have such feelings, I can’t and won’t take them back. Because it reminded me that I’m at least capable of feeling something like that. Because for the longest time, I never believed I could. So I won’t take any of it back, even though it always hurts…

I’ve never spent the night with someone I love. I’ve never really had trouble gaining interest, but it’s usually superficial. All the great qualities in my are outweighed by the flaws in me. I’m clingy, erratic, insecure, impulsive, irresponsible and a little obsessed with sex. And I don’t know if I’m designed for happiness.

Look, this isn’t me feeling all sorry for myself. It’s about accepting a potential truth. I am how I am. I just don’t think that other people were meant to get me. If you know what I mean. While I’m by no means a bad person, I’m not exactly someone you could be proud of or put some stock into. I’m just all over the place. And I’d love some stability. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t know if I can. Part of me is comfortable like this. Comfort equals safety. But I’ve always yearned for something more. But I don’t dare to dream that such a thing is possible for me.

While I am a thousand times better than how I used to be, and I understand myself now in ways I never believed I could, I am still a child. And I understand why you cannot rely on me, or put your faith in me. I’d say sorry, but really I’ve done nothing wrong. I live day-to-day because the idea of a future is alien to me. If I look ahead then only disappointment awaits. I’m tired of feeling like a gigantic fuck up. I’m 32 years old, and I don’t have anything to show for all the years I’ve lived so far, besides dumb shit like a TV and video games and lots of DVD’s. It’s all just stuff in the end. I’m unemployed. I rarely leave the house. I’m lazy. I don’t eat well and I’m a struggling addict. I love sex, drugs and alcohol far too much, but I have avoided them as much as I can. I guess I’ve always wanted more.

I want a house, a wife, a family of my own, a life I can look back on when I die and think, “Wow Adam, you’ve done really good. But how can I achieve such things when I’m so messed up? How can anyone share themselves and allow me to share myself when I’m so guarded and so many things about me are so misunderstood?

It makes sense to me, why casual relationships have always been the norm for me. It’s so much easier to enjoy a night of passion with someone than it is to be around long-term. I’ve had a lot for people come and go. Sometimes it feels like it’s meant to be, that it’s a part of life that people move on. But I still take it as a rejection of sorts. But I don’t blame them. How can I? I’m no role model. I’m not even responsible. Far too impulsive, far too erratic. I understand why all the things I’ve craved my whole life, basically love and true acceptance, will always elude me.

Because I can’t change how I am. And I’ve tried so many times over the years. You could say for all the wrong reasons, but I did try to be something more.

I’ve accepted that. I just don’t know if it will ever be enough for me. And I’m afraid… I think it’s going to kill me. But I still have hope. Tomorrow might just prove to be a better day. Anything is possible, and I gotta keep believing that. To those who matter, and you know who you are, thank you so much for sticking with me. It means more than I could ever say. You all mean the world to me.

Till next time.

I got a little emotional filming this one. I’m on the tail end of a major depressive episode, and I wanted to chronicle it and share my experiences with you all. I don’t mean to come across as pretentious. So far the experience has been very rewarding and also terrifying. But it’s all about growth and shedding the stigma behind mental illness.

As always, this is my experience so don’t take my words as gospel. Just reach out to someone, the rewards far outweigh the risks.

I believe in you, and you’re never alone even though it feels like it sometimes.

So… Check out the video and let me know what you think. I’d really appreciate the feedback.

]]> http://bigfieldy.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/video-series-depression-random-musings-on-living-with-mental-illness/feed/ 0 bigfieldy http://bigfieldy.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/what-goes-up-must-come-down/ http://bigfieldy.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/what-goes-up-must-come-down/#comments Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:09:33 +0000 BigFieldy http://bigfieldy.wordpress.com/?p=359 ]]> Hey guys.

First off, I’ve been riding a wave of amazing creativity and positivity as of late. But now I’ve come crashing down to earth. It seemed inevitable really, but god it felt great for a while. In the spirit of what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog and the web show, I’m going to be open and honest at all times, not just when I’m feeling chirpy. It’s the least I can do, especially with my new determination to make something positive of this whole thing….

The worse thing about the downtimes is that there usually isn’t a trigger. Or its something simple. It infuriates me, and makes me feel like I’m broken. I know deep down I don’t really believe it, but at the moment, people are the last thing I feel I should be around. But honestly, a hug would be fucking fantastic.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down. How can I talk to others about my experiences when I can crash and burn so heavily? Sometimes I feel I should record myself on a video when I’m like this… Just to show the other side of depression. Sure it’s easy to talk and inspire when you’re happy, but there’s also the dark side of the condition that is usually swept under the rug? No one wants to see that. But maybe that’s part of the problem with society. Maybe I’ll record it and hold on to it. I don’t know.

What do you guys think?

Anyway I’m gonna go keep myself busy and try to lift the darkness from my head. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up the positivity. But I can’t lie, I get like this sometimes. But I cannot fight the thought that I’m letting you all down.

Til next time…

Hey guys,

Sorry for the lack of updates for the blog. I have every intention of resuming my posts, but in the short-term I’m going to concentrate on getting the video series up and running. I hope you all can understand that, and want to come along with me on this whole new adventure.

You’re never alone in this. Always remember that.

Til next time…

I hope you all like it. It was hard to put up, but I feel that I should at least try. If I can reach one person, or even just help someone, it will all be worth it.

Well it’s 1:35am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been laying here in the dark for over an hour now, and sleep just isn’t obliging today. I’ve got so much on my mind, from pondering the decisions I make in relationships, to thinking lustful thoughts. It’s quite amusing being me sometimes.

So where do I start?

Well I recently attempted a fresh start at dating again, mostly to get her out of my mind, but also because we got along so well. And for a short time, things were good. We spoke a lot and had some real fun together. But after a while the reality of the situation dawned on the both of us. I’m simply not wired to survive a long distance relationship, and especially so since it was in it’s early days. So we decided mutually to just call it quits and go back to something resembling a friendship… Without benefits.

It’s occurred to me that I’m far too set in my ways. I like my life and my friends. I like doing what I want, when I want. And really, if anything, I am not suited for a life in the country. Fuck that. It’s nice to visit, but I’d go batshit crazy if I was there 24/7.

Does my unwillingness to compromise make me a bad person? I think sometimes it does, but who else can look after me, but me? And the last time I gave up everything for someone, it blew up in my face and I’m not going down that path anymore.

Perhaps I’m just too picky. Perhaps I’ll never be happy until I find someone who makes me feel a shade of what “she” makes me feel. Perhaps I’ll be on my own forever. Sometimes, I think I’m okay with that. Besides sexual needs, I find my emotional needs to be far more frustrating. And I approach love and relationships with a bit of idealism. I want a best friend who loves me. I want someone to take an interest in all the nerdy shit I’m into and doesn’t feel ashamed when I start quoting Star Wars along with the movie, or my childlike excitement I get everytime I watch Doctor Who. Someone who loves that im basically a big kid, with my love of comics and video games. She doesnt have to like them, but accepts that I do. I want someone whose creative and passionate about things. I want someone I can create things with. A true partner in all things.

In fact, I’m only me, and if they don’t like it, they can keep on stepping.

My short lived “relationship” also unlocked some negatives I thought I’d gotten past. I’ve started drinking again. I’m talking abuse my body type drinking. Sometimes I drink to feel different. Sometimes, just to be able to vent how I really feel. I’m still trying to break ages old programming, in which I was taught to keep all my feelings to myself, and to bottle it all up. So perhaps I’m drinking to help me, but really that’s just a bullshit excuse.

Really, I drink just to not feel this. The emptiness, the loneliness. I feel that no one will ever understand me. That I’m destined to be on my own. And I really don’t want that. I want the thing i’ve always wanted. The one thing I’ve always felt was denied to me. A real, genuine connection. Something not based on sex or how funny I am, but because of who we are, and how we feel.

My raging libido has returned with a vengeance. I’m resisting the urges to get back into the whole “one night stand” thing, but it might do me some good, get my mind off things and release some much needed endorphins. I don’t like sharing myself with someone and not have it mean something at least, but maybe I need to selfish in the short term just to get past the dark places I inhabit at the moment.

I’ve had a few long term relationships in the past, but they worked because I was the one who had to change, I made all the sacrifices and went out of my way to make THEM happy. But I can’t think about what’s best for them. Because I know now that how I feel matters too. And a real relationship is about compromise and being met half way. It’s about commitment and passion and trust.

If anything I’ve learned even more about myself and what matters to me. And it reaffirms my belief in my unwillingness to compromise my values or accept anything less than what is best for me. If that means I’m selfish, then so be it. I’m trying hard to believe I’m worthy of love, and I won’t let anyone feel sorry for me, or to tell me otherwise.

I’m not perfect, in fact I’m a big fuckup. But I am me, and sometimes I need to get drunk and make a fool out of myself and react irrationally, just so can look at it all objectively later and get past things. It’s the bottling up of things that kinda makes nights like last night inevitable.

You see, I got stupidly drunk. Again. And “she” reached out to me to check if I was doing okay. And I went overboard in my typical fashion. I’m not mad at her, and I have no right to be. It’s all about how I’m handling the situation, which I’m not doing all that well. It’s because I’m afraid. Afraid that I will always love her. Afraid that she’ll always be a part of me, and that there will never be room in my heart for someone else. Afraid that no one else will understand me like she does. Afraid that I’ll be pining over her my whole fucking life, and she was never mine to begin with. It makes me feel like such a fucking loser. She’s living proof of so many things about me. That I’m capable of feeling a real intense, passionate love. That a muse really does wonders for my creativity. That another human being can help relive my ails in a way that doesn’t involve an orgasm. That I’m capable of opening up, as the walls I’ve built crumble all around me. That I can be vulnerable. I just wish I wasn’t so damn clingy. It comes from insecurity I know, and a fear that no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough.

I don’t regret a thing. I just wish moving on was easier. Perhaps I need to just indulge my more basic needs. Perhaps I need to start seeing women again. Perhaps I need to just let someone in, and hope for the best.

She’s taught me so much, about myself and the world I’m stuck in. But I cannot change this simple truth…

I’m a dreamer. Always have been. Dreams were always so much better than reality. Sad but true. I can’t change who I am… And to be honest, I don’t think I would if I could.

It’s like what Meatloaf said…

“I would do anything for love… But I won’t do that.”

So there goes my first post back. Hopefully this will be the beginning of something special. Gaining an even bigger understanding of myself and my illnesses. And learning to trust others, and mostly, to not be so damn hard on myself.

Until next time…

Well I’ve had a month or so away from the blog, so I think it’s about time I got cracking on some new material. Shouldn’t be too long now, I got a lot of things to talk about.

Til then…

Now this one is going to be tricky. How am I supposed to choose just two songs? Expecially when music play such an important role in my life?

So… the dilemma is, do I write just two songs, and obsess about all the songs I should have chosen instead… Or just write about a bunch of them…

Without further adue, here goes.

Okay, I’ve decided. I’m going to have a song that makes me happy and one that makes me sad. I have to cover the entire emotional spectrum, but not as comprehensively as I’d like. But that’s what happens when you give me only two options.

1. No Surprises – Radiohead. This song drags me down into the very depths of despair. The sounds more so than the lyrics, but it just has an overwhelming effect on me. Perhaps it reminds me of another time, or perhaps it just suits the need I have to break down sometimes.
2. Sweet Escape – Gwen Stefani. I know. I should probably be ashamed or something, but really I’m not. It perks me up and brightens things, so how can I say it’s a bad thing. Everyone has a band or something that they’re kinda ashamed of.

So yeah, that’s this list done and dusted. Sorry for my lack of enthusiasm.

Since I’m suffering from a terrible migraine today, the act of WATCHING a movie is impossible, so I’ve been trying to think about just three movies to list, and why. How can I choose just three? It’s insane, because I love movies. So I either throw out just a simple list (its much easier to not have to think so much with this damn headache) or actually take some time and put out a list that has some real meaning. Honestly, I hate churning something out, and things are so much more rewarding when I put some feeling into it.

So here goes nothing.

1. My favourite trilogies. I couldn’t have a list without including these. Star Wars (prequels included), Indiana Jones (all of them), The Matrix movies (even the last one), The Lord of the Rings (extended editions only) The Aliens movies…  I would have never discovered these movies if it wasn’t for my love of Sci-Fi, which was nurtured and encouraged by my Mum. I still remember the very first time I saw Star Wars. Me and Mum watched it together, and I’ve never been the same since then. It’s memories like those that keep me going. It’s memories like those that helped me break through the painful stuff, and recognize what really matters.
2. Little Shop of Horrors. I’ve always loved everything about this movie. From the performances, the music, and special effects. Who couldn’t love a story about a flesh-eating plant that wants to take over the world? Steve Martin is fantastic in this, as well as Rick Moranis. But it’s the music that really does it for me. It’s a real journey, and I try to watch it at least once a year.
3. Heat. I really considered if this movie warranted a place, but it is the greatest heist scene in movie history. All the awesome heists in video games I’ve played in the last 5 years has been based on this movie. It’s so epic, from the performances, to the action, to the amazing sound. Listening to it on my Blu-ray and 5.1 surround sound (I love my bedroom), it sounds like you’re in the middle of a war zone. It’s so awesome.

Now I’m going to leave the list before I start obsessing about it, and change it over and over again.

Til next time…

So we’re on to books today. This is something that’s quite daunting for me. How on earth can I list just four? I LOVE BOOKS. So I’m going to try my best, and see what happens. These are in not any particular order.

1. Necroscope – Brian Lumley. Necroscope is the story of Harry Keogh, a boy born with the ability to speak to the dead. It’s got a ton of intrigue, supernatural themes, awesome battles and is set during the Cold War. I can’t recommend it enough.
2. To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee. I read this in High School, and it’s the first book that I can remember really moving me. It was so tragic and hard-hitting, as well as funny and warm. I love it, even now.
3. The Hellbound Heart – Clive Barker. This is the book the movie Hellraiser was based on. I credit Clive Barker with forging my love for Horror Fiction. An awesome dark tale, touching on themes of hedonism, nihilism and sadomasochism. I think this book helped me realise a lot of things about myself. And I fuckin love the Cenobites.
4. I can’t remember the name of the book, but upon reading the works of Gilbert & Sullivan, it helped begin my love for musical theatre, the only form of theatre I can really stomach.

I found this list to be difficult. So I chose a list that’s both broad and significant in my development as both a writer, a lover of fiction and performance. There are many other works that have all helped me in that journey. At the moment some of my favourite authors are:

• Dan Abnett
• Nick Kyme
• CS Lewis
• Brian Lumley
• Mick Foley
• CL Weirner
• James Luceno
• Terry Brooks
• Timothy Zahn
• Raymond E Feist
• RA Salvatore
• And many many more.

So yeah I’ll see you next time.