Dealing with Addictions & Ranting About Comics

Heya folks,

First off I’ll say that I never plan what i’m going to write on this thing, i generally just go off on whatevers on my mind. Sometimes I’ll start on one thing, then completely change tack and start on something else so bear with me. Besides this is MY blog so fuck off!

Today I’ve decided to discuss what it’s like living with an addiction.

A few years back I was diagnosed with bipolar, which explained the mood swings and all the other enjoyable aspects that comes with being me.

The problem I really have is the obessive parts that come with that. I’m an addict. Not to drugs or alcohol, but something just as destructive. My poison is a sexual compulsion that fights my rational decent side and at times it turns me into someone I don’t like very much.

For the most part, I keep it under control but I have moments where I need to detatch myself from my friends and keep to myself, because I’m capable of doing some very silly things.

I’ve spoken to my shrink and one of her suggestions was medication. Meds simply are not an option for me. Sure they take away the urges, but it also takes away all the good things too. I bacially become an emotionless zombie which is simply a fate worse than death in my eyes.

You see, alot of what I do is driven by passion. Writing, gaming, how I am in general and taking away my ability to “feel” is not at all what I want. I live for the highs for everything is so energized, and even the lows are okay because they make me appreciate the good things so much more.

So I’m determined to get control over things naturally and not to resort to a quick fix. I am who I am and I love me for that, warts and all.

Somedays will be worse than others, but everyday I struggle and overcome is another victory.

Today is a public holiday and I kinda wish I was going to work because I’m seriously distracted. Like terribly so.

Hmmm what’s first up for today?

Comics? I do need to read Wanted again, or I could always go pick up The Watchmen and delve into that world again. It’s been years since I’ve read it. It’s an awesome book. I’m still waiting to see the movie, but I’m worried the movie will be ruined because I love the comic so much. Ahhh the joys of being a comic geek. Always destined to find fault in movie adaptations of my favorite comics. But I’ll admit I’m excited to hear Samuel L Jackson has signed on to play Nick Fury, and the upcoming Marvel movies are going to rock. More Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and The Avengers! I just creamed my pants.

I can’t fucking wait!

All they need to do now is get Toby Maguire to reprise Spider-Man and have him play even a cameo and my life will finally be complete. That and they need to get Thomas Jane to play The Punisher again, because no one else is fit to play Frank Castle in my eyes.

Now is the era of the comic book nerd and were going to take over the world.

You have been warned.

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Getting Older and Quitting

Hello world, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so I guess I’ll have to bring you up to speed.

I recently turned 30 on the 6th of march. Thats right, the big “30”.

It’s actually forced me to take a good long look at myself and I’m having to accept that I’m actually getting older.

You see, I’m a big kid in a grown ups body. I read comics, can easily do nothing but play video games in my spare time and I always make excuses to not do things that I know I should, if anything because deep down I feel there’s always gonna be more time.

But what is it about having a three at the beginning of my age thats making me start to wonder how much time there really is?

I suppose i’m starting to realize that every day is another day towards the inevitable, and that I should stop wasting all these precious moments.

So I’ve decided I’m going to stop putting off things and finally make those changes I’ve been putting off for no other reason than laziness.

1: I’m am going to quit smoking. Yes I mean actually quit, not go without for a few days and then go back on them, I mean actually QUIT. I can do anything in this life, I just have to believe I can.

2: I’m going to stop hiding myself from the world and actually get out and see it again. I always found excuses not to follow my dreams, but no longer. The sky is the limit folks! I can do anything.

3: I’m going to learn to accept and love myself for who I am, because it’s occurred to me that I’m one of those people who desire validation from others to find my own self worth. I always wanted to be liked but deep down I never figured anyone would care for the real me. It all comes down to masks. We all wear them. It’s almost like adopting a persona when your in different social situations. Now I’m not saying everyone is going to get the warts and all me all the time, but it’s going to be me. Even if I have to tone it down a little bit. I’m one of those all or nothing kind of people.

4: I’m going to actually forge some meaningful relationships. I have a few close friends I can count on one hand, but I’m talking about the other relationships, mostly based on convenience or mutual need. I have friends I can party with, girls I can see if I’m feeling lonely, but it’s not really what I want anymore. I’m talking having an actual relationship with a girl. It’s funny how turning 30 has made me realize that there’s so much of life I’m missing out on. I haven’t had a actual relationship since I broke up with my last girlfriend sally early last year. I’ve had a few “encounters” but it was mostly about sexual needs and not about actually sharing myself with someone. I’ve been running away from it.

5: I’m going to do more. Read more, write more. I never feel happier than when I’m writing.

6: Get myself out of debt and actually start saving.

It’s funny the more I think about it, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted but it took getting older to realise that I had to grow up and actually DO it.

Thanks heaps for listening.

I hope you’re all happy, safe and well.

Til next time,

Adam
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