Insomnia & Bipolar??? Oh My!

Sometimes, the pros of being bipolar can be used to get things done.
For example, I can often get a hell of a lot of writing done, or find that extra burst of energy to get my work finished on time etc. But there is nothing positive really about being bipolar and an insomniac. It’s like being trapped in a prison in my own head all the fucking time. At least sleep is a respite from the annoying mood swings and irrational thinking.

So basically it’s 6am and I’ve slept for maybe 2 or 3 hours and now I couldn’t sleep unless you smashed my head in with a hammer.

Here in lies the dilemma… Do I turn my back on my decision to deal with them without resorting to anti-depressants and sleeping pills? Or should I just go back to being a mindless drug fucked zombie just so I can sleep at night?

Now the reasons I chose not to be medicated for my various afflictions is simple. I can’t appreciate anything when I’m on them. I don’t love anything. I don’t hate anything. I’m just perpetually stuck in the middle. And I’ve never been one to be in the middle of anything.

I’m an all or nothing guy, just accept it.

I have days (like the other day) where I almost dispise myself for feeling a need to blab on about shit I can’t get past.. and what usually happens is once I’ve gotten it off my chest, the burden and pain I felt often goes away. As in that very instant. But the consequences to my selfishness are I often offend or annoy people who were directly or indirectly involved.

I am not saying sorry. I’m not making any excuses either. It’s just a matter of fact.

The truth hurts doesn’t it? But at least I can admit when I’m wrong.

I am how I am. I’m not going to compromise my principles or pretend I’m okay with something just to make you happy. I’m doing what’s best for me. Just the same as anyone/everyone else does. I’m just not going to feel guilty for feeling like I do anymore.

Shit happens. Deal with it.

Anyways time to sign off. I’m starting to get the hang of this blog thing. I think I like it.

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5 thoughts on “Insomnia & Bipolar??? Oh My!

  1. Hi. I’m bipolar (hate that label, btw) How long have you been “medicine free”? I’ve considered stopping it myself and – in fact- just today wrote about my feelings which are similar to yours…. on that note.

    • I’ve been drug free for almost 5 years now.

      Somedays are easier than others but for me it’s always worth the struggle. Sadly, some people need the medication. It’s definatly not for everyone.

      Can I ask why you’d like to be off the meds? You have to be sure it’s what you want because it’s really difficult at times. I’ll be here if ya need someone to bounce ideas off.

      Good luck with your journey.

  2. They make me emotionless. Plus, I’ve gained weight using Zyprexa. I just think, and maybe I’m wrong, that I can make it without the medication. I’ve finally gotten rid of a lot of the “stuff” that stressed me out or made me despressed.

    here’s my blog… if you’d like to read it. http://www.watercoolerstories.wordpress.com.

    • I know exactly what you mean. I’m an emotional guy, and when I was on the meds sure I never experianced the lows but I didn’t feel the highs either. I felt like I was living in an artificial world that I wasn’t really a part of. Does that make sense?

      Now it depends on how long you’ve been on the pills but if you want to do it, go ahead. When I first broke free I was almost happy the first time I felt the lows again. It was like waking up from a coma, being able to experiance things again. I also had a slight issue with ppl prefering me on the meds but I made the decision for me and in the end it’s my life to live. They can either love it or just leave.

      I’d love to read your blog.

  3. Makes perfect sense. My doctor thinks my not being on medication is “a recipe for disaster” though. Of course, they don’t typically advise “bipolar” types to be off the medication, so… there’s that.

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