Armageddon and Dealing with Big Crowds.

Well yesterday I ventured out from my sanctuary into the big bad world. I went to the Armageddon Expo at the Melbourne Convention Centre. It was pretty good, got to catch up with Trevor & Michelle and especially so cos I got to spend time with my good mate Daniel.

The convention itself was awesome, I sat in and watched the Robot Chicken Panel. It was really funny and I was amazed how short Seth Green is in person.

As liberating as it was… I also had some serious issues with being around so many people. It hard to explain, but I’ve never been very good with crowds and I used to handle it in the old days by drinking. So it was definately a test for me. And besides a few anxious moments I did pretty well.

I just can’t be around people for a prolonged period of time. After a couple of hours I just wanted to go home, to be alone where I feel safe. My room is my sanctuary, where I truely feel safe being me.

It’s hard feeling so different sometimes. I started to freak out a little and got angry getting so many people in my face. I just don’t want to have an “episode” in front of so many people. It just wouldn’t be pretty. It’s a private shame I live with and it’s especially hard to talk about it. Simply because unless you go through it yourself, you just can’t understand.

I also had some issues with Daniel. He just doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang out very often. Its not that i dont want to, its just that i cant.

I hate to dissapoint him as he’s such a good friend. But he simply doesn’t understand what it’s like to live with this irrational depression I suffer from. I just wish he wouldn’t take it so personally. It’s just something I have to do. Sadly I tend to dissapoint people but I can’t help that.

I’m just different. I’ve accepted it, and for the most part I like not being a part of the crowd. But some part of me would love to just fit in. Just to feel somewhat “normal” and I stay away from people, especially those I care about because I don’t want them to see this side of me. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it on my own, but I’d rather do it this way than to have people look at me like I’m crazy. I didn’t choose to be this way.

No one with Bipolar wants to be this way. We just are. And we all deal with it in our own way. I choose to discuss it as openly as I can and hope to raise a little awareness to what it’s like living with this disorder.

But really I have to be okay with me and not worry about what everyone else thinks. It’s all a part of the journey. It sure beats being all doped up. Fuck that shit.

Anyways I best get going. It’s almost time for work and I gotta get my “mask” on. I’ll discuss masks in my next post.

Keep smiling folks and remember you’re never really alone.

Til next time…
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One thought on “Armageddon and Dealing with Big Crowds.

  1. Yeah, being doped up sucks. After I was hospitalized, the first time, I couldn’t even hold a glass without dropping it. I definitely suffered a loss of fine motor skills.

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