Masks

I suppose I’ll start this post by explaining exactly what I mean when I talk about masks.

To me, a mask is a sort of persona I adopt when dealing with certain situations. Now I’ve heard concerns that by adopting a “mask” I’m pretending to be something I’m not.

Well that simply isn’t the case.

I just encourage certain parts of my personality and hide others. Does that make sense? I do this to avoid people seeing the parts of me I’m not comfortable in sharing. It’s for my own protection and for theirs too.

The hardest thing for me living with bipolar and especially being unmedicated is the random incoherant mood swings. So by adopting a mask I can become someone much easier to deal with in a social setting.

In public, i’m loud, brash and confident. But in my private moments I’m shy and somewhat insecure. It’s a legacy of my upbringing unfortunately. My father is a Vietnam Veteran and like many children of Vietnam Veterans, I had it pretty rough for many years. I’ll discuss this further in a later post. I’m simply not ready to share that just yet.

Now i’m not ashamed of who I am, because everything I’ve been through moulded me into what I am now, but I have moments when I wonder how things may have been if the past wasn’t what it was.

I’m not going to make excuses not try and warrant any sympathy, for having people feel sorry for me is terrible. I don’t want pity, but a little understanding would be nice.

I digress…

The masks help me feel comfortable with people I don’t know, and are almost essential for my survival. I couldn’t handle the outside world sometimes if it wasn’t for them. Because of my nature, which is to keep everything buried deep inside, I have to have an avenue in which I can feel somewhat “normal”. I keep everything buried because I don’t want people knowing how messed up I can be. And I don’t necessarily feel comfortable being so transparent. Only those close to me really know the whole picture, an I like it that way.

I’m not crazy, just a little bonkers most of the time. I love being different. I’d rather be me than anyone else.

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