Life, Love and finally rising above. (Darkest Days are over)

Hey all,

I’ve discovered an even ground in my journey. I’ve finally come to realize that in all things, it’s a constant challenge. It’s finding something to look forward to that matters to me. I suppose that thing for me is hope. Hope, that one day maybe sooner, perhaps later I’ll find that thing that would give me purpose. I’ve found a special connection with myself and with someone else. I know who I am, and I do not hate myself for everything that has happened. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, and finally I can say that I think I’m starting to be okay with it all. You see, I’m not always an easy person to know, for I choose to keep so much of it to myself. It creates a barrier that separates me from everyone else. I cannot help this, for I cannot always share my feelings as not everyone can understand how it feels. I can’t share myself with everybody, and I wouldn’t really want to

I am never going to be that chirpy person I’d like to be. But what I’ve found is I finally am comfortable with who I am, and not a victim of the circumstances of my life.

I am not a victim, I’m a survivor.

And I’m capable of surviving anything. I’ve been running away for so long, that finally working it all out feels almost surreal. Stopping the drinking and the drugs, and by no longer chasing a feeling, forced me to take a really long and hard look at myself and to understand why I do the things I do. I’ve come to terms with who I am warts and all. I’ve accepted that I am by no means perfect, but honestly. It’s the journey that molds us into who we are, and I am who I am. I have a special relationship with myself and with someone special, whom I would be lost without. I’ve been sharing my feelings with family and friends, and they always tell me that it’s time to chase a dream, and find that happiness I’ve always craved. But it’s not that simple.

Here’s some lyrics to a song by Stabbing Westward called Save Yourself. It sums things up almost perfectly.

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So your searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself.

I know that you’ve been damaged
You soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself.

Please don’t take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
So if I must be lonely
I think I’d rather be alone…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself

This person, who shall remain nameless, is not the cure to all my problems, for I can only find that within myself. I never would have found the courage to tell her. I never would have if I hadn’t found that middle ground within myself. I have felt this way for a long time and I could never find a way to express that.. I had my reasons, but mostly it was the fear of rejection, and that things would change. But life is change. And to carry such a burden is overwhelming. It’s this part of my journey that made me realize that it’s wrong to keep such things to yourself. I know there will be risks but I want to face them with her. It’s wrong that we should be only half alive… half of ourselves.

There is nothing I cannot accomplish, and I am blessed to know someone who is flawed, so real and so special. We don’t need to be perfect, nor change. For many years, she has been my muse and one of my closest friends. The inspiration, the love, the friendship, these things are all important to me, but what I get from her is that feeling I’ve always wanted. And to not feel so alone, in my pain, in my heart and in all things. With a word, my walls crumble, self control slithers away. I wouldn’t change her one bit, and she wouldn’t change me. To accept someone warts and all and still find that love for them regardless of the darkness. I don’t have to be funny, or tell stories nor any other mask I used to wear to adapt to a social situation. I don’t have to fit a particular mold, nor do I have to be whoever anyone else wants me to me.

I’m just me and that’s okay. That is the most special thing she ever could have given me.

So I am not going to rush things, for we both have our own paths to travel, before we join them together as they should be. Hand in hand, as one. As partners, or just as close friends, she makes me feel human. So whatever happens happens. I am no longer afraid.

You see, some things in life are simply worth the wait.

So all I can control is who I do, as how I feel is out of my hands. Everything, even all the bad stuff, happens for a reason. I am meant to be doing this, my place is the here and now. I must keep growing and keep finding the positives in life. I am not alone, I have a great couple of friends, a mother and sister I love with all my heart, and a special someone who will always be a part of me, whether we’re together or not. I don’t have to be with her, but it gives me strength knowing that someone like her is out there somewhere. It’s the perseverance, that will make it all worthwhile. For even when things seem at their worst, tomorrow is another day, and with tomorrow brings that hope. Hope that things will not always be this way. That one day, I’ll be happy. It’s all I want. Happiness is not delivered on a platter by a relationship, a drink nor anything else. It’s happiness that can only be found within. It’s the connections we make that help us find that thing for ourselves. I’ve finally realized that I cannot find my way alone. None of us can.

While I’m not necessarily where I really want to be, I’ve found a measure of contentedness and I find I’m excited to see where the rest of my journey will take me. For once I can truly say..

I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

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Shedding masks and finding a way past the shame.

Hey all,

These past few weeks have been trying and definitely eye opening for me. I’ve been on a consistent journey of self discovery and reflection that at time has been almost unhealthy. I’m discovering things about myself that I didn’t know, or couldn’t even see until I took a long hard look at myself… I’ve been living in a perpetual cycle of guilt and self loathing, and it’s been this way since I was a kid.

The problem with growing up in an abusive household is the long term effects. Sure it’s easier to get past is as you get older, but its the deep down problems that are seeded as a child, that continue to grow into something that can only really be dealt with as an adult. I suppose deep down, I blame myself in a way for everything that happened, and being mistreated by those whom you love so much made me feel that perhaps I wasn’t deserving of love or happiness. In my mind I see it as this, if those I love treat me like this, then maybe it’s all I’ll ever deserve.

I don’t want to be unhappy. I don’t want to feel so ashamed to be me. I do not want to feel as though I am so seperated from the rest of the world by trauma and the walls i’ve carefully constructed to protect that child that still lives deep inside me. Being away from my former drug issues, has made me realize that it was a means of escape. I could feel like I was a completely different person, or just not feel anything at all. But in reality, you have to come to terms with what happened and move beyond it. Like my drug problem, I also found relationships were a form of escape, a means to find even a sliver of self worth. If I could convince a girl to somehow love me, then maybe I am a worthwhile person. Does that make sense? But as I got older, I came to realize another truth. I wasn’t being myself in these relationships. I was wearing a mask, playing another role of sorts. Wether it be the commedian, the charmer, the selfless doting boyfriend. Not that parts of me are not those people, but I put other peoples happiness on a pedestal far above my own for one simple reason.

I didnt know what I wanted, I’d been running for so long, that I’d lost who I was on the inside.

You know… the person you are when you’re all alone. When there’s no need for a mask, no situation to warrant a character to portray. So I suppose I’m just going to try and be just me from now on. At least in my relationships. I dont have alot of people in the world who know the “real” me. And it’s partly why I’m so lonely, is having people like a part of me makes me sad and a little resentful.

For all I’ve ever really wanted is for someone to understand me and not judge, nor pity nor fuss over me. I am not a fragile butterfly, nor am I as strong as I like to pretend I am. I am an emotional person, and I find hiding that from the world has only really done me harm in the long run. I’ve been hiding for so long, that I’m not quite sure how to expose myself in a way that feels right. In writing these blogs, I’ve been getting a lot of these frustrations off my chest, heck it doesn’t even matter if anyone reads them. I do this for me, not for any of you. But I hope that by opening myself like this, I can find a measure of peace and understanding from those that do. We all want to be accepted deep down, why would I be any different?

Now its time for a short disclaimer. For those who are seeing a different side of me in recent weeks. This is who I am. I am an emotional guy. I’m sorry if you feel uncomfortable or awkward with me, but I am how I am. I’m not this way to make any of you feel bad, but it’s almost like I’m making up for lost time. I’ve been pretending for so long, that it might still come as a bit of a shock. But know that I love you.

To the small group of true friends: You are what keep me grounded, listen to my crap and help remind me that I am human. I would be nothing with you. I love you. You really do mean the world to me.

In the end, it’s the only real legacy we leave, is in the people whose hearts we touch. I hope you’ll all remember with fondness. (is that even a word?)

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