Shedding masks and finding a way past the shame.

Hey all,

These past few weeks have been trying and definitely eye opening for me. I’ve been on a consistent journey of self discovery and reflection that at time has been almost unhealthy. I’m discovering things about myself that I didn’t know, or couldn’t even see until I took a long hard look at myself… I’ve been living in a perpetual cycle of guilt and self loathing, and it’s been this way since I was a kid.

The problem with growing up in an abusive household is the long term effects. Sure it’s easier to get past is as you get older, but its the deep down problems that are seeded as a child, that continue to grow into something that can only really be dealt with as an adult. I suppose deep down, I blame myself in a way for everything that happened, and being mistreated by those whom you love so much made me feel that perhaps I wasn’t deserving of love or happiness. In my mind I see it as this, if those I love treat me like this, then maybe it’s all I’ll ever deserve.

I don’t want to be unhappy. I don’t want to feel so ashamed to be me. I do not want to feel as though I am so seperated from the rest of the world by trauma and the walls i’ve carefully constructed to protect that child that still lives deep inside me. Being away from my former drug issues, has made me realize that it was a means of escape. I could feel like I was a completely different person, or just not feel anything at all. But in reality, you have to come to terms with what happened and move beyond it. Like my drug problem, I also found relationships were a form of escape, a means to find even a sliver of self worth. If I could convince a girl to somehow love me, then maybe I am a worthwhile person. Does that make sense? But as I got older, I came to realize another truth. I wasn’t being myself in these relationships. I was wearing a mask, playing another role of sorts. Wether it be the commedian, the charmer, the selfless doting boyfriend. Not that parts of me are not those people, but I put other peoples happiness on a pedestal far above my own for one simple reason.

I didnt know what I wanted, I’d been running for so long, that I’d lost who I was on the inside.

You know… the person you are when you’re all alone. When there’s no need for a mask, no situation to warrant a character to portray. So I suppose I’m just going to try and be just me from now on. At least in my relationships. I dont have alot of people in the world who know the “real” me. And it’s partly why I’m so lonely, is having people like a part of me makes me sad and a little resentful.

For all I’ve ever really wanted is for someone to understand me and not judge, nor pity nor fuss over me. I am not a fragile butterfly, nor am I as strong as I like to pretend I am. I am an emotional person, and I find hiding that from the world has only really done me harm in the long run. I’ve been hiding for so long, that I’m not quite sure how to expose myself in a way that feels right. In writing these blogs, I’ve been getting a lot of these frustrations off my chest, heck it doesn’t even matter if anyone reads them. I do this for me, not for any of you. But I hope that by opening myself like this, I can find a measure of peace and understanding from those that do. We all want to be accepted deep down, why would I be any different?

Now its time for a short disclaimer. For those who are seeing a different side of me in recent weeks. This is who I am. I am an emotional guy. I’m sorry if you feel uncomfortable or awkward with me, but I am how I am. I’m not this way to make any of you feel bad, but it’s almost like I’m making up for lost time. I’ve been pretending for so long, that it might still come as a bit of a shock. But know that I love you.

To the small group of true friends: You are what keep me grounded, listen to my crap and help remind me that I am human. I would be nothing with you. I love you. You really do mean the world to me.

In the end, it’s the only real legacy we leave, is in the people whose hearts we touch. I hope you’ll all remember with fondness. (is that even a word?)

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