Dreams, Sadness & Secrets

Hey all,

Life lacks meaning if you don’t have dreams to chase. Something bigger than just the here and now. If we get trapped in the familiar “routine” I think it’s easy to become lost and things can easily become stagnant.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t gonna be one of those “life is awesome” type blogs. I’m not really a naturally positive person, but it’s something I work on and aspire to try and do every single day. There’s too many negatives anyone could focus on if we choose to, be it bills, career, money, love or whatever. But I try and find something positive to focus on everyday.

For me it’s the writing. I’ve been writing so much this past 2 weeks that I find myself excited to jump on the computer and just writing. I don’t even necessarily work on the same thing everyday. I just go where the inspiration takes me. It’s a great feeling.

It also proves a distraction from other things. I’ve discovered that some secrets should stay exactly that way, for there are consequences to every action even if things are said with the best of intentions. You cannot control everything and I suppose you have to be willing to be brave and take some risks. But for me, it all comes back to that old saying “You don’t know what you had until it’s gone”

I will elaborate later perhaps. I’m still undecided on what exactly my course of action will be.

I know I want to leave Melbourne. I feel like i’ve outstayed my welcome and to be honest I don’t feel safe here anymore. This is no longer the place I grew up in. Crime and violence are rampant and sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

It’s no way to live.

So I have no attachments here in Melbourne, so if I’m going to “chase my dream” and get out of here, now’s the time to do it. It’s just where to go that’s the question. Perhaps even a seachange is all I need, somewhere away from the metropolitan area of Melbourne, although I’d prefer interstate or overseas.

I don’t ever want to come back. I hate crowds and for the most part, I hate people. It’s sad I know, but it’s who I am. No more pretending I’m something else. I don’t think I’m capable of such things anymore. Too much has happened for it to be any other way.

I miss the sun, and all I want to do is sit in the shade at a park and read. This miserable cold weather is depressing, and I’m desperatly trying to find something… anything to lift my spirits.

When my mind goes to dark places, it really just terrifies me. I wish people could understand. Only some people do, and I can’t even talk to them about it.

Some secrets are best kept locked away, for when secrets are revealed, nothing is ever the same and as much of a relief it was to share them, I wish things would just go back to how they were before.

At least I was miserable for no reason back then. Now I’m just confused, saddened and alone.

It’s hard to find a reason for feeling so misunderstood, but I understand why I don’t share it. Because if you expose yourself too much, the pain find it’s way in so much easier. And it hurts alot more than to suffer in silence.

But at least I learn from my mistakes.

To those that matter, I love you.

Til next time…
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