Dream Series: The Stranger in The Shadows

Hey all,

It’s time for my second dream story of the day.

This one I’ve called The Stranger in The Shadows.

It starts in a hospital type setting. More like a interrogation room or an observation room at a mental hospital. I’m sitting at a table and before me is a mirror into what looks like a waiting room, and sitting in there is my sister and mother.

I’ve been sitting here for what feels like hours. And every now and then a feeling of dread and childlike fear sweep over me. Almost like the shiver you get for no apparent reason.

Then I hear it.

Loud, menacing footsteps echoing down the hall outside. My heart starts to pound harder in my chest. As the steps get closer to the door, my fear rises. And suddenly it stops. And there is a shadow just outside the door.

I start to panic.

I turn to look at the mirrored glass and the lights go out in my room. I snap back to look at the door but I cannot see a thing. But I have a horrible feeling.

Someone is in the room with me. I can hear breathing. Then I hear soft movement, like he’s creeping toward me.

At this point I’m terrified. I start banging on the glass, screaming for mum to come and get me out of here. But she cannot hear me.

My hands are bleeding now, as I leave frantic streaks of blood on the glass, and the stranger in the shadows is much closer now. I can feel it.

Now I’m crying and screaming for help, and a nurse comes into the waiting room and mum and my sister leave. And I’m still terrified and begging for them not to leave me. The waiting room door opens and they exit. I can feel warm breath against my neck now.

A strong firm hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around and I wake up.

I takes me a good few minutes to settle down when I have this dream, and I’ve had it quite a few times over the years. It shakes me to my very core.

No wonder I’m such a freak. Haha

I have tried so many times to work out what it all means, but I cannot shake that childlike fear that I feel whenever I have the dream. I’m not 31 in it. I’m just a kid I think.

I can’t explain it, but I thought I’d share it with you. Maybe you can help me work out what it’s trying to tell me, because to be honest it messes me up too much for me to be able to look at it objectively.

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Dreams Series: The Bicycle

Hey all,

I figured it was about time for another of those dreams I do not understand. But the images I still can’t get out of my head. I had a bad dream and a good one last night. Insomnia has it’s perks.

This one (the good one) is titled: The Bicycle.

It’s a mild sunny day, and I’m riding a bicycle and she is sitting on my handlebars. We’re not going anywhere in particular just riding. She leans back against me and the smell of her hair is intoxicating. Vanilla and rockmelon. We continued on like this for a long time, no rush just enjoying the company and the outdoors. No outside distractions just simple companionship, intimacy without sex and fun.

I don’t understand what it means. It’s dreams like these that make me wake up feeling frustrated and lonely. Even more so than the sexual dreams. I just feel like maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I just wish I knew how to understand. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I think my dreams confuse me more than ever because I am no longer able to lucid dream. I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t seem to work like it used to.

Maybe that’s what is supposed to happen. That I’m not meant to control/change anything. Or maybe it’s finally happened and I’ve gone crazy.

I’ll post about the bad dream in a few.

Until next time…
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A Confession…

Hey all,

It’s 6am, and I really need to talk to someone. So I’m going to write this as if I’m talking to you about it.

My name is Adam and I have a drinking problem. It’s not frequency that is the issue, I don’t really drink that often (though I do have my moments) but it’s more unhealthy drinking practices. I drink on an empty stomach, and it’s not like I’m an abusive drunk. It’s the memory blanks and the shame that’s the hardest thing to deal with. It’s the fact that at the end of the day, I’m always going to be me…

Why do I hide myself from the world? Maybe it’s because I rarely feel like I’m an actual part of it. It’s really hard to explain, but I’m going to try. When I drink, I just find it easier to express myself emotionally with people whom I love. Besides “her” there’s honestly no one else I can open up to like that in a sober way. It’s really sad actually. But at the same time, what we have is special. And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

Being bipolar makes emotions hard to accept and handle. Everything I feel is in extremes. Happiness, Sadness.. all of the above. It creates a wedge between myself and everyone else. It makes me feel like I’m damaged inside. Like the real me is hiding deep down. I’ve been hiding and escaping for my whole life. I don’t understand how I became this way. I hate myself in a way. I hate that I’ve been hiding behind these goddamn walls and masks for as long as I can remember. It’s easy when I drink to be charming and funny. To be someone other people can like. I just feel so… different from most people. It’s hard feeling so misunderstood.

I hate that I can only feel comfortable around a few people. I hate that only “she” makes me feel human.

I’m tired of hiding behind a mask. I’m going to tell you about the first time I started wearing a mask in the “outside world”

It started as a kid, having to be affectionate and protective of my mother and sister when growing up with an abusive alcoholic father. It gave me purpose, to be the rock they needed me to be. It was just so much easier to be who they needed at the time. It was going to school with a black eye and having to pretend everything at home was normal. It was being terrified of my father. And it took my sister almost dying to find some assertiveness and finding the courage to fight back against the man who I hated so much.  I’ve never felt so strong and so proud of myself as I did in that moment, when I stood in front of my father and swore to give up my life to protect my family. Obviously it’s still effecting me…I’ve always found my worth in others. I like who I am, at least I think I do. Because I know the man who lies deep down inside me. I would hide away in my room and as a 31-year-old man, I’m still that little boy. Hiding from the world. This time, the hiding place is the one place that no one can hurt me. Inside my head.

Truly, it’s those whom you let into you’re heart that hurt you the most.

The first time I ever really got my heart seriously broken… people said I changed. And it’s true. I did change. It was the relationship that I gave and gave and gave and it still turned to shit, that I was going to look after myself. I really do have so much to give, but I can’t allow myself to give away that part of me to just anyone. It hurts far too much when it goes bad. And I don’t have a knight in shining armour to come and save me. So I’m going to save myself. After that, the allure of the protective walls was almost too hard to deny. A few years ago, I used to wrap it up in stories and lies created to simply allow others to like me. But deep down I would resent them for not liking the real me, just this “pretender” who wore my skin and spoke with my voice. I wanted to show them the real guy inside all the bullshit, but it’s these damn walls I’ve been constructing and the masks I’ve hid myself behind that are hard to get past.

I know things can go bad. It’s a part of life. But I guess deep down I blame myself for all of it. I blame myself for letting someone hurt me, whether it be a girl, my father or someone else. but really you can’t hide your heart from the world. There’s so much to miss if you do. You’ll spend your life wondering “What If?” otherwise. I know what I want to do, but I just don’t know if I can. All the roads point to somewhere else. Away from here,  a new life. I want to reboot my life… Start over somewhere new. A new place, a new me. But I know it’s all just a pipe dream. I’m trying so hard to make some sense of it all. It’s a work in progress.

A friend said I need to find some self-worth. And she’s right… it’s true. I find my worth with her, and my friends. But I feel like everything I touch, turns to shit. Like everything I desire most in the world isn’t destined for me. I feel like I’m not meant to be happy. Like it was part of my design, like a piece missing and I’m destined to forever chase that piece of me that is missing. I used to chase the feeling with sex, drugs and alcohol. But I didn’t want to be that guy anymore, because it was all so empty. Nothing ever makes me feel fulfilled, besides writing and “her” it’s so damn frustrating. I just want to feel like it’s okay to be me. Damaged and all. I am how I am… I like to tell myself. But honestly, I’m not happy with how things are. I’m still haunted by a life I’ve been trying to escape from. I want to feel something normal, but I don’t know if I ever can be.

But I have to learn to accept that. Maybe someday, you all can too.

Mum and some close friends have always been worried that I’ll kill myself. I’ve attempted suicide before, and as much as I romanticized it, when I woke up in the morning.. I came to realize that I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to feel… this. I love being alive and mostly because I have love and hope in my heart. Hope that one day maybe soon, maybe not, that I will find that place inside myself. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to not feel like such a fuck up.

I guess I’m just waiting for that moment again. When I can step up and prove I’m worth a damn. I am just so tired of feeling so damn alone in this world.

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The Energizer Bunny

Hey all,

She reached out again, so while I’m still riding the high, I wanna get how I’m feeling down. Like a ghost she haunts my dreams and the waking hours of my life. She drifts to and fro from my life and she’s amazing. She gets me in ways I don’t even understand. We’re magnets, drawn inexplicably to one another. I am so completely and utterly in love with her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I think she’ll be the death of me.

Sometimes I think it’s just unrequited love and I should stop being a loser and just move on. But I don’t want to. She is truly one of a kind. She excites me in every single way possible. Mentally, physically, sexually, spiritually.

She isn’t perfect, but that makes me love her even more. It’s not that she’s so wonderfully beautiful, but that I know the girl inside all of that. She has a most wonderful soul, and I love her for it.

I can’t give her everything she deserves. All I can give her is my love, and I’m by no means certain that it would ever be enough for her. And as much as I love/respect/adore her, I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be good enough for her. She makes me feel so alive… But she’s going to kill me.

I wish it was easy. She loves me. I love her. So why can’t we be together? It’s not as easy as that. It should be, but it isn’t. She lives on the other side of the country but that isn’t really the biggest obstacle in my eyes. I just don’t know how she could love someone like me. And I’m not entirely convinced she really knows how she feels. I find it hard to connect to other girls because of how I feel about her. But I don’t know if she’s the same. I’m always lonely because of how I feel about her. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else could make me feel like this. I don’t know if it’s possible.

I share everything with her, and she shares with me. I would give up everything and move the earth to make her happy. But I don’t know if she could love a loser like me. I don’t feel like I deserve her. And maybe she doesn’t deserve me. I don’t know if I want to be the person who is the shoulder to cry on. It’s so unfair. She’s never far from my thoughts, and just when I start to feel remotely okay about it, I go back to square one. It’s a never ending cycle.

She has another man in her life, and I’m terribly jealous of the whole thing. And if she loved me like I love her, how could she be with him? Or maybe I’m the lovesick loser. I want things to be simple in my life. Just one fucking time! If I could just disappear and fade into obscurity with ease, maybe that would work. But I’d still miss her.

Why does life allow me to find someone who for once makes me feel alive, not a silly infatuation, but a real, honest and true feeling that has survived the lest of time… only to put up fucking walls and obstacles and their not even walls of my creation!

I just wish I knew what is the right thing to do. I’d drop everything for her. I just don’t know how how long I can wait for her to ask me. Maybe that’s why it is how it is. Because then it becomes reality and not what it is now. A fantasy. A dream.

*sigh* I’ve had enough for now.

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The Dream.

Hey all,

I’ve decided to base my next few blogs on reoccurring dreams I have. All the good and the bad. This is not just as a means of getting things off my chest, but also as a way to open up to the world. These blogs have a way of making me feel better, because sometimes it feels the the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I do this for me, not for any of you. And if it helps you understand me a little better, then perhaps that’s not so bad.

So this first installment is simply called… The Dream.

The dream is always the same. I’m sitting in a room warn sunlight breaking through vertical blinds, she looks at me from across the room. She dances in the sunlight, not for me but just because. She is a free spirit, although she smiles there’s in an inherent sadness in her eyes.

We talk, about everything and anything. Not because we have to, but because we want to. But it’s the moments of silence that are the greatest. Later, were on the bed, she lays across my chest, and I softly stroke her face. Although I can never see her face…

But it’s her smile that haunts me most.

I cannot imagine this “dream” as a reality. I really wish I could. I don’t know if this is my mind telling me what I want, if it’s a dream of a future I cannot imagine or something much more sinister. Is it a cruel reminder, that I will always be alone?

It’s another one of the many mind boggling questions that I have no answers to. But I suppose that’s life, isn’t it?

I suppose at the end of the day, it’s something that I can only work out for myself.

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Dodging Hurt

Hey all,

It’s 4:30am and I can’t sleep. But the joys of being an insomniac, it gives me plenty of time to write, read, play games and think.

So all this time has given me some moments of reflection, and my role/place in the world. All these problems I’m having in my life. Unemployment, lack of independence, they are all just an obstacle. In the bigger scheme of things, they are small. Really quite insignificant. It’s hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill (which is my natural instinct) and especially so dealing with the bipolar. Bipolar makes all emotional issues so much worse. Think of it as something the magnifies everything I feel. Be it love, hate, happiness or pain. It can be overwhelming at times. But really it’s how I am. I understand myself better than anyone. And I hope someone else can understand me too. Someday at least.

Pain: I can handle pain. Pain and I are old friends.

Hate: Hate is something that I rarely feel. Life is too short for hate. Although when I do feel hate, the vestiges of my past come rearing back into the surface. I am a little scared of my old self.

My past was a little bit of everything. Rage and violence included. Both at home and outside of it. I was a very angry boy when I was younger. I did some bad things. I used to take them out on my sister. I got in a bunch of fights and I found rage very easy to listen to. But I am not that man anymore. I really don’t want to be.

Happiness: It’s something I struggle with, it feels amazing but still oh so alien to me. It’s strange to not have too many happy memories, but those I have will always be with me. In my darkest moments, it’s those moments that sustain me. At my darkest, it keeps me alive.

Love: Now love is something completely different. I can become infatuated quite easily. That’s why the early stages of a relationship are my favorite times of any relationship. But in terms of true, real love. It’s only happened twice in my whole life. I’ve had alot of girlfriends over the years, and lust definitely.

When I was younger, a relationship was a form of escape, a means to distract me and provide myself with some faulty self esteem. But it was as I got older I’ve discovered that I really wanted someone to get last all the walls and bullshit. What I wanted more than passion and excitement, than lust is a connection. A true understanding, where I don’t have to spin stories, entertain, pretend, play a role or any of that other bullshit.

Just for me to be me, and that’s is okay.

In my life I have tried so hard to find a connection. But I am afraid. I’ve been afraid for so long. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being happy. Afraid of letting some see and know the real me. Afraid that when someone gets close enough, I’ll have to set all the masks and walls aside and tell them everything and not hide behind distracting stories. Hiding the truth. From them. And mostly from myself. But deep down, as much as it scares me, it’s what I’ve always wanted.

Love is the most wonderfully amazing feeling in the world. It’s something that I find very hard to actually feel. It’s something that I’ve even tried to convince myself that I’m feeling it. Sometimes it’s worked. Mostly not.

Falling in love is both a special, exciting time for me. Yet most of the time, it drives me crazy and I either flee or sabotage things so they’ll leave me before things get too complicated.

Yet in my experience, people get hurt and things get complicated. But it’s the connections we make that’s worth that risk. I am not afraid to chase a dream. It’s just putting together all the pieces of the puzzle that’s the hard part. I know what I want, from life, from love. Yet it’s the finer details that are proving to be the hardest to overcome.

Sometimes things go bad. But I’m not afraid. For once. Somethings are just worth all the pain, the worry, the anxiety. Somethings… Are just worth risking it all.

And it’s 7:30am, and I still can’t sleep. *sigh*
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With the rising of the sun, the struggle begins anew.

Hey all,

It’s been a while once again, so I figured it’s time for an update.

I’ve been a bit up and down these past few months, struggling with finding purpose and reasoning behind it all. It’s almost like just when I feel I have finally come to understand it all, a whole new set of questions pop up to add even more confusion to the whole thing. Dealing with the emptiness is often the hardest part, but having to deal with the way I handle emotions is proving to be one of the hardest things of all.

I don’t think I feel things as a “normal” person would do. Whether it be love, sadness, joy, happiness or all of the above, I think it’s always somewhat magnified. It’s hard to know exactly what the right thing is to do. Because I often get so caught up in the feeling, that I often overreact and therefore I’m attempting to just take things as they come, and trying to make an educated decision, but that’s pretty damn hard considering I’m so lost all the time. But mostly I just feel lonely. It’s hard going through life feeling so alone. My social life is fairly non-existent and I don’t know how to change that. I find it hard to make new friends as in a way I am socially awkward and being broke makes going out hard too. I’m lost. And it’s especially hard as I don’t know anyone who really knows how this feels, so how can anyone relate to me?

I have plenty of “online” friends, it’s safer and often much easier to communicate this way, but it’s so impersonal, and it often makes me feel even more alone. That the people I get along with so well are million miles away and really I want some face to face personal time. I need to get past this feeling of distance I have from the human race. If I didn’t feel so much overwhelming emotions, I’d be worried I was a sociopath. I don’t get suicidal, but really I just want to feel like a different person a lot of the time.

That’s why alcohol is so much fun, I can relax more and everything is exciting, from Video Games to Music, it’s so much easier to just laugh and have fun when I have a few beers. It’s sad I know. I’m not in denial about who I am, it’s just hard being me sometimes. It’s why I always look for an escape of sorts.

I need to get over the love of my life, it’s never going to happen and she’ll always be the one who gets me the most, but might as well be on another planet. I need to accept I’m alone or move on & make things happen. I can’t handle it. I get so close to her, then we have our usual falling out (mostly always my fault) then we don’t talk for a few months during which I think about her all the damn time, and then she reaches out again and I’m back to square one. I’m stuck on her so badly, yet it feels like I’m in a never-ending cycle, and I’m trapped because I’m so goddamn crazy about her. Perhaps I’m just crazy. Period.

Also… I need a job.

I’m going batshit crazy with all this spare time. I’m getting a lot of work done with my writing and I’m getting some really good stuff down, but the Job Hunting is going so terribly slow. I don’t even really know what I want to do with my life. I don’t have any real ambitions besides family and happiness, so it’s hard to know exactly what sort of career is good for me. I’d ideally love to be a writer to make a living, but it’s getting that foot in the door that’s the hardest part. And it’s not looking any better at all, as I’ve been looking quite aggressively these past few months especially, and I’ve had no luck at all. I’m thinking of starting a Video Blog, where I do cynical social commentary, and get myself out there. It might help with the Self Esteem thing too. Plus video production has always fascinated me. There’s so many different possibilities where this whole adventure could take me, and I still am unsure of where to go next. It’s taking that very first step that’s the biggest obstacle of all.

I’m starting to think I need to go back to school, as I don’t have any real skills, besides my writing ability and that’s not exactly helping me pay the bills. I stay up really late, and write/watch movies/listen to music/play games and it’s because I don’t have any reason at all to be awake early.This insomnia is literally killing me. Slowly but surely. But really I just need to find some sort of purpose in my life, and not to feel so damn empty all the time. It would get me out, and give me some cash so I can start making some real changes, and maybe even get away from Melbourne, either to the country or somewhere interstate.

I’m leaning towards Tasmania or Perth. Although I would love to live in France or Spain as well. Or even with some good mates in California, but to be honest I don’t know about living in the US. It seems so damn superficial, and it seems like they have it pretty bad over there as well. It’s not all roses apparently. All I know is I’ve kinda had enough of everything. I know running doesn’t solve anything, but I feel like I need to just have a fresh start. It’s an imperative really. Besides I don’t really have any reason at all to hang around. Things are stagnant and time is so slow, it just feels so… empty and pointless. I don’t want to live nor die alone and misunderstood. It’s hard because I put up walls to protect others from me, and me from them. Only a small group of people can see past all that bullshit, and they will always be close to me, even if we’re not in the same house, state or country.

I shall try to keep this updated more often, but no promises.

I can write so well when I’m feeling low, but I tend to dwell on things too much when I do that. And I’m trying really hard to do better. Only I can save myself.

And I’m not entirely sure I even want to be saved.

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