With the rising of the sun, the struggle begins anew.

Hey all,

It’s been a while once again, so I figured it’s time for an update.

I’ve been a bit up and down these past few months, struggling with finding purpose and reasoning behind it all. It’s almost like just when I feel I have finally come to understand it all, a whole new set of questions pop up to add even more confusion to the whole thing. Dealing with the emptiness is often the hardest part, but having to deal with the way I handle emotions is proving to be one of the hardest things of all.

I don’t think I feel things as a “normal” person would do. Whether it be love, sadness, joy, happiness or all of the above, I think it’s always somewhat magnified. It’s hard to know exactly what the right thing is to do. Because I often get so caught up in the feeling, that I often overreact and therefore I’m attempting to just take things as they come, and trying to make an educated decision, but that’s pretty damn hard considering I’m so lost all the time. But mostly I just feel lonely. It’s hard going through life feeling so alone. My social life is fairly non-existent and I don’t know how to change that. I find it hard to make new friends as in a way I am socially awkward and being broke makes going out hard too. I’m lost. And it’s especially hard as I don’t know anyone who really knows how this feels, so how can anyone relate to me?

I have plenty of “online” friends, it’s safer and often much easier to communicate this way, but it’s so impersonal, and it often makes me feel even more alone. That the people I get along with so well are million miles away and really I want some face to face personal time. I need to get past this feeling of distance I have from the human race. If I didn’t feel so much overwhelming emotions, I’d be worried I was a sociopath. I don’t get suicidal, but really I just want to feel like a different person a lot of the time.

That’s why alcohol is so much fun, I can relax more and everything is exciting, from Video Games to Music, it’s so much easier to just laugh and have fun when I have a few beers. It’s sad I know. I’m not in denial about who I am, it’s just hard being me sometimes. It’s why I always look for an escape of sorts.

I need to get over the love of my life, it’s never going to happen and she’ll always be the one who gets me the most, but might as well be on another planet. I need to accept I’m alone or move on & make things happen. I can’t handle it. I get so close to her, then we have our usual falling out (mostly always my fault) then we don’t talk for a few months during which I think about her all the damn time, and then she reaches out again and I’m back to square one. I’m stuck on her so badly, yet it feels like I’m in a never-ending cycle, and I’m trapped because I’m so goddamn crazy about her. Perhaps I’m just crazy. Period.

Also… I need a job.

I’m going batshit crazy with all this spare time. I’m getting a lot of work done with my writing and I’m getting some really good stuff down, but the Job Hunting is going so terribly slow. I don’t even really know what I want to do with my life. I don’t have any real ambitions besides family and happiness, so it’s hard to know exactly what sort of career is good for me. I’d ideally love to be a writer to make a living, but it’s getting that foot in the door that’s the hardest part. And it’s not looking any better at all, as I’ve been looking quite aggressively these past few months especially, and I’ve had no luck at all. I’m thinking of starting a Video Blog, where I do cynical social commentary, and get myself out there. It might help with the Self Esteem thing too. Plus video production has always fascinated me. There’s so many different possibilities where this whole adventure could take me, and I still am unsure of where to go next. It’s taking that very first step that’s the biggest obstacle of all.

I’m starting to think I need to go back to school, as I don’t have any real skills, besides my writing ability and that’s not exactly helping me pay the bills. I stay up really late, and write/watch movies/listen to music/play games and it’s because I don’t have any reason at all to be awake early.This insomnia is literally killing me. Slowly but surely. But really I just need to find some sort of purpose in my life, and not to feel so damn empty all the time. It would get me out, and give me some cash so I can start making some real changes, and maybe even get away from Melbourne, either to the country or somewhere interstate.

I’m leaning towards Tasmania or Perth. Although I would love to live in France or Spain as well. Or even with some good mates in California, but to be honest I don’t know about living in the US. It seems so damn superficial, and it seems like they have it pretty bad over there as well. It’s not all roses apparently. All I know is I’ve kinda had enough of everything. I know running doesn’t solve anything, but I feel like I need to just have a fresh start. It’s an imperative really. Besides I don’t really have any reason at all to hang around. Things are stagnant and time is so slow, it just feels so… empty and pointless. I don’t want to live nor die alone and misunderstood. It’s hard because I put up walls to protect others from me, and me from them. Only a small group of people can see past all that bullshit, and they will always be close to me, even if we’re not in the same house, state or country.

I shall try to keep this updated more often, but no promises.

I can write so well when I’m feeling low, but I tend to dwell on things too much when I do that. And I’m trying really hard to do better. Only I can save myself.

And I’m not entirely sure I even want to be saved.

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One thought on “With the rising of the sun, the struggle begins anew.

  1. Its not running away it’s getting away to get a new perspective on life. Personally spain would be amazing with all its rural nice areas but tasmania is amazing. All that nature and perfect views great for writing as it inspires imagination and inspiration. Just remember there are people here for you even if you dont always want to hang out because of your reasons. Even an occasional movie would be nice just for you to get out of the house and get some air.

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