Dodging Hurt

Hey all,

It’s 4:30am and I can’t sleep. But the joys of being an insomniac, it gives me plenty of time to write, read, play games and think.

So all this time has given me some moments of reflection, and my role/place in the world. All these problems I’m having in my life. Unemployment, lack of independence, they are all just an obstacle. In the bigger scheme of things, they are small. Really quite insignificant. It’s hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill (which is my natural instinct) and especially so dealing with the bipolar. Bipolar makes all emotional issues so much worse. Think of it as something the magnifies everything I feel. Be it love, hate, happiness or pain. It can be overwhelming at times. But really it’s how I am. I understand myself better than anyone. And I hope someone else can understand me too. Someday at least.

Pain: I can handle pain. Pain and I are old friends.

Hate: Hate is something that I rarely feel. Life is too short for hate. Although when I do feel hate, the vestiges of my past come rearing back into the surface. I am a little scared of my old self.

My past was a little bit of everything. Rage and violence included. Both at home and outside of it. I was a very angry boy when I was younger. I did some bad things. I used to take them out on my sister. I got in a bunch of fights and I found rage very easy to listen to. But I am not that man anymore. I really don’t want to be.

Happiness: It’s something I struggle with, it feels amazing but still oh so alien to me. It’s strange to not have too many happy memories, but those I have will always be with me. In my darkest moments, it’s those moments that sustain me. At my darkest, it keeps me alive.

Love: Now love is something completely different. I can become infatuated quite easily. That’s why the early stages of a relationship are my favorite times of any relationship. But in terms of true, real love. It’s only happened twice in my whole life. I’ve had alot of girlfriends over the years, and lust definitely.

When I was younger, a relationship was a form of escape, a means to distract me and provide myself with some faulty self esteem. But it was as I got older I’ve discovered that I really wanted someone to get last all the walls and bullshit. What I wanted more than passion and excitement, than lust is a connection. A true understanding, where I don’t have to spin stories, entertain, pretend, play a role or any of that other bullshit.

Just for me to be me, and that’s is okay.

In my life I have tried so hard to find a connection. But I am afraid. I’ve been afraid for so long. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being happy. Afraid of letting some see and know the real me. Afraid that when someone gets close enough, I’ll have to set all the masks and walls aside and tell them everything and not hide behind distracting stories. Hiding the truth. From them. And mostly from myself. But deep down, as much as it scares me, it’s what I’ve always wanted.

Love is the most wonderfully amazing feeling in the world. It’s something that I find very hard to actually feel. It’s something that I’ve even tried to convince myself that I’m feeling it. Sometimes it’s worked. Mostly not.

Falling in love is both a special, exciting time for me. Yet most of the time, it drives me crazy and I either flee or sabotage things so they’ll leave me before things get too complicated.

Yet in my experience, people get hurt and things get complicated. But it’s the connections we make that’s worth that risk. I am not afraid to chase a dream. It’s just putting together all the pieces of the puzzle that’s the hard part. I know what I want, from life, from love. Yet it’s the finer details that are proving to be the hardest to overcome.

Sometimes things go bad. But I’m not afraid. For once. Somethings are just worth all the pain, the worry, the anxiety. Somethings… Are just worth risking it all.

And it’s 7:30am, and I still can’t sleep. *sigh*
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