The Energizer Bunny

Hey all,

She reached out again, so while I’m still riding the high, I wanna get how I’m feeling down. Like a ghost she haunts my dreams and the waking hours of my life. She drifts to and fro from my life and she’s amazing. She gets me in ways I don’t even understand. We’re magnets, drawn inexplicably to one another. I am so completely and utterly in love with her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I think she’ll be the death of me.

Sometimes I think it’s just unrequited love and I should stop being a loser and just move on. But I don’t want to. She is truly one of a kind. She excites me in every single way possible. Mentally, physically, sexually, spiritually.

She isn’t perfect, but that makes me love her even more. It’s not that she’s so wonderfully beautiful, but that I know the girl inside all of that. She has a most wonderful soul, and I love her for it.

I can’t give her everything she deserves. All I can give her is my love, and I’m by no means certain that it would ever be enough for her. And as much as I love/respect/adore her, I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be good enough for her. She makes me feel so alive… But she’s going to kill me.

I wish it was easy. She loves me. I love her. So why can’t we be together? It’s not as easy as that. It should be, but it isn’t. She lives on the other side of the country but that isn’t really the biggest obstacle in my eyes. I just don’t know how she could love someone like me. And I’m not entirely convinced she really knows how she feels. I find it hard to connect to other girls because of how I feel about her. But I don’t know if she’s the same. I’m always lonely because of how I feel about her. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else could make me feel like this. I don’t know if it’s possible.

I share everything with her, and she shares with me. I would give up everything and move the earth to make her happy. But I don’t know if she could love a loser like me. I don’t feel like I deserve her. And maybe she doesn’t deserve me. I don’t know if I want to be the person who is the shoulder to cry on. It’s so unfair. She’s never far from my thoughts, and just when I start to feel remotely okay about it, I go back to square one. It’s a never ending cycle.

She has another man in her life, and I’m terribly jealous of the whole thing. And if she loved me like I love her, how could she be with him? Or maybe I’m the lovesick loser. I want things to be simple in my life. Just one fucking time! If I could just disappear and fade into obscurity with ease, maybe that would work. But I’d still miss her.

Why does life allow me to find someone who for once makes me feel alive, not a silly infatuation, but a real, honest and true feeling that has survived the lest of time… only to put up fucking walls and obstacles and their not even walls of my creation!

I just wish I knew what is the right thing to do. I’d drop everything for her. I just don’t know how how long I can wait for her to ask me. Maybe that’s why it is how it is. Because then it becomes reality and not what it is now. A fantasy. A dream.

*sigh* I’ve had enough for now.

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