Bipolar, a look

Hey all,

It’s been a little while since I’ve written an update, so here goes.

I’ve been living with bipolar for my whole life, lastly undiagnosed for a long time. This combined with an abusive upbringing has made my life interesting to say the least.

Emotions are a blessing and a curse. Like with a lot of things in my life creativity, libido, happiness, sadness, joy, despair it ebbs and flows.

It’s so hard to handle at times, it makes relating to people hard as well. If anything it’s yet another barrier that separates me for everyone else. It’s hard to keep friends, let alone forge relationships.

All the blogging is a means of communicating, and an all important method of therapy of sorts.

I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone, either a friend or girlfriend who could ever understand me or how I am, but I’m hoping through all this that perhaps one day someone will.

It’s hard for me to feel alone, as much as I sorta prefer it. If only because I don’t feel like I’m disappointing anyone or shutting myself away or even worse, lying just to make someone happy.

I did that for 4 years in my last serious relationship, and it’s my one big regret. At the end of the day, it was a waste. I feel bad that it ended like it did, but she deserved better. She was a nice girl and being with me kinda broke her. She deserved someone right for her, and so did I.

It is what it is.

I’m not scared of who I am, although I do have a little bit of shame. I wish I didn’t feel so different. I like who I am. But I still wish I was a little more…normal.

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