To stay or go….

Hey all.

Well I don’t know where to start with all this. I was writing a blog last night on my iPhone and after 2 hours of pouring my heart out, the fucking thing crashed and I couldn’t just start from scratch. Things are just so messy for me, and I don’t know who to talk to.  I can understand where people are coming from when they remind me how stupid this all is, but it’s just not as simple as that for me. Knowing the person you love is with someone else hurts enough, but finding out they love you and think about you doesn’t make it all  okay. I haven’t been able to have anything with anyone else for the most part because of how I feel about her, and so I guess I feel a little betrayed. I guess I was just in denial. If someone says they loved you, how could they be with someone else? Is she with him because I’m in another state and she can’t be alone? Is it because I’m unemployed? Or maybe I’m not good enough. I don’t know.

My psychiatrist said to me yesterday, that if you want something you take it. Otherwise all you’re doing is making excuses not to try, and that means that deep down you didn’t want it that badly after all. I guess it’s because subconsciously you made your choice and anything else is basically stringing me along. I can’t handle it anymore. She can’t expect me to sit by and be happy while she’s with someone else. But I cannot lie to her as much as I’d like to sometimes. She also gets jealous of my relationships with other people. So why ain’t we making plans to be together? She told me the other night, that her heart belongs to me. Now I don’t know if she really meant it, or was just saying it. I feel like it’s real, and I trust her. And part of me feels I have no right being jealous of who she sleeps with considering we’re not actually a couple. But how can you say you love someone and fuck someone else? I wish I could. If she loves me, that’s that. Otherwise she’s using him or stringing me along. Or trying to convince herself.. or holding me up as an alternative?

Or she does love him, and didn’t mean it when she told me. Do I just exist to make her feel good? I don’t know what to feel? Even now I feel like I’m betraying her, by putting all  this in my blog. But what else am I supposed to feel. I’ve had a lot of relationships before, but no one has ever made me feel as whole as she does. I need her. I want her. But i’m afraid I can’t have her. Fuck I’m not even capable of thinking about another girl without feeling guilty. So…. does that make me a dumb lovestruck fool, or am I just being true to the calling of my heart?

As afraid as I am to lose her, It’s worse to have to sit by powerless and watch her with someone else. Regardless of the connection we have and how strongly I love her, I’m not strong enough to sit there and watch. It’s driving me crazy, I’m jealous and it’s tearing my guts out. I want to be able to tell her that she can’t have her cake and eat it too. If she loves me, she’d want me. And if she wants to be with him, then she obviously doesn’t love me. I want her to choose what she wants, because I know what I’ve wanted from the beginning. As afraid as I am that she wont choose me, I’d rather have some closure than being stuck in this fucked up limbo that I’m in now.

But then that would mean saying goodbye. Which I really don’t want.

I could have handled not having her when I figured it was unrequited love. But when she said she loved me, we stopped being just friends in my eyes. And how am I supposed to just ignore all that and go back to just being mates after that? The simple fact is that I cant. I don’t have trouble saying goodbye to people in my life. Change is a simple part of life, it’s the one true constant. But I don’t know how I’ll be able to say goodbye to her. I can’t imagine the future holds without her. I hope she meant it, but then if she did, it makes everything I’m feeling right now very justified… and if she didn’t mean it, well that would also hurt just as bad I suppose.

To those that fail to understand what I’m still clinging onto, well she’s the only one in my whole world, that I can unequivocally talk with. She understands everything, and the walls and masks fall away. I literally have no defense against what she does  to me. I adore her. She brightens up everything… As I posted on Facebook after a 4 hour talk on the phone. “Once again, I am left floating in her wake”
I just don’t see know if I can suffer for eternity for her. Or for anyone for that matter. And if she asked me to, I don’t think I even could. Besides if she loved me, that wouldn’t even be asked of me.

I’m not some dumb fucking loser who will let myself be treated like dirt, or can keep this shit to myself because of how much I love her. I’m really not. It’s because I love her that it hurts, and why I’m not just telling her to “fuck off” like someone so conveniently put it last night.

So I guess all this is about trying to retake control of my life, and there’s no shades of grey this time. I wish I could just turn it back. Maybe if I’d done something about it before now, it might not have reached the loggerhead that it has now. But I obviously am not content to be an observer anymore. When I was really bad last night, I reached out to some other “friends” and it made me realize how important she is to me. But I’m so emotionally invested in her, so I cannot go back… Now the big question I suppose is, do I throw my cards in or am I really strong enough to wait and see what happens? Can I be a shoulder to cry on, when I love her so damn much? I don’t think I can. As much as it sucks to admit it, it’s the honest truth. I never knew how hard it was, having no one who really understands.

But I guess I always assumed she’d be a part of my life.

Perhaps I was foolish to tell her how I feel. Or brave. I don’t know. But you never know unless you have the courage and convictions to open your mouth.

I love you. The three hardest words to say.

It’s the most wonderful thing when it works.. But can be downright miserable when it doesn’t. Now I hope things work out for the best. IF they don’t or if they do… there will sure be a lesson to learn from that.

But right now, I just want to get drunk. Just to feel something different.

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