Go F**k Yourself

Hey y’all

Like a lot of things of late, I’m struggling. It’s becoming increasingly hard because I’ve come to realize that I don’t have anyone I can rely on, no matter what. Too many dramas, far too much bullshit. My shrink said we tend to attract certain types of people into our lives, and I guess I have to make a change. I hold certain people on a pedestal of sorts and at the end of the day, I’m always let down. I’m not afraid to take a risk, or to follow my heart. I know I’m standoffish, aloof and secretive.

But underneath all that, i really want to share myself with someone. With anyone. But how can anyone understand how I feel? I barely do. I can barely sleep. I can’t quiet my mind for a minute. I’m alone and I’m losing my fucking mind. Why is it that in all the people in my life it’s easiest to talk to my psychiatrist?

I don’t care what any of you think when you read this? I write this for me. As a form of therapy, to get things off my chest in an environment free of judgement or condescending bullshit from people who have no idea what I’m going through or how the fuck this feels. Like its some fucking holiday… What the fuck do you know? Who the fuck are you to make me feel pathetic? Some feel a need to kick me when I’m down. Some just think I’m playing it up, like I enjoy being miserable. Fuck you. Fuck your assumptions. And fuck the self righteous horse you rode in on. If you feel your better than me, you pity me or are simply dragging me down. I don’t care if your a friend or even family. I mean this from the bottom of my heart… Go Fuck Yourself.

I just want to drink myself into a stupor. I know it doesn’t help or make things better. But I don’t care. At least I’m trying to kid myself into believing that. God knows I just want to be fucked up. I don’t care about right or wrong right now. I don’t even care what you think. I’m looking after me. Go Fuck Yourself.

I’m just so god damn angry. With myself for letting this shit get to me. I’m angry for feeling so out of control. People say shit and take it back, they say they care then stab you in the heart. I hate that I can’t turn my heart into stone. I hate that no matter how much I drink, or do drugs, or distract myself none of it works. I hate everything. I hate myself most of all. It’s why I’m rejected by those whom I want to care most. It started with my dad, and its still going now. I hate having all this shit in my head… And that I can’t share it with anyone.

Don’t ask me if I’m okay. I’ll just say I’m fine. Just so you all can leave me alone. It’s safer this say.

I just want to be enough. But I know I wont be. I just want to feel special. But I’m finding it real hard to be positive. I just want something different. Anything. If you have the answers just tell me. Cos I’m fucking clueless.

Just for once I want to feel alive, and not in a way that involves bleeding or fucking.

So yeah. This might be the last thing I write for a long while. I have to stop. Cos this isn’t living. It’s barely fucking surviving. Mind you venting like this is cathartic and it lifts some of the weight off my shoulders. 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One thought on “Go F**k Yourself

  1. I’m sorry your having a hard time adam. I certainly do not think i understand what your going through. Life certainly is hard and it’s unfair you have to cop all that. I know i haven’t always been the best friend but thats not due to me not wanting to be just more my own insecurities and feeling lost in my own world.

    I wish we had more time to catch up and just “nerd out”. We love all the same stuff- warhammer, x-box, horror movies and writing. It’s nice to have someone with whom i can let my inner self out the guy who loves fantasy and being something bigger than i am. There isn’t much i can do as im not trained to help in anyway but if you ever want to shoot the shit and munch some junk food or even just nerd out u know where to find me. I will make more effort to ask you do you want to hang out even if you are unable to hang out. Least you will know i genuinly am trying.

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