Progression leaves me defenseless

Hey y’all.

I’ve been making some progress with my psychologist, and in my sessions we’ve been working at getting me to lower my walls. To essentially stop me from shutting out the world in self defense. Because in separating myself, I’m not protecting myself I’m only making things worse. The loneliness and separation i feel is a byproduct of my depression and it fuels what I call the “darkness”

But here lies the conundrum. In slowing lowering my walls, I expose myself to pain, hurt and loss. I have a tendency to hyper realize emotions. When I love, it’s intoxicating. When I hurt, it’s all encompassing. I sink and dwell and by lowering the walls, I let the darkness in even more.

You see while the darkness exists in me, it is fed and dictated by others in many ways. In my desire to separate myself, I only make things worse. But I can’t shut myself away from people, I must embrace the light, because if I hide away it will never depart, never leave me alone. My hope lies in others.

It is love and hope that will one day set me free. While that day is a long way away, I understand now what I must do. It’s just the struggles that define us, and make the destinations we seek so much sweeter.

It’s just going to be hard. But I know I’m strong enough to do it. And I know I cannot do it alone. So I’ll do my best to let you in. Somedays will be hard. Almost terrible. But the rewards will be worth all the pain and confusion. I know that now.

No more hiding, no more running. Just take a deep breath, and take it one step at a time.

And that’s the hard part. 🙂

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A Natural Progression

Hey all,

Well this post should be fairly short n sweet. Seeing a psychologist has really been helping dealing with my anxiety and abandonment issues. It’s nice to just be able to talk about it. Because honestly I enjoy listening with those I care about, and at least this way I can just blab on about how I’m feeling. I don’t have to worry about upsetting anyone, being too forward or whatever else. I just just talk about it. Which is nice.

I’ve been making some progress, not enough for my liking, but progress is better than not trying. And I’m glad I’ve been getting the help I need. Because I cannot do it alone.

Somedays are miserable but I’m keeping myself distracted. But I’m seeing a light whereas I could only see darkness before. The emptiness and loneliness is still there. Just not so overwhelming as it was before. I’m not out of the woods, but I’m getting there.

Other aspects of my life are still in a sort of limbo. I need to move, and I’m still to decide what’s best for me. I’m hoping for an interstate move, but I don’t think that’s likely. We shall see.

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