The First Step…

Hey all…

Well where do I begin? I’ve been making some definite progress in overcoming my anxiety. It’s all baby steps really, but I’m reaching out more to people, and while it’s not necessarily successful it’s a start. Sometimes when it comes to connecting with another human being, the have to be willing to meet you half way. And sometimes, people don’t even know you’re there. But it happens. And if they don’t notice, then they’re probably not worth your time. But I find strength in that I’m actually making the effort. I just wish sometimes other people could say the same. Sometimes it’s like bashing my head against a brick wall. Sometimes I just feel like I’m bothering people. But I’ll keep trying. It’s all I can do. I might not pay off, but the effort is encouraging. I’m not hiding away, and I’m not going anywhere. In this I am determined.

I’ve been looking into a serious move away from Melbourne, at the moment I’m looking at study in Bendigo. I’ve sent in applications and hopefully once it’s approved I can find some accommodation. I just want/need to start over somewhere new. I’ll never make a go of anything if I keep doing things as I am. I need to get away from all the people, all the temptations that are prevalent here in Melbourne. I always feel so much more at ease in the country. All I want is to settle down in my own quiet part of the world, to write and create in an entirely different environment. I know it will do wonders for me.

And I’m not going anywhere near my parents. It’s far too much to handle. The breakup is still kinda difficult to handle, but I want them both to be happy. I love my mum and dad with all my heart, and through therapy, I’ve learned to forgive them. Things will never be perfect, but I’m approaching it with a positive attitude.

So like always with me, it’s time to do something drastic. I’m going to seriously quit smoking and I’m trying to stop my need to escape/self medicate with alcohol. I don’t over do it, but I’m worried I’ll end up like my father. That in itself is great motivation. As much as I love to drink, it tends to take my mind to those dark places inside myself. Those places kinda scare me. Because all it takes is the stars to align in a negative way, and anything is possible. It that fact scares me the most.

No more unhealthy relationships. Both romantically and plutonically… Embrace those whom I love and remind them of that fact every chance I get. It is those people who bring me back for the edge. You are the light that fights off the darkness. I know who my “real” friends are. And don’t take offense if I decide to not be friends anymore. It’s not about you. It’s about me and what I get from our relationship. I’m embracing the real me. The emotional, creative, sensitive, erratic and empathic me. I feel… and I’m not going to hide from it anymore. And if you don’t like who I am, that’s your problem. Some people miss the old me. But I don’t. I was never happy. Not deep down inside. No matter how much I drank, or drugs i did, or girls I slept with. I was always battling that emptiness I feel inside. I was hiding from who I am, and for far too long. I’m not a bad person. Hell I’ve done some terrible things in the past. But it’s what i decide to do now is what defines me. I’m acting for what I feel is best for me, and only me.

There was a quote from the season finale of Dexter that really struck a chord with me.

“They make it look easy. Connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.”

At times, I almost fell an affinity with the character. Cos I too feel different from everyone else. In fact, I know I’m different. I used to look at other people and how they interact with a form of envy, but in reality I can’t really imagine what it feels like to have a real, intimate connection with another person. I have a few friends with whom I share myself with to an extent, but there is always some sort of barrier. Something that holds me back. And I guess I’d like to know what that’s like. To lay all my anxieties bare and expose my soul to someone else. To be seen for who I really am, free of masks and walls. Free to just be me. No defensive mechanisms,  no more hiding.

But I’m reaching out, and in many ways I’m fighting my own nature. Which is to withdraw… To flee… To Hide. I can’t brighten anyone elses life or my own if I’m hiding where it’s safe. In the shadows.

Because I don’t expect you to understand how I feel. I wish you did, but I gave up on wishes a long time ago. Wishes are for children after all. And I don’t dare make any for myself.

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Addictions

Hey all,

Well I figured I’d post an update since it’s been a while. So what’s new? Well I’ve been taking my psychologists advice and making an effort to be a little more outgoing, and to try and let some people into my life and my head. It’s not easy let me tell you, breaking down a lifetime of bad habits and programming is a challenge. It’s the whole separation thing, it’s harder to ask for help or even to let someone past the barriers that protect me from them and them from me. It’s annoying.

I proved last weekend that in any moment I’m capable of anything, but also that sometimes the most interaction people can expect from me is something purely temporary. I’m still taking baby steps. I’m not quite ready to show myself to the world again. I don’t often feel a connection to other people, and sometimes I get what I need out of people, then they are really of no use to me. It’s nothing personal, but I can only offer so much sometimes. Some people come into your life, and  they’re funny and easy going but it’s when they want more from me than I’m prepared to give… that’s the final straw. I tend to try too hard sometimes, especially when I meet someone who interests me. But most of the time, I can only offer so much. I’m aiming for something more down the middle than to the extremes…. A connection, especially something intimate and personal, is a lot harder to cultivate.

Not everyone can understand the anxiety and separation I feel. Some would argue that years of unhealthy drug and alcohol abuse has only made the problem worse, but I think the things I was running away from are really the problem. It’s hard to feel like I have anything decent to offer anyone, besides friendship and in special cases, emotional and personal support. I’m a good listener and I’ve lived enough to even be able to offer sound advice on things. Not being arrogant here, but I tend to be correct a lot of the time. Apparently, I’m wise. I can also be quite charming when I wanna be. But the honest truth is, that since I’ve stopped approaching social situations with alcohol, it’s a lot harder to find that confidence and swagger that serves me so well. Sometimes I wish I could always be that person. It doesn’t matter how different I feel, or that I only feel connected to a couple of people in the whole wide world. When I drink, I say what I feel, and the world is mine for the taking. And it shows in the reactions of other people. Girls like that me, and guys love to hang around with that guy. But I can’t be him anymore really. Because it’s all pretend.

For a long time, every week involved alcohol. Going out to the clubs, concerts and parties. I was never short of company, both platonic and intimate. But when you play a “persona” for so long, and everyone seems to love him, a resentment of sorts begins to build. I started to think “These people ain’t interested in knowing what makes me tick, they don’t want to know the man hidden behind the mask” and to be honest, I started to feel withdrawn, bitter and alone… And especially angry. And anger is an emotion which excites me in other people, but in myself it scares me. I’m scared if I let it out, it will raze the world as I know it to the ground. I’ve suppressed so many emotions since my youth that when I feel something, hell anything it’s tends to be magnified a thousand fold. Love is intense and scary in its own way, but I still haven’t found a way to express anger in a healthy, more meaningful way.

Loneliness is something else I struggle with. In a room full of people, I can feel so alone. Like a ninja, I wish I could just blend into the shadows. Because it’s safer watching from a distance. But the trust is, I don’t want to be a bystander anymore. I don’t want to love and never let someone in. I don’t want to fight away connections I could feel for other people because of interactions I have with the girl of my dreams. Everyone is compared to that relationship and while it’s awesome and special that I have that, it’s also kinda messed up. It’s partially why I feel so alone. Because it’s my choice to not let other people in. I’ll never know unless I try. I’m not afraid to try and fail. But I guess I’m afraid that if I let someone in, they wont like what they see. And it’s easier being rejected when someone doesn’t know who I really am on the inside. But I’m going to try my best to make an effort from now on. But the worst part is, that most people bore me. So perhaps I’m destined for something a little more special and not so common. That’s not such a bad thing is it? I think the right people will be at least willing to meet me half way. Most people only think about themselves and what they can get out of anything (work, relationships etc) because happiness is so fleeting. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and alone.

So really this post is about my addictions. I’m addicted to love, pain and passion. I’m addicted to the confidence I get when I drink. I’m addicted to the numbness I get when I smoke. But really these all serve as a means to an end. To get me away from what is most natural. To hide, to withdraw. To not be me. And that just ain’t on. There’s a misconception that I enjoy being depressed, that I like being unhappy. While it’s true that depression and sadness aids me creatively, it’s no way to live. And while I’m not the suicidal type really… when things are especially dark, the thoughts do enter my mind. As an escape. But it’s not a solution. I don’t want to die. I have so much to give. I just have to give it a chance, and be patient. All good things go not happen overnight. And destiny has a funny way of rearing it’s ugly head.  While part of me doesn’t believe in “fate” I believe I am meant for something more than this. That someday I’ll be happy and have the things that I want. But I have to make it happen.

All I want is a measure of happiness. Something simple. I don’t want fame or fortune, and I don’t feel I’m anymore deserving of those things than anyone else. But I’m a good person. And I like to think that eventually good things happen to good people. Sadly the world we live in is more suited to the materialistic and greedy. I think it should be based of love and happiness as a more tangible form of success so it’s hard for me to find my place in it.

But I will in time. I hope. Because all I feel sometimes is it’s me against the world. And the world is winning.

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