Addictions

Hey all,

Well I figured I’d post an update since it’s been a while. So what’s new? Well I’ve been taking my psychologists advice and making an effort to be a little more outgoing, and to try and let some people into my life and my head. It’s not easy let me tell you, breaking down a lifetime of bad habits and programming is a challenge. It’s the whole separation thing, it’s harder to ask for help or even to let someone past the barriers that protect me from them and them from me. It’s annoying.

I proved last weekend that in any moment I’m capable of anything, but also that sometimes the most interaction people can expect from me is something purely temporary. I’m still taking baby steps. I’m not quite ready to show myself to the world again. I don’t often feel a connection to other people, and sometimes I get what I need out of people, then they are really of no use to me. It’s nothing personal, but I can only offer so much sometimes. Some people come into your life, and  they’re funny and easy going but it’s when they want more from me than I’m prepared to give… that’s the final straw. I tend to try too hard sometimes, especially when I meet someone who interests me. But most of the time, I can only offer so much. I’m aiming for something more down the middle than to the extremes…. A connection, especially something intimate and personal, is a lot harder to cultivate.

Not everyone can understand the anxiety and separation I feel. Some would argue that years of unhealthy drug and alcohol abuse has only made the problem worse, but I think the things I was running away from are really the problem. It’s hard to feel like I have anything decent to offer anyone, besides friendship and in special cases, emotional and personal support. I’m a good listener and I’ve lived enough to even be able to offer sound advice on things. Not being arrogant here, but I tend to be correct a lot of the time. Apparently, I’m wise. I can also be quite charming when I wanna be. But the honest truth is, that since I’ve stopped approaching social situations with alcohol, it’s a lot harder to find that confidence and swagger that serves me so well. Sometimes I wish I could always be that person. It doesn’t matter how different I feel, or that I only feel connected to a couple of people in the whole wide world. When I drink, I say what I feel, and the world is mine for the taking. And it shows in the reactions of other people. Girls like that me, and guys love to hang around with that guy. But I can’t be him anymore really. Because it’s all pretend.

For a long time, every week involved alcohol. Going out to the clubs, concerts and parties. I was never short of company, both platonic and intimate. But when you play a “persona” for so long, and everyone seems to love him, a resentment of sorts begins to build. I started to think “These people ain’t interested in knowing what makes me tick, they don’t want to know the man hidden behind the mask” and to be honest, I started to feel withdrawn, bitter and alone… And especially angry. And anger is an emotion which excites me in other people, but in myself it scares me. I’m scared if I let it out, it will raze the world as I know it to the ground. I’ve suppressed so many emotions since my youth that when I feel something, hell anything it’s tends to be magnified a thousand fold. Love is intense and scary in its own way, but I still haven’t found a way to express anger in a healthy, more meaningful way.

Loneliness is something else I struggle with. In a room full of people, I can feel so alone. Like a ninja, I wish I could just blend into the shadows. Because it’s safer watching from a distance. But the trust is, I don’t want to be a bystander anymore. I don’t want to love and never let someone in. I don’t want to fight away connections I could feel for other people because of interactions I have with the girl of my dreams. Everyone is compared to that relationship and while it’s awesome and special that I have that, it’s also kinda messed up. It’s partially why I feel so alone. Because it’s my choice to not let other people in. I’ll never know unless I try. I’m not afraid to try and fail. But I guess I’m afraid that if I let someone in, they wont like what they see. And it’s easier being rejected when someone doesn’t know who I really am on the inside. But I’m going to try my best to make an effort from now on. But the worst part is, that most people bore me. So perhaps I’m destined for something a little more special and not so common. That’s not such a bad thing is it? I think the right people will be at least willing to meet me half way. Most people only think about themselves and what they can get out of anything (work, relationships etc) because happiness is so fleeting. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and alone.

So really this post is about my addictions. I’m addicted to love, pain and passion. I’m addicted to the confidence I get when I drink. I’m addicted to the numbness I get when I smoke. But really these all serve as a means to an end. To get me away from what is most natural. To hide, to withdraw. To not be me. And that just ain’t on. There’s a misconception that I enjoy being depressed, that I like being unhappy. While it’s true that depression and sadness aids me creatively, it’s no way to live. And while I’m not the suicidal type really… when things are especially dark, the thoughts do enter my mind. As an escape. But it’s not a solution. I don’t want to die. I have so much to give. I just have to give it a chance, and be patient. All good things go not happen overnight. And destiny has a funny way of rearing it’s ugly head.  While part of me doesn’t believe in “fate” I believe I am meant for something more than this. That someday I’ll be happy and have the things that I want. But I have to make it happen.

All I want is a measure of happiness. Something simple. I don’t want fame or fortune, and I don’t feel I’m anymore deserving of those things than anyone else. But I’m a good person. And I like to think that eventually good things happen to good people. Sadly the world we live in is more suited to the materialistic and greedy. I think it should be based of love and happiness as a more tangible form of success so it’s hard for me to find my place in it.

But I will in time. I hope. Because all I feel sometimes is it’s me against the world. And the world is winning.

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2 thoughts on “Addictions

  1. You’ll get there… You might not be perfect but you are caring, kind, funny and ultimately loveable 🙂

    Love yourself, and give others the chance to do the same… One day someone will do it in the most gorgeous unconditional way, and you’ll never look back.

    • It’s all a work in progress, and while I want to believe it’s the actual doing it thats the struggle. Trying to break a decade of programming and self reliance.

      Thank you. 🙂

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