The First Step…

Hey all…

Well where do I begin? I’ve been making some definite progress in overcoming my anxiety. It’s all baby steps really, but I’m reaching out more to people, and while it’s not necessarily successful it’s a start. Sometimes when it comes to connecting with another human being, the have to be willing to meet you half way. And sometimes, people don’t even know you’re there. But it happens. And if they don’t notice, then they’re probably not worth your time. But I find strength in that I’m actually making the effort. I just wish sometimes other people could say the same. Sometimes it’s like bashing my head against a brick wall. Sometimes I just feel like I’m bothering people. But I’ll keep trying. It’s all I can do. I might not pay off, but the effort is encouraging. I’m not hiding away, and I’m not going anywhere. In this I am determined.

I’ve been looking into a serious move away from Melbourne, at the moment I’m looking at study in Bendigo. I’ve sent in applications and hopefully once it’s approved I can find some accommodation. I just want/need to start over somewhere new. I’ll never make a go of anything if I keep doing things as I am. I need to get away from all the people, all the temptations that are prevalent here in Melbourne. I always feel so much more at ease in the country. All I want is to settle down in my own quiet part of the world, to write and create in an entirely different environment. I know it will do wonders for me.

And I’m not going anywhere near my parents. It’s far too much to handle. The breakup is still kinda difficult to handle, but I want them both to be happy. I love my mum and dad with all my heart, and through therapy, I’ve learned to forgive them. Things will never be perfect, but I’m approaching it with a positive attitude.

So like always with me, it’s time to do something drastic. I’m going to seriously quit smoking and I’m trying to stop my need to escape/self medicate with alcohol. I don’t over do it, but I’m worried I’ll end up like my father. That in itself is great motivation. As much as I love to drink, it tends to take my mind to those dark places inside myself. Those places kinda scare me. Because all it takes is the stars to align in a negative way, and anything is possible. It that fact scares me the most.

No more unhealthy relationships. Both romantically and plutonically… Embrace those whom I love and remind them of that fact every chance I get. It is those people who bring me back for the edge. You are the light that fights off the darkness. I know who my “real” friends are. And don’t take offense if I decide to not be friends anymore. It’s not about you. It’s about me and what I get from our relationship. I’m embracing the real me. The emotional, creative, sensitive, erratic and empathic me. I feel… and I’m not going to hide from it anymore. And if you don’t like who I am, that’s your problem. Some people miss the old me. But I don’t. I was never happy. Not deep down inside. No matter how much I drank, or drugs i did, or girls I slept with. I was always battling that emptiness I feel inside. I was hiding from who I am, and for far too long. I’m not a bad person. Hell I’ve done some terrible things in the past. But it’s what i decide to do now is what defines me. I’m acting for what I feel is best for me, and only me.

There was a quote from the season finale of Dexter that really struck a chord with me.

“They make it look easy. Connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.”

At times, I almost fell an affinity with the character. Cos I too feel different from everyone else. In fact, I know I’m different. I used to look at other people and how they interact with a form of envy, but in reality I can’t really imagine what it feels like to have a real, intimate connection with another person. I have a few friends with whom I share myself with to an extent, but there is always some sort of barrier. Something that holds me back. And I guess I’d like to know what that’s like. To lay all my anxieties bare and expose my soul to someone else. To be seen for who I really am, free of masks and walls. Free to just be me. No defensive mechanisms,  no more hiding.

But I’m reaching out, and in many ways I’m fighting my own nature. Which is to withdraw… To flee… To Hide. I can’t brighten anyone elses life or my own if I’m hiding where it’s safe. In the shadows.

Because I don’t expect you to understand how I feel. I wish you did, but I gave up on wishes a long time ago. Wishes are for children after all. And I don’t dare make any for myself.

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