Change

Hey all.

Lately I’ve discovered that I have a new somewhat developing addiction. I’m becoming addicted to change.

It’s a strange place to be in. Finding a ground somewhere more in the middle, than the extremes I used to define my life by, is amazing, exciting and terrifying all at once. I’m taking those first tentative steps in chasing a dream, and finding a future that I can be happy with. As opposed to finding day to day moments of happiness.

I’m still unwavering in my certainty of certain things in my life. My strong moral compass and my utter devotion to those (who know who they are) who help me find meaning in life whereas I am so used to hiding away and the responsibility of protection is diminished and isn’t something I can ever find all on my own.

It’s the connections we forge that define who we are and the impact we will have on the world and those whom matter most to us.

I’ve been told I am a dreamer. Perhaps even a little idealistic. But whats so terrible about that? My expectations are set incredibly high and again I cannot compromise on this. In many ways, it’s my biggest flaw. But I cannot accept things in half measures. I cannot accept the cards I’ve been dealt. Even though it’s a thousand times more painful than I ever imagined.

And I am as sure now as I have ever been in what I feel in my heart to to utterly true and I refuse to compromise in this.

So for once, I’m the one dictating terms. I always waited for the right opportunity to follow a dream, to make my mark. But in reality, I had no idea of what a dream could be. For when all you can see at a point in time is darkness, than any light no matter how bright can illuminate things. Perhaps even provide a distraction away from all the problems I have. Not only with my childhood, but mostly with myself.

The fact of the matter is this. Life is a never ending journey. An all encompassing ever changing journey. And I guess we are all searching for something. That one thing that could make sense of it all. But what if it’s unattainable?

Or even worse, what if it’s right in front of you and all you have to do it reach out and take it?

I’m always going to feel lonely, and sadly lacking in some departments in my life. It’s an unfortunate byproduct of my upbringing. But I do find times where it’s not so terrible, to feel a lack of connection with most people, and a strong enslaving connection to rare individuals. I used to find fault in this.

But in reality in my lifetime of masks, deceit, rage and passion… It is this thing. This one little, seemingly insignificant connection that proved to be the beginning of my salvation. It’s this thing that makes me feel real. A connection that reminds and strengthens me. I am not alone. I am different, but it’s this differences that make me who I am. And I am a good person. I may not by “good” in the strictest sense of the world, but beneath the deviancy and impulsiveness… I believe I am good.

Does this mean I have a method to the madness? Or am I just insane?

No. And you should not assume that because someone is different, that they are insane. Stigmatising people who are different is the root of all prejudice, it’s the ultimate underlying cause behind terror and all racial and religious hatred. From one philosophical point of view, we are none of us different, we are all part of humanity, and should be respected individually for what we are.

It’s what I love about you.

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