The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same…

Hey all,

Well first off, it was once again my intention of keeping this blog updated and fairly current, but I’ve been lax again. 3 months really isn’t good enough in my opinion. So I’m not going to promise anything, I’ll just write when I damn well feel like it. Hahaha (was is just me or was that a tad melodramatic?)

Anyway, today’s theme is transition and change.

In a way, I’m obsessed with change and moving forward. I believe it’s because I used to be so frightened of it. It was why I’d say in a relationship in which I was not happy (you’ll never find the right person if you don’t let go of the wrong one) and never really took steps to grow and become something greater. My old life was all about the moment, and nothing about growing as a person. It was all drugs and alcohol, parties and constant distractions. Because I was running from something. But it took me hitting rock bottom in order to really take a good long hard look at myself and what I was doing.

I have never really liked what I see when I look in the mirror. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself. I know I have a whole bunch of redeeming qualities. And I know I am a great friend. Even if I am a little rough around the edges. But why I was so scared of confronting myself and forcing change is because I didn’t know anything else that what I was. I’d wrapped myself in a security blanket of sorts, and I didn’t change. Not until it was basically forced on me.

And I haven’t looked back ever since.

But I’ve discovered that for all the improvements I’ve made, things are still a little too familiar for my liking. But I suppose change does take time, and the steps I’ve taken are far greater than I ever dared to imagine for myself. I’ve endeavoured to give up the smoking, get into a mild resemblance of shape, grow and take myself outside my comfort zone at every opportunity I get. How else am I going to escape my Gollum like experience. (just geeked out a little because the spell checker recognized Gollum lol)

I find I just have to be patient, that’s all. Change takes time, and I cannot expect the instant gratification I was kind of hoping for.

I choose to focus on the things I love about my life. I love my classes and my classmates. The whole going back to study thing has helped me grow so much already. I’m rediscovering who I am on a daily basis, and it’s fantastic. Sure things are not ideal, and I’m definitely not where i want to be. But already I am a thousand time better off than I was. The future isn’t so bleak anymore. I’m off my anti-depressants, and I’m trying to find an even ground. I don’t think traditional happiness is something that’s meant for me, being bipolar means that I feel emotions on a much higher level than I’d like, but as with all things, there are ups and downs. But I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Whereas before I could only see darkness. Where there was only despair, I find a bit of hope, that things will be different. That I will forge some real connections with real human beings, both romantically and platonically. I just have to remember that I feel things differently, and to be mindful of that. Otherwise, it’s so easy to be overwhelmed by sadness or loneliness.

Relationships: Where once I only found gratification in taking care of a physical need, I always resented the lack of a real emotional connection. But in reality if I don’t let someone in, how can I expect them to get to know the “real me” and not what I presented to them.

Work: I’m not going to allow myself to stay still and comfortable. I took a big risk in going back to school, but the truth is I’ll never have a chance to chase my dreams and find a job that is satisfying unless I risked something different. It’s not about money, it never really has been. I’d choose happiness over wealth and success any day of the week. I’d just like to be able to earn a comfortable living, and actually have a career instead of a series of jobs that simply provided me with the funds I needed to get as drunk or high as I needed to be.

I suppose the gist of it is, that I finally know what I want. From life, from a partner.. from everything. It will just take some time, that’s all. But I know I will get there. I don’t doubt that anymore. It was once a distant, almost unrealizable hope, but the steps I’m taking will make it a reality. I know it. And if you don’t believe me, I can’t wait to prove you wrong.
No more obsessing about the things in life I don’t have.
No more holding a candle for something or someone that in reality is unattainable. It’s time I simply moved on. Whereas before I justified it by saying I was being devoted, now I know it’s only holding me back. How am I supposed to find something else, when all I do is compare it to something that wasn’t mine to begin with? Some of it was that it’s how I really feel deep down inside, and another part is that I’d never imagined I could find something better than that. And why would I want to? It’s exactly what I want, and nothing less than that was good enough.

But I think that’s the problem. Why should I maintain devotion if all it does is hold me back from what I can have? not just what I want more than anything. So here’s to moving on. And continually moving forward. In reality, I have to learn to not be so hard on myself. I’m not a bad guy. In fact, I’m a good guy. I’m deserving of the things I’ve denied myself for so long. Love, happiness, passion, excitement. All the good stuff. So no more thinking about what I don’t have, and concentrating on what I can have and already do. I’m embracing my creative side, and I write at every opportunity I can. I am also getting into some amateur photography, as a means of reminding myself where I’ve been and how far I’ve grown. It’s awesome. I can honestly say I’m not the person I used to be. I am something much greater now. But I still have a long way to go. And I’m looking forward to seeing where my adventure takes me. And I’ll be sure to keep y’all posted.

Life is mine for the taking. I can do anything I set my mind to. I can find happiness and security. I can finally, at last find a measure of peace. Now all I hope for today is for some sunshine, so I can go for a wander and take some photos. Life is so much greater when it’s mixed with creativity and passion. And I can’t wait to see where the road takes me….

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