Four Seasons in One Day

Hey all,

Ahhh I love bipolar sometimes. It resembles a rollercoaster, lots of ups n downs, soaring happiness and deep sadness. It definitely keeps things interesting. I’ve gotten used to the bad feelings for the most part. I never enjoy them, at least not anymore. When I was younger, misery really was my portal to creativity. I just can’t go to that place anymore. Not voluntarily anyway. I find misery and sadness far too natural and easy to get to, so I tend to have to push myself to be overly positive. Life is awesome, and its even better when you see the good things in life, and not entirely focussed on the things that I don’t have, things unattainable etc.

Instead, I choose to focus on the things in life I love. It’s awesome just to be alive honestly. I was so sure I wouldn’t make it this far. So in reality, everyday is a blessing. It really is.

So I take the good and the bad as it comes. Life’s far too short to focus on the things that make you sad. There are signs everyday that are plain to see.

But only you can be responsible for your own happiness.

I’m excited to see where the next leg of life’s great adventure will take me. 🙂

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Brightness

Hey all,

Somtimes when things are at their darkest, its hard to see anything other that impending doom, but i’m more gratefull during those times that I have hope.

Hope that things will one day change. That all the struggles, heartache, stress and pain will all be worthwhile. Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes not. I guess I still have to work on being patient. But then again, I dont really have much of a choice. Because I’m not about to give in.

I am a lot of things but a quitter aint one of them.

I am a great person, and I deserve all the great things in life. But happiness isnt something easy to attain without effort. So thats why I’m throwing myself out there, no matter the consequences. I’ll never know unless I try. And what’s the worst thing that could happen? At the end of the day, if I dont, nothing will ever change. And I think the realization would kill me.

I choose to focus on the things that make me happy. On my great friends and work on making some new ones. I’ve pushed too many people away for far too long. I just have to remember that it’s all baby steps. And to take things one step at a time. But again, patience has never really been one of my strong suits.

So at the moment, everythings the same. But I’m surviving, putting one foot in front of the other. It’s the only way I know how to be. I refuse to take all the great things in life for granted. And I will succeed. Just watch me.

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The Dark is Generous…

Its first gift is concealment
Our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still.
But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.

Its second gift is comforting illusion
The ease of gentle dreams in night’s embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day’s harsh light.
But the greatest of its comforts is the illusion that the dark is temporary:
that every night brings a new day.
Because it is day, that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.

Its third gift is the light itself
As days are defined by nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel,
the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the center of its own self.
With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins.

The dark is generous, and it is patient
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice that drips contempt into compassion that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow,
and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.
The dark’s patience is infinite.
Eventually, even stars burn out.

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins
It always wins because it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire;
It is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed.
Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins
But in the heart of its strength lies weakness:
one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.

Love can ignite the stars.
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A Ray of Sunshine

Hey all,

Well where do I start? It’s common knowledge that things have been a real struggle for me as of late. I’m staring bankruptcy in the face. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. And those horrible suicidal thoughts whisper into my mind with disturbing frequency.

In many ways, my home is a lot like a prison. I dread coming back here most of the time and for no real reason. It’s weird. I’m constantly surrounded by people, but I’m wracked by constant loneliness. It’s not even in a romantic sense, not really. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to know what it feels like to be content, to feel love for someone special.
It’s just the fact that I don’t have anyone I can really relate to, which I guess is a good thing of sorts, cos knowing me I’d end up developing clingy sickening feelings and it’s a common rule that me and relationships just don’t work. Not in the way I want, which is for the long run. In many ways I’m still dealing with my own problems with myself.

Now when I say I have self worth problems, it’s not like I hate myself. Because I don’t. Sure I have moments where I wish I could change: lose weight, fix my nose/shoulder/knees/back, and god how I’d love to be able to get rid of those horrible dark circles that are around my eyes…

But besides all that, I know I’m a good person. I know I’m caring and smart and different, and it’s those things I love most about myself. It’s through growing up with this bipolar thing that I’ve really learned to get in touch with my deeper side, and that side of me I’m terrified to share with other people. Even thought its the one thing I crave more than anything else. More than companionship, more than success, more than passion and fire and sexuality. I’d really love to be able to be me, warts and all, with an actual person. Not a voice on the phone, or lines of text on my phone or computer screen. I’m talking a real person, someone who I can hug, whose hand I can hold. I’m talking real genuine comfort. The people I’m closest with, I’ve hardly seen or have never even met in person in real life. Sometimes I even maintain a deluded romantic view of my relationships with there people. No wonder I feel so lonely all the damn time.

But I’m going to change all that. It may take time, and like with everything else I have my doubts, but it’s what I need to do. Mark my words, Adam Cornish (me) is attempting to rejoin the human race.

I’m still going to stay behind a mask, its an imperative… I cant just flick a switch and let it all out but I’m letting a little more than I feel comfortable with. I can’t hide who I am, because I’m never going to be anything other than what I am. I’ve accepted that, even tho it sucks sometimes. I can’t hide away from life and fear of failure and rejection. I’ll die sooner than I’d like if I don’t change how I do things.

A great friend from school completely surprised me today, and I don’t think I could ever let her know how much it meant, to know someone cares. I’ve forgotten what that felt like to be honest. It brightened up my day, and I’m still finding it hard to believe. Which is really really sad the more I think about it. There are people who care about me. I’m not looking for a savior.

But it’s people like that are my connection to the human race. I can’t run away from that, nor can I pretend I’m not erratic emotionally. I am what I am, let’s not kid ourselves.

During my reflections, I’ve identified a cycle of unhealthy relationships. Its why I’ve avoided intimacy with all I am. It’s hard for me to feel that, for when it goes bad I fall apart and once again. I’ve forgotten love. I’ve forgotten lust almost too. And I’ve been away for too long, a self made prisoner in my panic room, secure and safe with my DVDs, Video Games and marijuana. But enough is enough and it’s time for a change. There isn’t plenty of fish in the sea, because I want something that’s almost unattainable. But I can’t settle for anything less. I’m not going to waste a moment on people who don’t deserve it anymore. I like a girl (who knew?) and its mostly a crush. Even though I know it won’t work it’s just nice to be reminded of the nice feelings and hope perhaps for a much deserved episode of manic joy. I’ve been down for so long and it’s been killing me.

It’d be nice to have something go my way for once. I’d love to remember what it feels like to be loved. To be needed. To be appreciated. It’d be nice to know that people believe in me, not because they have to or through an obligation. I have far too many people in my life that are happy to have my friendship and support only to disappear whenever I need them. I’m a great person, and a caring sensitive friend and I deserve better. A real friend doesn’t need to schedule time, or hide my existence from jealous insecure boyfriends, or knock on my window at 3am when they’re drunk and horny and had no luck with whom they really want.

I deserve to come first. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

I’ve been through too much to give up, even though suicidal tendencies tend to come natural to me. I’ve gone through an abusive childhood, broken hearts, suicide attempts, drug, sex and alcohol addictions, rejection and had my hopes and dreams torn apart. And I’m still ticking. I haven’t killed myself or anyone else. I’m not my father. I know my limits, and I maintain that necessary control for my own sake, and for those around me. It’s for the best, especially since my natural instincts are to delve into things in excess and hide from these horrible feelings I live with every single day of my life.

I have bottled up my feelings for far too long. My tears need to be set free. It’s the only way I can let go and perhaps even grow as a man. I’m not afraid of the emotions, more frustrated. I’d love to be able to feel things like “normal” people do. But the fact that I feel things so strongly is one of my biggest strengths. Of course it’s a massive weakness too. But it is what it is, and I cannot change that.

That’s the point of everything, that I cannot change. It’s about coming to terms with myself and finding my place in the world. Everything else will fall into place after that, I know it.

Wish me luck.

Till next time…

PS: I’m frightened this is all mania. Buy it doesn’t feel like it. Its a mellow form of understanding. I know its only a matter of time until things turn dark again. But if it’s a spark of brightness before the inevitable fall into the dark again then I’m going to enjoy the quiet while it lasts. It’s bound to happen, let’s be honest.

But I hope more than everything that this is just the beginning of something better.

And a big thank you to those who remind me I’m not alone. My words pale in comparison to how much I love you. And when things go dark, I’ll have to remember to reach out. And if I can’t or don’t. Kick my ass and dig me out. 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Unrefined Bipolar Musings

Hey all,

******pre rant warning******
My moods have been especially erratic and brooding and dark these past few days. It’s times like this that I miss the meds and the placebo effect they have. (It’s funny how the mind plays tricks)
I’m just falling again. Desire to change everything and nothing is rampant and impossible. My mind is racing and incoherent. You have been warned. Do not expect things to follow any kind of plan. Yay bipolar crazy mood swings!
******end rant******

Have you ever wanted something you know you really can’t have?

And when that realization finally hits you in the face like a Mike Tyson right cross with barbed wire boxing gloves, do you have the strength to follow through and walk away? Does it make you pathetic if you still cannot walk away? Does it mean that this feeling is all I deserve to know, due to my unwillingness to take that first step?

I’ll confess to you why I cannot do it. Or if I give up on it, then it might as well have never been. Then what does that make me? And all the amazing feelings I never imagined I could feel, and how they made me feel not quite so broken… If I give up on all that, then I’m choosing to forget all those wonderful things. I’m afraid. That if I give up, then I might forget how it feels. To belong. To be happy or even remotely content.

I’ll tell you, it’s so much easier to give someone else objective advice than to follow what I know I should do, mostly for my own sake.

Brings back memories of awkward conversations at parties, with people whom I have no idea how to really interact. You see, I’ve always been strange in social circumstances. At least sober.

I’m not a really “cliquish” type of person, There’s usually one person that I gravitate to, who I feel I relate to the most, and kind of stick to throughout the whole thing.

Herein lies the problem. I tend to think I’m a boring person to know. I know I’ve lived a bunch and have plenty of “stories” to tell, but I really just want to just talk.

I can’t stand it, I feel like my brain is racing and I’m burning out. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing a piece. It’s a horrible feeling, to feel alone in the world. It’s something I can’t quite describe. I can find the words just fine, but it just doesn’t do it justice.

I want to be someone else. But I know that’s impossible…

I want to turn off that clingy part of me, the part of me that allows something like genuine affection to creep in and ruin my fucking life. But I know that’s impossible… I want to be normal. To feel normal.

I want to be carefree. I want to be able to wake up every morning and not hate the fact that I wake up and nothing is different. It’s no way to live, feeling nothing but regret from the moment you open your eyes. I hate feeling that I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I hate feeling that I’m whining and that it’s a burden to share my feelings with people. I hate that just when things start improving and I start feeling a little better, moods like this kick my face in. It’s like my brain is conspiring against me. It makes me feel that I’ll never be happy. Seriously, How can I be, when my body is out to fuck with me? I can’t take it easy, not deep down anyways. Not without marijuana.

I hate my envious, obsessive nature. I hate that I can’t ever have something simple that’s mine. I hate that even now, I have to wear a mask to “blend in” with everyone else. I can only think of a few ways to make all this go away. But I care too much. And I’m not going to hurt anyone else. Im fine with self harm, but I refuse to take this out on anyone else. No one deserves to see this side of me, nor would they want to.

Hell if I hate it, so how can anyone (friends/girlfriends/family) care enough to listen?

You know when you’re upset and when someone asks you what’s wrong, you reply “nothing it’s okay” or something similar. And they let it go. And all you wanted was someone to care enough to push you to talk about it? That’s how I feel all the time.

I know I’m not good at hiding my feelings. I know I’m pretty easy to read when I lower my guard or the feelings are especially strong. So does it mean I’m not worth it?… or does the stigma of mental health scare people away? It feels like people don’t really want to know how I’m doing… They just want me to smile and say “Good Thanks”

I’ll tell you what I hate especially… That the only way I can share all this is to write it in a fucking blog.

Till next time…

Ps: I know I shouldn’t post this. But it’ll be a nice reminder for me. And something else to be embarrassed about. 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