Cancer, Loss and Staying Positive.

Hey all,

I suppose I should start by elaborating on my last post. Dad has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. At the moment its aggressive and still small, but when I hear the word cancer, I can’t help but assume the worst. Everyone I have ever known personally who has gotten cancer has died. So how am I supposed to think good things will happen out of it? Continue reading

Hurting…

Dad’s got cancer.
I’m not handing it at all.
It was so much easier being angry at him, but now I’m just worried. I love the old fart, no matter how much he’s hurt me.

It’s the one thing i struggle with more than most. I don’t handle loss well at all…

I should write more, but it’s all far too complicated right now.

Talk later…

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Transitions…

*Disclaimer* This post is fairly ambiguous. It’s not referring to anything in particular, more everything as a whole.

Hey all…

I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. Not in a game changing¬† way or anything like that, but I’m moving on. From situations and people, things that hold me back from my potential. From devotion not returned, from those whose sole job in life is to try to hold me back and bring me down. Feelings wise, nothing has changed but I’m getting on with my life and enjoying every moment of this life. You only have one life to live and I’ve come to realise that I’ve been waiting and waiting for my opportunity. Waiting for the right person to choose me. I refuse to wait, I refuse to take no for an answer. I refuse to keep myself on a leash and wishing beyond hope that I would be “good enough”

Well I am good enough damn it. I’ve been clinging so tightly to a feeling, because it made me feel alive. I hang and wait and hope that things will be different. That the life I’ve envisioned so many times will come true, that I will at last be content.

Fuck waiting. I am a great person and I deserve some decent karma for a change. So I’m taking this shit by the horns and I’m going to get what I want from life, or I’ll die trying. I’ve been looking ahead far too much. I have to concentrate on the here and now. I’m getting myself out there. Gonna start dating again, gonna keep writing. Always believing in myself. I’m funny, smart and caring. I’m worthy of happiness. I deserve success. I want a life filled with passion, inspiration and creativity. And I’m not going to settle for anything less. No more waiting… for love, for success, for contentment. I’m transitioning to something different from this. I guess I’m just sick and tired of waiting for my turn. For someone to choose me. If you didn’t choose me first, why the fuck should I accept you when you come crawling back? I am no ones backup plan, actually… I refuse to be. If you wanted me, you should have taken your chance. Now sadly that ship appears to have sailed.

I know you can’t, so I’m doing it for you. I’m moving on. I refuse to be anyones backup plan. I don’t know if it’s what you wanted, but I’m deciding to move on. I can’t and WONT wait for anyone. Not anymore.

It just takes desire and a will to act… If you want something enough, you should just take it. No one ever found happiness sitting on their hands and waiting for an opportunity.

So I’m moving on… no more looking back… No more waiting.

My time is now. The world is my oyster.

PS: My ambitions for the future.

1) I want to write an episode of Doctor Who.
2) I want to write a feature film
3) I want to finish my manifesto
4) Fill my life with passion and inspiration.

I don’t want to be rich. I find that poverty makes me more desperate, more determined. I wouldn’t mind being comfortable, just not too comfortable. I’m far too unmotivated unless life pushes me in the right direction. It’s just how I am. I am a great person, a great friend and I will find my place in this world at long last.

The glass is half full, and Monty Python said it best after all….

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I am…

I am me.
I am not perfect.
I am passionate.
I am confused.
I am broken and whole.
I need you more than I can ever say.
I am confident and scared and terrified.
I am loving and caring.
I am thoughtful and hopeful.
I am sick and tired.
I am shy and friendly.
I am careful and careless.
I am misunderstood, misguided and mislead.
I am hard working and determined.
I am a little scared on the inside.
I wish on stars and dream my dreams.
I pray to god and I cry my tears.
I smile on the outside, while I’m dying on the inside.
I listen to others who don’t listen to me.
I walk on eggshells and I walk on fire.
I believe in passion.
I believe in true love.
I love you and I push you away.
I want you but not so close for I won’t be able to let you go.
I am everything and nothing all at once.
I am mor than the sum of my parts.
I am me… and that IS enough.
I cry…
I smile…
I laugh..
I hurt…
I get angry…
I get sad..
I get frustrated..
I am me..
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Feelings

Hey all,

So today’s post is about feelings. Damn they’re complicated. There are times where I’d love to be able to flick a switch and turn them off. Part of being bipolar is the swings of moods, but it’s the intensity that I struggle with the most.

I’ve learned to handle the darkness in me and I know I can ride it out and tomorrow is another day, so things like suicidal thoughts and misery are just a part of life.

I’ve been in a dark place many times in my lifetime. I’ve been on the brink of death more times than I care to say, but it’s my hope and the love I have for those who matter to me that keeps me going. Hope that I can make something of my life, and feel that I can prove myself worthy to love.

But it’s the good feelings like love that are most difficult to handle. It doesn’t happen very often to me, in fact only twice ever. Lust is easy. It’s just my body playing a trick through hormones. I can handle lust. It’s just that I can’t share myself with anyone. It would be a lot easier if I could.

I try and see it as a blessing, which it really is. In fact, it’s a miracle really. I just wish that following the calling of my heart and those troublesome feelings wasn’t so painful. It’s a weird thing to say because I have never felt more “human” than I have since it all dawned on me. My muse has her claws in me, and I’m a willing prisoner to it. But the issue is with the realistic side of things. What if it’s not meant to be? I don’t believe in fate, for the idea that I’m not in control of my own life is terrifying to me. How am i supposed to believe that the “powers that be” have destined that this is the path I’m supposed to take?

I’ve been stuck with pesky feelings for so long now, and I’ve always had to hold a part of me back in fear of it. But I don’t want to hold back, and I cant pretend that it’s not real, and that I am always going to feel this way. But how can I move on if that’s what I have to do? I don’t really want to in all honesty. It’s the most amazing thing, to love someone. To open your heart to make room for that special someone. To feel empty inside because they are not by your side. So all I have are my writing and my fantasies. I’ve written so much since all this came into my life. It’s a blessing and also a curse.

But I feel stronger in knowing I am capable of feelings things on such an intense, deep level. Perhaps all the mindless hope wasn’t for nothing. It kills me, yet keeps me alive.

I’m going to be true to how I feel. I’m not going to pretend I can live any other way. I’d just be in denial even if I tried. I think I’ll just embrace it and celebrate it. It’s magical. To share something so special with someone. It’s better than not knowing if it was even possible. Because thanks to “her” I know, without a moment of doubt, that it is.

While it far from an ideal situation, it sure beats being empty. Even if it would be easier that way.

The tricky thing about feelings is that we all have them. We cannot turn them off, and were only kidding ourselves if we run away from them. True feelings, cannot be denied. They should be celebrated for the miracle that it is. How often can any of us say that we can share ourselves completely with anyone?

I love life, and she helped me find that.

So I’m just gonna dive in. It’s the only way I know. And it’s worth the risk. I’m gonna ignore the fear and self doubt. I stand on a precipice.

Wish me luck.

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