Feelings

Hey all,

So today’s post is about feelings. Damn they’re complicated. There are times where I’d love to be able to flick a switch and turn them off. Part of being bipolar is the swings of moods, but it’s the intensity that I struggle with the most.

I’ve learned to handle the darkness in me and I know I can ride it out and tomorrow is another day, so things like suicidal thoughts and misery are just a part of life.

I’ve been in a dark place many times in my lifetime. I’ve been on the brink of death more times than I care to say, but it’s my hope and the love I have for those who matter to me that keeps me going. Hope that I can make something of my life, and feel that I can prove myself worthy to love.

But it’s the good feelings like love that are most difficult to handle. It doesn’t happen very often to me, in fact only twice ever. Lust is easy. It’s just my body playing a trick through hormones. I can handle lust. It’s just that I can’t share myself with anyone. It would be a lot easier if I could.

I try and see it as a blessing, which it really is. In fact, it’s a miracle really. I just wish that following the calling of my heart and those troublesome feelings wasn’t so painful. It’s a weird thing to say because I have never felt more “human” than I have since it all dawned on me. My muse has her claws in me, and I’m a willing prisoner to it. But the issue is with the realistic side of things. What if it’s not meant to be? I don’t believe in fate, for the idea that I’m not in control of my own life is terrifying to me. How am i supposed to believe that the “powers that be” have destined that this is the path I’m supposed to take?

I’ve been stuck with pesky feelings for so long now, and I’ve always had to hold a part of me back in fear of it. But I don’t want to hold back, and I cant pretend that it’s not real, and that I am always going to feel this way. But how can I move on if that’s what I have to do? I don’t really want to in all honesty. It’s the most amazing thing, to love someone. To open your heart to make room for that special someone. To feel empty inside because they are not by your side. So all I have are my writing and my fantasies. I’ve written so much since all this came into my life. It’s a blessing and also a curse.

But I feel stronger in knowing I am capable of feelings things on such an intense, deep level. Perhaps all the mindless hope wasn’t for nothing. It kills me, yet keeps me alive.

I’m going to be true to how I feel. I’m not going to pretend I can live any other way. I’d just be in denial even if I tried. I think I’ll just embrace it and celebrate it. It’s magical. To share something so special with someone. It’s better than not knowing if it was even possible. Because thanks to “her” I know, without a moment of doubt, that it is.

While it far from an ideal situation, it sure beats being empty. Even if it would be easier that way.

The tricky thing about feelings is that we all have them. We cannot turn them off, and were only kidding ourselves if we run away from them. True feelings, cannot be denied. They should be celebrated for the miracle that it is. How often can any of us say that we can share ourselves completely with anyone?

I love life, and she helped me find that.

So I’m just gonna dive in. It’s the only way I know. And it’s worth the risk. I’m gonna ignore the fear and self doubt. I stand on a precipice.

Wish me luck.

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