Hey all,
I suppose I should start by elaborating on my last post. Dad has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. At the moment its aggressive and still small, but when I hear the word cancer, I can’t help but assume the worst. Everyone I have ever known personally who has gotten cancer has died. So how am I supposed to think good things will happen out of it?
I’ve written at length about my experiences growing up with my father and his effect on my self-esteem and confidence. But at the end of the day, he’s my father and I love him. It was strange at first, because I was so used to just being angry and resentful towards him. He was the one person who I wanted to love me when I was younger, and now all I feel is concern. He might not have been the best father, or even a good father, but he’s my dad and I love him. Can’t help it. Recent events have proven it to me. No matter how much I hate how selfish he is, he’s my dad and I love him. Unconditionally. It would be easier if I could tell him to fuck off, but what can I do? He’s my dad.
Ever since I found out, I’ve just felt different. I’ve been pushing away the people who I want most to be there, if anything because they can’t and knowing that hurts. Does that make me a bad person? I push people away because it’s easier than to allow them to let me down. I know I shouldn’t and I already regret it. I wish I could take it back. Perhaps I should try, but that is another reason why I am afraid. Now more than ever, I need people. But how can I just ignore how I feel? How can I deny that things hurt in ways I never thought was possible?
The fact is, that I cannot. I can’t ignore how I feel. I can’t pretend that everyday doesn’t bring new forms of hurt. I just wish I could turn it off. I stopped drinking and tried to pull myself together, but I almost don’t see the point. Why shouldn’t I do what I need to just to survive? I can’t be strong when every part of me wants to run away. I can’t be strong when I almost don’t see the point in it.
I think the only enjoyable part of my life is school and I’m struggling to keep up the motivation. Being positive keeps me moving forward, but whats the fucking point? I have all this unresolved feelings, anger and more anger. Throw in confusion and loss. Add a sprinkle of dissociative loneliness and that’s pretty much what I am to a tea.
I suppose what I’m trying to work out, is what I’m going to do when I don’t have those I love around me anymore. Right now, I dont see anyway I can survive this. I don’t know if I can sit there and watch my dad fade away like everyone else I’ve seen go through cancer. I know I have to, I can’t let him go through this alone. But I really wish I didn’t have to do that. I’m tired of staying strong for everyone else. It’s never made me happy, and it even makes me feel a little resentful. What about me and how I feel?
So yeah. It’s all a mess. An incoherent hot mess. It’s horrible and I’d never wish it on anyone. Things can only get worse from here. Sorry to shed the positivity, but at the moment, I hate the world for giving me another reason to hate it. I just wanted a bright spark of happiness, but it seems that even that is going to elude me. I pushed away the people who I need the most, and I am filled with doubts and regret. I just wish she was here right now. But I know that too is denial. I want to stop living in the past, stop thinking about what I’ve lost and what I dared to want for myself…
Staying strong isn’t as easy as it always was. Death is something I’d take for myself before I would have it affect someone else. I know it’s selfish, but it’s how I feel. If you don’t like that, deal with it. Or even better, be one of those few who helps me find my positivity. At the moment, I’m just tired of feeling. It’s the one thing I cannot turn off, and so I must fall back into old habits. It’s a survival instinct. It’s a genetic imperative actually.
So I guess I’ll just wait to see where all this takes me. But excuse me for not having any hope. It’s something that I just can’t do right now.
Forgive me.
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One Day At A Time 