The Road to Forgiveness

Hey all,

I’ve not always been the person I wanted to be. I’ve more often than not been selfish in my pursuit of happiness, and all the wreckage I’ve left in my wake was collateral damage. But it’s always sat like a heavy weight upon my soul. As much as I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t care, I really really do. I’m not who I wanted to be, and in a way what I want isn’t a realistic goal. So I have to find a middle ground, if I can.

I used to see Bipolar as a burden. But in reality I love it. I even find a sick pleasure in the depressing lows, if anything because of the stark contrast to happiness, and when I have those rare moments in which I feel happy, it makes all the pain worth it.. It’s who I am. I can’t deny that.

I feel I’ve come along far enough that I can admit that.. to you and mostly to myself. You see, the problem is me. I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough. I’ve entered into relationships that I shouldnt have. I’ve stayed with people for long periods of time when I was miserable the whole time. I’ve loved from afar and taken out those feelings on people who really didn’t deserve a mess like me. I’ve always felt so guilty about it. It’s just another brick being paved into my walls, to keep others safely away from me. And mostly to protect myself from them.

I dont expect any of you to understand how this feels. Just know that if I ever hurt you, it was never what I wanted.

When I started this post, I wanted to list all the people I’ve felt I wronged but now I see there is almost no point. They won’t ever see this and I feel it may be my penance, to live with the guilt. But know that I never set out to hurt anyone. I’m just trying to live as best I can.

I know now where it all went wrong. I know it’s my fault. I should have manned up and taken the initiative instead of living a lie.

I’m trying my best to be a better person. I’m trying so hard to make you proud of me. But mostly I’m trying to find a way to forgive myself and love who I really am. Then maybe I’ll be able to let someone else do the same, and really feel I can share who I am. I’m tired of hiding. Tired of being a prisoner of my own insecurity, doubts and fears. I hate where my life has taken me. I’m a loser. I’m broke and feel fairly worthless most of the time. But it was wrong of me to place the responsibility for digging me out on others. It was all destined to fail from the very beginning, but I guess at the time, I knew that but wanted even a little joy before I sink back into my usual routine of self loathing and shame.

It’s not an easy road I’m on, but I know I can do it. I can do anything.

I just have to believe. But that’s proving to be the hardest lesson of all. I hope you all know that I love you and I’m trying to be a better person. I want to prove to the universe that I can do great things and I deserve some form of happiness.

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