Things I am most afraid of…

Wow I know what you’re thinking. Two posts in a single day?

Well, sorry in advance for the overload, both of your respective feeds and also your brains. But I just finished reading a blog over at http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com/ and it inspired me.

It really got me thinking. What exactly do I want to do with this blog? To be perfectly honest, it started because I needed somewhere to vent. I’ve been holding on to all this pain for so long and I just had to find an outlet that was healthier that sex, drugs and alcohol. Before, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I didn’t care. All I cared about was feeling different.

But now I want better for myself. I want to be able to have a resemblance of a normal life. I want a healthy relationship full of passion, communication and understanding.

So I’m going to try to educate people, and hope that I can make a difference. Even if I reach one person, it will all be worth it…

So yeah on to business.

Today has been all about transition and change. I cannot change until I own up to my mistakes, my fears, my insecurities. I’ve been holding all this inside of me forever, feeling alone and unable to share anything with anyone for fear of rejection. Well I just decided fuck it! I’m gonna get it out there, and if I let you down or I hurt you, well I’m sorry. But I have to do what I have to do.

Things I am afraid of.

  • Disappointing You. I have a deep fear that no matter how hard I try, that I’m always going to be a disappointment. It is this fear that makes me not want to try. It all ties into my next fear, which is possibly the biggest fear of all that I have. I’m scared I’ll always be a broke unemployed loser. How could anyone like someone like that?
  • Losing everyone I love. I am afraid of this all the time. It’s part of why wearing a mask was such a necessity. It makes me afraid to show who I really am with people, because once they know im a mess and a screwup, they will leave. I fear my friends talking about me behind my back and being nice to my face. Sometimes, when im at my weakest, I will bombard friends with texts and phone calls looking for reassurance. No one deserves that.
  • Dying. It’s funny, I often struggle with suicidal thoughts. But I really don’t want to die. It’s just that hurting all the time, and feeling so alone make it hard to cope on my own.
  • Crowds. Most of the time it’s tolerable. But get me in a room with no windows or an elevator with 5 or more people and on come the anxiety attacks. It made things I used to enjoy like concerts and other social functions almost impossible. Not without Drugs and Alcohol. I hate the thought that assholes who don’t even know me are sitting in judgement. But being judged by people you do know is much, much worse.
  • Losing all the creativity this gives me. What if by some miracle, they cure everything I have. What if I cannot write anymore? If I can’t write from my soul anymore, than who will I be then? Writing and creativity are my EVERYTHING. I love to create more than anything. It’s better than sex, better than food.
  • Humiliation and Rejection. It makes asking a girl on a date almost impossible. Honestly, I havent done it for years now. I get asked, and usually by girls who just aint right for me. But I can’t handle being rejected. Or being defined in a pure “friend zone” I live in fear that I will say or do something that makes me look like an idiot. I act like I don’t give a fuck, but really I do. More than I can ever admit.
  • Never falling in love. It’s only ever happened once. And I’m 32. I find certain people intriguing, but it never lasts. I find once I get closer, it’s either me or them that wants to go. No one ever makes me feel much beyond either lust or affection. Except her. I want it all. It’s hard being an all or nothing guy.
  • Losing my cool. I have a temper. It can border on aggression, but I have never laid a hand on a girl. but my god have I wanted to before and I’m ashamed to admit that. But really I’d rather harm myself than another person. I am not my father, and I never ever will be.
  • The Future. I honestly don’t think I’ll die of old age. In fact, I don’t really want to. The future scares me, what if I’m always going to be a failure? I hate feeling like I’m a loser. I hate feeling that I’m always going to live a cycle of freak outs and panic attacks. That I’m going to be a friendless old man. That I wont be able to make it to the bathroom. I’m scared that I’m always going to feel like this. Where I once saw the future as an opportunity for something different, something better, it’s now something I look at with fear. I still find the spark of hope lingers on…
  • The next big freak out might be the last. What if I do something dumb? What if something snaps in my brain and I go from feeling cracked to be broken? What if I scare away everyone who means a damn to me. I don’t want to be that guy.
  • Being misunderstood. When I dare show a glimpse in public, I’m terrified that people will think I’m a freak. I’m not a bad person to know, and I’m a great listener. In fact, I’d rather listen than talk about myself. I’ve maintained relationships for long periods of time based on that one principle. But I know it’s important that I can talk about things.
  • relapsing, regressing. I’m scared to stand alone. Scared of being happy, without the self-abuse and harm, without the rampant promiscuity or extreme impulsiveness.
  • Not being able to free myself from the past. I have so many regrets. I’ve done so many things I am ashamed of. And the guilt is my penance, my just deserts.

So yeah, I know for a fact that I haven’t even touched the surface of what I really want to say. I really should plan all these things out. But planning has never really been my thing. That’s what editing later on does.

Til next time…

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2 thoughts on “Things I am most afraid of…

    • It’s awesome because most people who suffer from a mental illness, often feel like they alone. So it’s nice to know I’m not the only. Perhaps in time, there can be a WordPress community of sorts for people with issues like ours. As a means of support, as well just a friendly, understanding ear.

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