Work in Progress…

Hey all,

Todays post is about change, I’m talking real sustainable change. To make both my quality of life and the whole package better. I’m not just trying to improve myself mentally, but also physically. While I’m not really overweight or anything like that, I just think I could definitely improve in certain regards.

The way I see it, once I find a place within myself where I’m actually happy with who and what I am, then the rest will only take care of itself. It sounds like a great idea in theory, so I’m just gonna run with it.

Here are a few items in my “To Do List” If anyone says it’s a bucket list, I’m going to stab you in the jaw with a knife. haha

1) Sort out the emotional stuff
Accepting and moving past the things in my life, especially the past, that I cannot change. I am stronger than I believe. I deserve better and I know I can do it. It’s just I have to learn to be patient. It’s like my shrink says “We’re breaking life long habits here, it won’t happen overnight.” And she’s right. So therapy and perhaps some medication might be the answer. All I know is being able to talk about everything is awesome. I used to have such a limited outlet for such endeavours. In a way I still do. I’d love to one day be able to share all of it with someone who’s not a therapist, but I’ll just keep my fingers crossed.
2) Get in shape, I’m talking actual physical fitness.

I’ve already started a routine of cardio and weightlifting. It’s already done wonders for me, both in how I look, but most important, how I feel about myself. I’m finally starting to believe that I can really do it.
3) Quit smoking.
I’ve really just had enough of it. I still enjoy them, but it’s making me unhealthy and more important broke as fuck. No wonder I have problems liking who I am, when I’m flat broke all the time. How can anyone live when they can’t afford to have a life?
4) No more drugs.
Another of my convenient vices. Another form of escapism. I enjoy drugs far too much, that it even makes me feel uncomfortable. I’d aiming to reach a place within myself that I am comfortable with who I am and what has happened to me. It will just take time.
5) No more alcohol.
I’m pretty much there already, but I still have to fight my urge to Self Destruct. It’s really just a denial thing. I know that. I like to be in control of my facilities. That way I can communicate my feelings in a controlled manner, which is better for everyone involved. Drunk emotions are especially worse when you feel emotions like I do. So it’s best for everyone involved. Trust me.
6) Achieve real change and find a form of independence.
Getting a real job. Tired of bouncing around feeling like I no longer have a purpose. I used to find value in my life through the relationship I’m in and how much money I make. Sadly I don’t have either to prop me up anymore. There is only me. It’s very confronting. But in a way, it’s something that I really needed to do. I don’t confront anything, I just put it off as always. So now I’m forced to confront myself and make some real progress.
7) Be an excellent friend to all those whom I love.
It’s my friends that make things worthwhile… Until I reach a point where I can really value myself, I’ll have to rely on you guys to pick me up whenever I’m feeling down. That way I can maintain and sustain real friendships and reduce the feelings of social awkwardness and loneliness. I know I cannot suffer in silence anymore. I have to let people in. Doing it alone for so long has only done me harm. And I deserve better. And you deserve the best I can be.

So yeah, it’s all a work in progress. I don’t expect miracles. But the fact that I’m actually taking the steps to be happy gives me something I lost. Hope. That tomorrow could be different. That I can be different. That I can be happy and maybe even successful.

Anything is possible, so I’ll just see where this latest leg of the adventure takes me.

I’m excited and a little apprehensive. Can’t change everything overnight after all.

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