I Want You Gone

Well here we are again,
It’s always such a pleasure,
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
Oh, how we laughed and laughed,
Except I wasn’t laughing,
Under the circumstances I’ve been shockingly nice.

You want your freedom take it,
That’s what I’m counting on,
I used to want you dead but,
Now I only want you gone.

She was a lot like you,
(Maybe not quite as heavy),
Now little Caroline is in here too.
One day they woke me up,
So I could live forever,
It’s such a shame the same will never happen to you.

You’ve got your short, sad life left,
That’s what I’m counting on,
I’ll let you get right to it,
Now I only want you gone.

Goodbye, my only friend,
Oh, did you think I meant you?
That would be funny if it weren’t so sad,
Well you have been replaced,
I don’t need anyone now,
When I delete you maybe I’ll stop feeling so bad.

Go make some new disaster,
That’s what I’m counting on,
You’re someone else’s problem,
Now I only want you gone,
Now I only want you gone,
Now I only want you
Gone…

*Lyrics by Jonathon Coulton*

This song sums up a lot for me right now. 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One More Day…

Hey all,

Things have come to a head, and after numerous surgeries and resuscitation, I’ve finally reached a level where I can accept the inevitable. He’s going to pass away, and nothing I say or do will change that. So the big problem I had was… What right have I got to keep him going when he’s obviously ready to leave? I’d love more than anything for a little more time together. I’d only touched the surface of what I wanted to say, but as always it seems like I’ve run out of time. Continue reading

Grief…

Hey all…

I didn’t write this, but I found it and I couldn’t put it any better myself.

I found this on Journey of Hearts.

“Grief comes in unexpected surges…
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.

Oh, Mama, I don’t want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering…
Nothing matters.

I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn’t mind dying.
I wouldn’t mind at all. ”

– Toby Talbert Continue reading

Saying Goodbye

Hey all,

It feels like so much has happened since I last posted. And I don’t want to go on about it, because I’m scared if I start I won’t be able to stop the tears that have been lingering on the edge for the past few weeks.

I had to say goodbye today.

Standing over him as the hospital machines beeped and moved about pumping artificial life into his broken body. I refused to cry in front of him. I didn’t want his last memories of me to be me crying. I want him to remember me as the dorky strange boy he’d known my whole life. I just never had the time to get past my own bullshit, to say what really mattered. Sure things haven’t been ideal between us, but at the end of the day what matters most to me is that I love him. Continue reading