Saying Goodbye

Hey all,

It feels like so much has happened since I last posted. And I don’t want to go on about it, because I’m scared if I start I won’t be able to stop the tears that have been lingering on the edge for the past few weeks.

I had to say goodbye today.

Standing over him as the hospital machines beeped and moved about pumping artificial life into his broken body. I refused to cry in front of him. I didn’t want his last memories of me to be me crying. I want him to remember me as the dorky strange boy he’d known my whole life. I just never had the time to get past my own bullshit, to say what really mattered. Sure things haven’t been ideal between us, but at the end of the day what matters most to me is that I love him.

Found @ http://whitneyseven.wordpress.com

So… the doctors called me in at 3:30am and told me it will probably be my last chance to say goodbye. So I charged in there and made my piece with the past. But then something amazing happened. Not a moment after I whispered in his ear..

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I was so angry at you for so long. I just wanted you to know before the end that I forgive you… I love you, never ever forget that…. Goodbye I will miss you.”

He laid still for a moment and then his eyes fluttered and he opened his eyes for the first time since he went into cardiac arrest for the 10th time in a week… He gently grabbed my arm and he tried to talk. I leaned in close as his voice barely above a whisper said “Not… done… yet…” and he fell back asleep.

Today has been such a massive day for me emotionally. This whole saga has effected everything in my life. My fear of being alone and losing people has risen again in a burst of desperation. I have found myself feeling withdrawn from the people in my life, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just feel so awkward around most people. I’m terrified I’m going to lose my marbles and break down in front of them all. No wonder no one likes me, I’m such a damn mess. I wanna talk about how I’m feeling, to lift it all off my chest. But I’m scared to start talking. I know I have to let it all out, and I know all I need is a good long cry to lift the burden. But how do I start? I find it so hard to talk to people. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues. Sometimes it feels like all I am is issues upon issues. It’s so frustrating.

I want to really be able to believe that better things are bound to happen. But right now all I am is afraid. Afraid to lose everything that ever meant a damn to me. I am afraid to let anyone in. Scared that people might see the real me and be put off. Damn I could use a drink.

But the main lesson I’ve found from this whole ordeal is that people always leave. They move on. They die. But what matters most is that you don’t waste a single moment of your life on people who are not worth it. Don’t let anyone hold you back. Chase your dreams and tell the people you love how much they matter to you. It might be your last chance. Don’t leave anything unsaid. Profess your love for someone if that’s how you feel. It’s much better than holding feelings deep inside for so long that the thought of it seeps into your blood like poison. And the very idea of it hurts so much that you could almost hate them for making you feel so much.

Life is far too short. Live for today, not tomorrow.

And don’t be afraid to say goodbye. It’s better to say goodbye than to leave things unsaid.

Peter Pan was wrong when he said “Don’t say goodbye. because goodbye means your going away and going away means forgetting”

Saying goodbye doesn’t mean forgetting. As long as you love them and remember them, they will never really be gone. Perhaps physically, but as long as we remember them, they’re never truly gone from our hearts, no matter how painful their passing was.

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