Grief…

Hey all…

I didn’t write this, but I found it and I couldn’t put it any better myself.

I found this on Journey of Hearts.

“Grief comes in unexpected surges…
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.

Oh, Mama, I don’t want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering…
Nothing matters.

I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn’t mind dying.
I wouldn’t mind at all. ”

– Toby Talbert

found @ http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/grief1.htm

Things are a mess. I don’t know how to handle everything I’m going through. I don’t think there is a real way I can besides just trying to get through the grief and hope that I can find the strength to soldier on. But to be honest, I don’t see any way I can feel any different right now. I know it’s still very fresh and raw and right now.

found @ http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/grief1.htm

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. 

  1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. – I’m well past this now, I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable.
  2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. – I’m well and truly stuck in this phase. I’m angry at the world, Angry at God and Angry at him for dying, as we’d finally repaired our relationship. I’m not at all ready to let him go, but circumstances have almost made the choice for me. I know I’m being selfish in wanting to keep him around, and I know I wouldn’t want to live plugged into a machine. But how do I say goodbye? How am I even supposed to find the words to say?
  3. Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
    The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…” – I’d give anything just for a few more years.
  4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
    During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. This stage is my domain. I can rarely find a reason to smile anymore. I know my friends try to distract me, but it’s always in my thoughts. I almost resent them for feeling so awkward around me. But who knows the right things to say or how to act when someone loses someone? So I do understand, but at the same time I can’t help but wish I could just get a hug and be allowed to cry. I don’t need someone to fix things, because it can’t be fixed. Just need some support and to know someone actually cares enough to be there for me. The worst thing is feeling so alone right now. It’s a feeling I want to chase away with drugs & alcohol, but I know it wouldn’t help me at all. But honestly, I wish I didn’t have to stay strong, I need to break down. I really just need to cry. I’m just frightened about it. I don’t ever want to forget him, not would I if I even had the choice. I just wish it happened suddenly, as opposed to watching him slowly waste away. He’s in a world between life and death, and the hospital wants me to sign the paperwork to switch him off. And I don’t know if I can…
  5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
    In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
found @ http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/grief1.htm

So yeah, I’m pretty much stuck in Stage 2,3 & 4. If that makes sense. But mostly I’m just angry. And Hurt. I’ve never felt so lonely as I do right now. It’s times like this that I really need my friends, but the problem is that I’m not very close emotionally with them. Only one of them really, and she’s not really an option. It’s a shame, cos I need her now more than I ever have. And I’ve been suicidal before. This is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I know being bipolar makes the emotions more extreme. I know emotions at its core are irrational. I just wish it was easier. But then again, if it was maybe I didn’t care. And it only hurts because I care so damn much. I find it hard to let go as it is, but how can I let go to someone who I love so much? It’s even worse for me, because it’s all on me…

I’d love to hear from some of you, I just need some advice on how to handle all this. Because I’m clueless right now.

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