Restless and Resistant

Hey guys,

Well it’s 1:35am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been laying here in the dark for over an hour now, and sleep just isn’t obliging today. I’ve got so much on my mind, from pondering the decisions I make in relationships, to thinking lustful thoughts. It’s quite amusing being me sometimes.

So where do I start?

Well I recently attempted a fresh start at dating again, mostly to get her out of my mind, but also because we got along so well. And for a short time, things were good. We spoke a lot and had some real fun together. But after a while the reality of the situation dawned on the both of us. I’m simply not wired to survive a long distance relationship, and especially so since it was in it’s early days. So we decided mutually to just call it quits and go back to something resembling a friendship… Without benefits.

It’s occurred to me that I’m far too set in my ways. I like my life and my friends. I like doing what I want, when I want. And really, if anything, I am not suited for a life in the country. Fuck that. It’s nice to visit, but I’d go batshit crazy if I was there 24/7.

Does my unwillingness to compromise make me a bad person? I think sometimes it does, but who else can look after me, but me? And the last time I gave up everything for someone, it blew up in my face and I’m not going down that path anymore.

Perhaps I’m just too picky. Perhaps I’ll never be happy until I find someone who makes me feel a shade of what “she” makes me feel. Perhaps I’ll be on my own forever. Sometimes, I think I’m okay with that. Besides sexual needs, I find my emotional needs to be far more frustrating. And I approach love and relationships with a bit of idealism. I want a best friend who loves me. I want someone to take an interest in all the nerdy shit I’m into and doesn’t feel ashamed when I start quoting Star Wars along with the movie, or my childlike excitement I get everytime I watch Doctor Who. Someone who loves that im basically a big kid, with my love of comics and video games. She doesnt have to like them, but accepts that I do. I want someone whose creative and passionate about things. I want someone I can create things with. A true partner in all things.

In fact, I’m only me, and if they don’t like it, they can keep on stepping.

My short lived “relationship” also unlocked some negatives I thought I’d gotten past. I’ve started drinking again. I’m talking abuse my body type drinking. Sometimes I drink to feel different. Sometimes, just to be able to vent how I really feel. I’m still trying to break ages old programming, in which I was taught to keep all my feelings to myself, and to bottle it all up. So perhaps I’m drinking to help me, but really that’s just a bullshit excuse.

Really, I drink just to not feel this. The emptiness, the loneliness. I feel that no one will ever understand me. That I’m destined to be on my own. And I really don’t want that. I want the thing i’ve always wanted. The one thing I’ve always felt was denied to me. A real, genuine connection. Something not based on sex or how funny I am, but because of who we are, and how we feel.

My raging libido has returned with a vengeance. I’m resisting the urges to get back into the whole “one night stand” thing, but it might do me some good, get my mind off things and release some much needed endorphins. I don’t like sharing myself with someone and not have it mean something at least, but maybe I need to selfish in the short term just to get past the dark places I inhabit at the moment.

I’ve had a few long term relationships in the past, but they worked because I was the one who had to change, I made all the sacrifices and went out of my way to make THEM happy. But I can’t think about what’s best for them. Because I know now that how I feel matters too. And a real relationship is about compromise and being met half way. It’s about commitment and passion and trust.

If anything I’ve learned even more about myself and what matters to me. And it reaffirms my belief in my unwillingness to compromise my values or accept anything less than what is best for me. If that means I’m selfish, then so be it. I’m trying hard to believe I’m worthy of love, and I won’t let anyone feel sorry for me, or to tell me otherwise.

I’m not perfect, in fact I’m a big fuckup. But I am me, and sometimes I need to get drunk and make a fool out of myself and react irrationally, just so can look at it all objectively later and get past things. It’s the bottling up of things that kinda makes nights like last night inevitable.

You see, I got stupidly drunk. Again. And “she” reached out to me to check if I was doing okay. And I went overboard in my typical fashion. I’m not mad at her, and I have no right to be. It’s all about how I’m handling the situation, which I’m not doing all that well. It’s because I’m afraid. Afraid that I will always love her. Afraid that she’ll always be a part of me, and that there will never be room in my heart for someone else. Afraid that no one else will understand me like she does. Afraid that I’ll be pining over her my whole fucking life, and she was never mine to begin with. It makes me feel like such a fucking loser. She’s living proof of so many things about me. That I’m capable of feeling a real intense, passionate love. That a muse really does wonders for my creativity. That another human being can help relive my ails in a way that doesn’t involve an orgasm. That I’m capable of opening up, as the walls I’ve built crumble all around me. That I can be vulnerable. I just wish I wasn’t so damn clingy. It comes from insecurity I know, and a fear that no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough.

I don’t regret a thing. I just wish moving on was easier. Perhaps I need to just indulge my more basic needs. Perhaps I need to start seeing women again. Perhaps I need to just let someone in, and hope for the best.

She’s taught me so much, about myself and the world I’m stuck in. But I cannot change this simple truth…

I’m a dreamer. Always have been. Dreams were always so much better than reality. Sad but true. I can’t change who I am… And to be honest, I don’t think I would if I could.

It’s like what Meatloaf said…

“I would do anything for love… But I won’t do that.”

So there goes my first post back. Hopefully this will be the beginning of something special. Gaining an even bigger understanding of myself and my illnesses. And learning to trust others, and mostly, to not be so damn hard on myself.

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2 thoughts on “Restless and Resistant

  1. it’s such a difficult thing to both protect ourselves from pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the possibility of true partnership and connection… and you are right, love’s compromises should not mean compromising ourselves… much luck in your journey.

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