Friendships, Love, Attachments and The Future.

Hey all,

Well I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking and reflecting on myself and my nature. I’ve been thinking about my friends and those whom I love, and what the effect of having me in their lives must do to them. I’m always so up and down, it must be exhausting. I know it is for me. I don’t know if I’m actually capable of feeling something as profound as love. Not in the typical sense anyway. Like most things, it’s never really based on something long term, because I live my life day to day.

But I’d really love to be able to be someone other people can rely upon. Someone who you can look upon and know that I’m great how I am. But really, I just don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now it’s not. I have all the ambition in the world to be that guy, but the reality of the situation isn’t that simple…  I don’t have a job. I’m a borderline nutcase. I don’t even have any real ambitions for the future.

I just want to be happy ya know? Is that such a bad thing? 

I stayed up really late last night and really put some thought into why I am how I am. And I guess it’s about a few things. Mostly fear. If I invest in something long term, and put some faith and hope into it, then when it blows up in my face I’m left feeling like a failure. I’m not scared to dive in, it’s what I do and more often than not, it’s without thinking. And I often pay for it later on.

You see, I always take the blame. Even when things are not my fault. It’s always because of some flaw in ME that things don’t work out. I find it easier to live in the moment, even though I’d love to have something or someone who I can rely on. I just don’t know if that’s even possible. I struggle every day with myself and my nature. I wish I could be something more. More than anything. I just don’t know how. I’m just not strong enough… I have to admit that.

The worst thing is when I find myself attached to something or someone. It’s all I can think about. But it’s not real. It usually never was. It’s usually based on some idea of finding something to help make myself feel like I’m more complete, like I’m a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing a dozen pieces. But it’s more about impulse, and wanting to feel something different than THIS.

I’m sorry I complicate things. I know I can be hard to understand, and I make things difficult. It’s only because I care. And while it would be easier for everyone involved if I didn’t have such feelings, I can’t and won’t take them back. Because it reminded me that I’m at least capable of feeling something like that. Because for the longest time, I never believed I could. So I won’t take any of it back, even though it always hurts…

I’ve never spent the night with someone I love. I’ve never really had trouble gaining interest, but it’s usually superficial. All the great qualities in my are outweighed by the flaws in me. I’m clingy, erratic, insecure, impulsive, irresponsible and a little obsessed with sex. And I don’t know if I’m designed for happiness.

Look, this isn’t me feeling all sorry for myself. It’s about accepting a potential truth. I am how I am. I just don’t think that other people were meant to get me. If you know what I mean. While I’m by no means a bad person, I’m not exactly someone you could be proud of or put some stock into. I’m just all over the place. And I’d love some stability. I’ve been on my own for so long that I don’t know if I can. Part of me is comfortable like this. Comfort equals safety. But I’ve always yearned for something more. But I don’t dare to dream that such a thing is possible for me.

While I am a thousand times better than how I used to be, and I understand myself now in ways I never believed I could, I am still a child. And I understand why you cannot rely on me, or put your faith in me. I’d say sorry, but really I’ve done nothing wrong. I live day-to-day because the idea of a future is alien to me. If I look ahead then only disappointment awaits. I’m tired of feeling like a gigantic fuck up. I’m 32 years old, and I don’t have anything to show for all the years I’ve lived so far, besides dumb shit like a TV and video games and lots of DVD’s. It’s all just stuff in the end. I’m unemployed. I rarely leave the house. I’m lazy. I don’t eat well and I’m a struggling addict. I love sex, drugs and alcohol far too much, but I have avoided them as much as I can. I guess I’ve always wanted more.

I want a house, a wife, a family of my own, a life I can look back on when I die and think, “Wow Adam, you’ve done really good. But how can I achieve such things when I’m so messed up? How can anyone share themselves and allow me to share myself when I’m so guarded and so many things about me are so misunderstood?

It makes sense to me, why casual relationships have always been the norm for me. It’s so much easier to enjoy a night of passion with someone than it is to be around long-term. I’ve had a lot for people come and go. Sometimes it feels like it’s meant to be, that it’s a part of life that people move on. But I still take it as a rejection of sorts. But I don’t blame them. How can I? I’m no role model. I’m not even responsible. Far too impulsive, far too erratic. I understand why all the things I’ve craved my whole life, basically love and true acceptance, will always elude me.

Because I can’t change how I am. And I’ve tried so many times over the years. You could say for all the wrong reasons, but I did try to be something more.

I’ve accepted that. I just don’t know if it will ever be enough for me. And I’m afraid… I think it’s going to kill me. But I still have hope. Tomorrow might just prove to be a better day. Anything is possible, and I gotta keep believing that. To those who matter, and you know who you are, thank you so much for sticking with me. It means more than I could ever say. You all mean the world to me.

Till next time.

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