The Birthday Blog aka Reflections on another year gone by.

Hey all,

Well another year in my life has gone by, and I’m not 33 years old. It’s been a year of significant changes for me. I’ve loved and lost, made some awesome friends, delved deeply my own psyche and more importantly, made some real progress in understanding both myself and my place in the world, and in my recovery from holding onto all the events that made me who I am today. 

In the old days, a birthday was just another reason to get depressed at my lack of progress. You see when I was young, I thought I had it all worked out. I planned to be so much further ahead in life by now. I was supposed to be married with kids by now. I was supposed to feel somewhat successful. But it’s okay that I haven’t achieved those things. I know who I am now, and more importantly what I want, and I couldn’t say that a year ago.

Sure I’m idealistic, but that’s who I am. I could be in an unhappy relationship that was safe more than anything, but what’s the point if you’re heart isn’t in it? I suppose that’s the one truth I’ve come to realize, is that communication is the key, and you should ALWAYS follow your heart no matter what.

Another lesson I’ve learned. You have to learn how to move on. Life’s far too short to hold on to something that isn’t working, or is holding you back. I always tend to idealise people who make me feel I could be a better man. But in truth, I can be a better man, and I don’t need a girl in my life to help me realise that. I’ve finally found that thing I’d always found was lacking. Self respect. There’s nothing wrong with looking back, hell there’s nothing wrong with even having a little bit of regret and wishing that maybe you should have done things a little differently. But the key is to learn from your mistakes. And try not to repeat them in the future. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s what we do with the knowledge we gain from them, that defines us.

Another thing I’ve learned, is to not be so hard on myself. I’ve come to accept that I’m always going to feel emotions in extremes. I cannot change that. In fact, it’s because I feel that makes me stronger, because for so long I was worried I’d never even be capable of feeling anything like that. I am how I am. When I love, I REALLY love, and when I’m sad, I’m REALLY sad. It’s how I’m always going to be. And accepting that was the hardest thing for me, but I’m so much better for it. Having a real strong sense of self, is fantastic. I wouldn’t have believed it was possible to be honest.

I’m by no means perfect, but I’m not so bad either. I deserve all those wonderful things in life, and I know that now. I’m a great friend and I do have a lot going for me, and it’s nice to not be so fixated on all the things I felt were lacking. I’ve nice to be able to look ahead with a sliver of hope, that things might one day be different. Because I know they can be. It’s just finding the patience and self belief that all these things will happen one day, and it’s okay that it’s not happening right this second.

Looking back, it’s been a year of progress. Leaning to love me for me, warts n all. And maybe being able to let others see the real me, not just the sides of me I feel they will be most receptive to. I’m not hiding behind as many masks anymore, even though sometimes necessity dictates that masks are necessary in certain circumstances.

I suppose that the greatest thing I’ve come to realize this year. That I am how I am, and that I’m not a freak. That’s it’s okay that I’m different. The fact that I feel, separates me from the rest of the pack, and that I’m perfectly fine with that. In fact, I prefer it that way.

As for everything else… there’s always next year. Maybe in a year from now, my next birthday post will have some even more profound things to say. Maybe I’ll even be over the moon. Anything is possible. And I’m excited to see where the big adventure takes me next.

Now in closing, I just want to thank everyone who has commented, reached out and shared your stories with me. I used to feel that I was alone in suffering from this sort of mental illness, and it gives me strength to know that I’m not alone in all this, and that there is someone out there who understands. I cannot thank you enough for this. I’m glad that I’m alive and that I can share my story with you all.

Here’s to another year. Here’s to the hopes of happy endings. Both literally and figuratively. Giggity.

You never know… Anything is possible and when you have some love and joy in your heart, the sky truly is the limit.

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