The Beast has Returned…

Hey guys,

Sorry I’ve been neglecting the blog. I’ve just been in a bad place, and I really haven’t felt much like writing. It’s all my own doing of course, being attached to people and feeling unsure of my place in the greater scheme of things. I’ve come to realize how easy it is to believe that change is possible, especially when you’re in a good place. But the real challenge lies in continuing on when the dark clouds roll in.

The exercise has slowed, mostly due to shit weather, but also because my motivation has dropped. It’s easy to go when you have no outside pressure, or any real obligations, but it’s hard for me to keep it up when I’m under stress. And the depression has come back and bit me hard just to remind me that I’ll never be free of it. Not in a way that I’d like nor expect.

I think the key is finding somewhere in the middle. But for me, the problem is that I’ve never been an in the middle kind of guy. It’s pretty much all or nothing. I can’t lie. I wish it wasn’t the case.

I loved being in a great place even if it was only short-term. The journey was always going to be hard, I think. And I was silly to think even for a moment that the worst was behind me.

How exactly can I do it?

I really don’t know. I don’t have anyone I can lean on for support or motivation. Most of my friends are enablers. I can’t always deny the callings of my mind, and especially those of my heart.

So what am I to do? Should I just cut off all the people who enable me, or make me feel something? I have a lot of trouble letting go. Mostly because I don’t often meet anyone who makes me feel anything substantial. I’ve only been in love once. And that’s a slight concern. Does this mean I’m incapable? Or just it takes a special person for me to build an attachment to?

What frustrates me is that I always want things/people I can’t have. And it always hurts me in the end. I don’t want things like distance  to matter. I don’t want outside circumstances to dictate my feelings, but in reality it does. I’m always left wondering what’s wrong with me, or what I did wrong. Am I such a bad person to feel the way I do? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel this way again. Because it just hurts.

But then again, I can’t run from it either, because the fact I can feel like I do does define me to an extent.

So.. you tell me. Do I just give up, and push them away? Or just let go? Letting go has never been a strong suit of mine. In fact, I don’t let go. I can’t. Once the hooks are in, I’m pretty much screwed. It takes a long time for the hooks to sink in mind you, so it’s not like it just happens instantly. They definitely have earned my affections.

So yeah, I’ve also done a vlog recently covering something similar to this. I was a bit emotional, so if you choose to check it out (which I would appreciate) be warned.

Thanks again for being a part of my journey. You all help me feel like I’m not so alone in the world, and because of you I feel that some people do understand. I can never repay this. But I will always appreciate it.

Love you all.

– Adam

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