Change, Intimacy, Hope

Hey guys,

Well things have been very interesting in my life as of late. I’ve been reconnecting with old acquaintances, repairing bridges I thought I’d long since burned down, and rediscovering the old feelings do in fact stay intact. With every new day comes a new realisation about myself. What I already knew, is altered every single day.

To explain, it’s something I’ve always struggled with, is finding other people with whom I have something in common, or someone who understands how it feels to be me, and what I have to go through every single day of my life. I realized a long time ago, that nothing will change, in terms of the mental health stuff. But this is where hope plays such an important role in helping me keep my own head above water, but also to be the best friend I can be. I refuse to lie just to get you all to like me, or to seem more interesting.

I am me. And I am awesome. And you are too!

We are all great, and deserve to be loved for exactly who we are, warts and all.

I feel I am capable of so many things, and I refuse to listen to the voices in my head that want me to feel I’m not capable of anything. I’ve had far too many people in my life, who used me as a way to elevate themselves, or were happy for me to self destruct because it was fun for them to see me humiliated.

But the most important thing that I have discovered is that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be lonely. It’s okay to be sad and feel that no one in the whole wide world understands. The thing is, that most people will never understand. We are all different recipes, that make us who we are. For some, it’s more terrible and drastic and for others it’s something minor.

If you’re wise words of wisdom resemble “Just get over it!” then I have no time for you. Let’s see you walk a day in my shoes, and see how easy it is to just get over it. Seriously.. Go fuck yourself. Haha.

I’ve also learned that there will always be people who want to be there for you but have ulterior motives. What I want, and what they want are completely different things. But that’s okay. People are just different, and it’s what I love most about them.

Recently, I went on a date. Sounds crazy I know, and where I thought she wanted to talk and connect in a personal, emotional and philosophical way, but really it was all a prelude to getting me into bed. I wasn’t offended. In fact, in the old days, I would have jumped at such an opportunity.

But the thing is, while I may have hyper-sexuality but I’m going to use that as an excuse to fuck whoever I want, just because I want them. Really, I just want sex to be special. I want it to mean something for a change. I am not a crazed addict who can’t help himself. I am a caring, genuine human being who wants to be more than just a creature running on basic instincts.

It makes me sad when I think about it, but honestly, I haven’t had sex with a girl I’ve been in love with for a long long time. Ten years at least. So I am channelling it now. I want to save myself for someone special. I believe she is out there. In fact, I may have already met her. But I am patient, and I will wait. I want to actually commit to someone, and something that’s bigger than myself.

I have to be patient, even though I really dont want to. I really love to misbehave. It feels so damn good to do something I know is wrong. But the thing is, all the rampant fucking always left me feeling more lonely than I was before the encounter.
So I will wait. I will be strong. I will be loyal, and brave. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and risk it all. Because really, I don’t know any other way to be. And if things don’t work out the way I would like, that’s okay too. It’s not the end of the world.

There are things I try and remind myself everyday. 
I will not drown my sorrows.
Anything that numbs the pain does not take it away. Only time, and understanding can do that.
I will not cut myself to feel alive.
I will surround myself only with people who have positive attitudes, and who want to know the real me.
I will stop chasing girls who are taken. Because it’s safer to want a girl I can’t have, because that’s the point.. I can’t have them, so it’s another way to punish myself for feeling like I do. It’s a form of sadomasochism really. It’s like intentional torture.
Sex doesn’t mean connection. It takes time, and understanding. It takes intimacy, passion, communication and trust.
It is okay to hope. It’s okay to dream. But you have to be realistic too, and that’s the lesson that was hardest for me to learn. I had to fuck up an awful lot to get there.

For me, it’s all about attitude. I try to be positive about everything, because let’s be honest, it is too easy to focus on the negative, to dwell on things that make us sad. And I don’t want to be sad any more, at least as long as I have a choice in the matter at least.

I don’t know if this can make sense to anyone but me, because this is all stream of consciousness type of shit.

But that’s all a part of life, and I know one day someone will get it. Until then, it’s all positive reinforcement, and self belief.

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