Dream a little dream of me?

Hey guys,

Well it’s been an interesting few days in my world. I finally bit the bullet and  told her I liked her. I wouldn’t say it was successful, but nor was it a failure. She didn’t say the dreaded “We’re just friends” line. She didn’t say “FUCK YOU” neither. A friend thinks it’s all a game to her, but it doesn’t feel that way. She’s different. I really believe that. But then again, I have been wrong before. I just can’t help how this feels, nor how she makes me feel.  

I just think I chose a terrible time to lay it all out there. But when exactly is it the right time to tell a gal you really dig them? It’s not that I’m afraid to fail, hell she doesn’t even have to like me in return, but I just had to get it off my chest and since then, it’s all I can think about. I just wish things would work out for me for a change.

I’m especially anxious, and a part of me wishes I’d never said a thing. But I can’t deny that she makes me feel something I’ve never really felt before. She makes me feel special. We have a great friendship, and I want her to be happy more than anything. I want to make her happy for the rest of my life, even if it isn’t with me.

Sometimes I wanna be selfish and think only about my OWN happiness, but I just can’t do it. It’s not very often that I feel a connection with someone, I mean a REAL connection, and honestly, when the hooks dig in then that’s that. I just want to see that wonderful smile again. I just want to risk it all with her, and to face all of the trials and tribulations together.

Now the question is: Is it tragic or wonderful that I’m loyal like that? That once I care for someone, I always care? That I put other people before myself, if only because it makes me feel great to make other people happy and that I don’t expect anything in return? That I’d spend everyday of my life proving myself to that special someone, because she’s special and deserves nothing less than my eternal and limitless devotion.

Sometimes I wish I could turn the emotions down. Sometimes I don’t even know if I know how to love. Sure I’ve felt attachments before, but I’ve never really felt a love that was reciprocated. It’s been a source of some wonderful poetry. It’s been a reason for me to destroy my body with drugs and alcohol. Hell it’s even made me so sad that I wanted to die.

Sure I’ve felt something before, but it wasn’t ever going to be returned. I had to admit that to myself, no matter how many times she told me she loved me. If you love someone you’d be with them right? I think it really is that simple, and everything else is just an excuse not to take the risk. It’s because I’ve spent my entire life loving people who could never love me back that I’ve always felt that I wasn’t worth taking that risk on. Why else would things turn out like they do?

But things feel different now, and I have her to thank for that. She’s sweet, sexy, sassy, sensuous, wise way beyond her years and she just drives me crazy. I’ve never known anyone quite like her. We talk for hours about real things, not just dumb idle chit-chat nor pointless flirting. She cares about my feelings and about me. She doesn’t use me, either emotionally nor sexually to make herself better, and I’d happily let her even though it would kill me on the inside. She understands much more than most people do.. but the scariest thing is that I feel no fear in telling her all my dark secrets. I can’t lie to her.

She makes me feel that I could be more than I could ever imagine, and I’m just me… And that’s okay.

I still wanted to back pedal once I threw my cards down… but it just felt right. It felt good to finally tell her. I’d been holding on to it for over a year after all. And I don’t expect her to like me back. I wish more than anything that she did, but it’s okay if she doesn’t.

All this horrible, terrifying and yet wonderfully exciting emotions has made me think an awful lot about the future, and what I actually want from it. I want a family of my own. I want to get married to the love of my life and finally cast aside the masks I’ve been using to protect myself for most of my life. I want her to be the one to cast down the walls and I want to feel safe with her in my arms. I want us to know each other like no one else. I want to dance like idiots in the lounge room, and not care. I want others to look at what we have and be jealous. I want to be a wonderful father to my children. I want them to look up to me and most of all I want them to know that I love them no matter what they turn out to be. I want it all.

The thing is, with her, I know what kind of man I want to be. And while I don’t think it will work out how I’d like, I would be happy beyond measure if it did. But sometimes I can’t help but feel that things will never quite work out.

My family taught me a number of things. That love is unconditional.

My mother taught me that it’s okay to be different, and that no matter where I go, I know at least one person truly loves me. She showed me Star Wars and awesome books, and really helped make me who I am today. She showed me how strong she really is, and how alike we really are.

My father taught me strength, sacrifice and the pains of not living up to expectation. I love my dad, don’t get me wrong, but I’m going to do things differently when I have children of my own. Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I’d just felt loved and accepted for who I am, instead of living a lifetime of trying to earn the approval of others. I think I can thank my father for that. I still love the prick, even though sometimes I wished I didn’t.

My sister taught me that it’s possible to love no matter how much time passes. That you can not talk for a long time, and then pick up like you’d never had any time apart. We went through war together.

I’ve been scared most of my life. Scared I’ll never be good enough. Scared I’ll never amount to anything. Scared that I’m so broken on the inside that there’s no way anyone could ever see the real me, let alone love a freak like me. But things just feel different now. The fear is still there, but she helps me find the strength to push through it. That there are people who actually understand, and even if she doesn’t love me back, that’s the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me.

So until then, I’ll be where I’ve always been. Right here with my hand open. All you have to do it take it, and I promise things will never be the same. I know it’s silly romantic garbage, but at last I think I believe.

Until next time…

(Soppy lyrics time)

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you’ve figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now
And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing’
Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better than you and your boyfriend

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
And this double life I lead isn’t healthy for me, in fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Well, baby there’s a lot that I miss in case I’m wrong

All I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

If I should be so bold, I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, if it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It’s a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

It might kill me.

This is love. (I’m the skunk trying his best to not be repulsive)
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2 thoughts on “Dream a little dream of me?

  1. Try being nasty and not giving a shit about her. Girls go for “bad boys”… (the good boys are just shoulders to cry on, when the bad boy’s fucked her over… yet again…)

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