Heartache, Hopelessness, Hypocrisy and the Power of Love

I’m sorry in advance for all of this self-indulgent nonsense. I wrote this over the space of a day, whereas earlier in the day, the emotions were still very raw, and later I was able to approach it will less passion. I was gutted all day today. Hearing the story of Olivia Penpraze just got to me. How on earth could people let such a beautiful young girl go like that. She’d be looking for help for so long, and still she left us. I felt a real kinship with her story, and it really made me lose hope.

I cried for a long time as the tragedy sunk in. I feel as a society, we failed her. And her story is not unique. It happens all over the world every single day. And it’s not good enough.

It made me realize a few simple facts.

– People don’t appreciate anything until it’s gone.
– People don’t care until something drastic happens.
– Words can effect people, both positively and negatively.
– People really see whatever the want to see, and hardly anyone looks beyond the surface.
– And sometimes no matter how much you try, most people will never get you.

This also makes  those amazing people who do all the more special. The world needs more compassion, more understanding.

Sometimes I feel my finely crafted veneer is starting to crack. It’s a harsh to admit not just to you, but especially to myself. It’s funny, the things that used to give me the most fulfilment are now only a cruel reminder of how selfish people can be, and how insignificant I really feel at times.

I’m not saying that everyone is selfish, and even I am too. In my own ways of course, I crave acceptance. I like to help others for selfish reasons. It just makes me feel great. Makes me feel that I’m worthwhile. I’ve tried and tried, and in all honestly, I wanna live for me and not for anyone else. But I just don’t know how. It’s a lesson I’ve learned over and over and still nothing ever changes. It’s like I can see the dark clouds rolling in on the horizon, and I forgot to bring an umbrella.

I’m such a fucking hypocrite. What business do I have making videos and blogging about being positive? How can I be a role model to others when I’m the way I am?

The answer is simple really. Because I can. Because I am willing. And because someone has to. Depression and other mental illnesses are a battle often fought in silence, and so many bothers and sisters just disappear into the night. THAT is my purpose.

I’m always afraid… That I’m never going to be anything special. You see, I’ve always felt that way deep down. But I hope that I’m wrong. But right now, I’m not so sure about anything. I know that the darkness will be a part of my life forever. I just don’t know if I can handle that. I know I have a choice. I can fight or I can give up.

And I’ve never been any good at giving up on anything or anyone.

But I’m tired of always being strong for everyone else. It makes me want to resent people, for expecting me to be strong for them, but everyone’s so wrapped up in themselves. I can understand, but it makes me feel that I’m invisible. Doesn’t how I feel matter too? Or maybe the problem is all on me. I don’t like to confide in people. Partially from fear of rejection, and also a bit of trying hard to maintain something to make someone else feel better about themselves. But I cannot deny that making others happy has always made me happier than anything else. It makes me feel worthy of love. But sometimes I feel that the fake smile I wear is fading, and now the world can see me.

And I cannot have that.

So once again, I am afraid of so many things. That I might do something stupid. Because I want to… more than I care to admit. It’s something selfish, and yet something I can’t take back. Sometimes it’s easy to fantasize about an escape. But I realised that my path was never meant to be easy. And that was an especially hard lesson for me to learn.

I’m lonely. I don’t feel drawn to anyone really, and on a rare occasion I find myself catching a feeling, it knocks me about something fierce. There really is no feeling in the universe like it. For it’s strong and oh so true. It’s  the one emotion I don’t doubt. It’s actually nice to believe in something with such clarity. It’s a nice change for me, even as it hurts and yet excites me. But most importantly, it reminded me that I am alive.

Is it foolish to cling on to hope so tightly? Is hope just another delusion? Or am I just impatient to see some real change happen? Is the problem is that other people cannot meet my expectations? Or is the fact that I have expectations the problem? I find it safer to not have any expectations, but when someone gets to me and I really care, it’s hard not to romanticise about something greater than a simple relationship. For anyone to spend their life with me, it would never be something simple. But I am worth it. I try and remind myself everyday of this… even though the darkness tries to remind me that it’s there, to make me weak.. to doubt myself. And I refuse to lose.

I WILL NEVER LOSE… Not to this.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve done, confessing my feelings for another person. Most of the time I regret having exposed myself in such a way, but it’s something that again makes me feel something more than even I am prepared for. I still find it hard to be the calm collected person I like to pretend I can be, when in reality, whenever it comes to any emotion be it love, loss, affection, anger, doubt and the like… And I feel it stronger than most people do. It’s a fact of my life. I had to accept it… and I hope someday that someone else can too.

A friend told me that am I brave for sharing all this. The fact that I am determined to not suffer in silence makes me stronger than most. And it’s nice to hear someone say something so complimentary. I still don’t know how to take compliments…  I just don’t want your fucking pity, or your sympathy. I just want someone who understands that this is how I am, and loves me regardless.

The idea behind all of this (blogs, videos etc) was to show other people that this struggle isn’t something you should go through alone… That other people are the key to surviving but the reality is that it really is a lonesome battle for most of us, and it takes exceptional people to handle something like depression. I suppose a lesson I could learn is to be mindful of who you expose yourself to. Emotionally, physically and all of the above. For when you are vulnerable, then the world can hurt you.

But there is a certain level of bravery that comes from wearing your heart on your sleeve. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying. And it reminded me that I am alive. Being alive is a gift, and I realize this more than most people ever could. I’ve lived on the precipice my whole life. I’ve attempted suicide before, and I still survived. Even now it still lingers as an option in my mind.

But what I realized that if we gave up when things are their darkest, we’d lose any chance to do it all over again.

There would be no more kisses in the rain. Having the chance to gaze into someone’s eyes and say “I love you” and see their eyes light up. To see her wonderful smile, and that feeling I get in my stomach whenever I think about her. How strong she makes me feel, and how for the first time I know what’s real. I know what’s right. And I know what I want.

Now THAT is something worth fighting for, worth suffering for. Even if I don’t get what I want, and as dark as things will get along my journey, it’s love that will always light my way. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

For mine is a life that will be intertwined with darkness. And love can ignite the stars.

And wouldn’t that be something amazing?

Until next time…

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