I Go To Extremes

Hey guys,

Well today I’ve decided to talk about how I feel emotions and by going into detail I hope I can help people understand both myself and others which similar conditions for it’s hard for many of us to feel things like “normal” people can. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to either, it’s just that I’ve learned to accept and even enjoy the craziness that comes from Bipolar and having a somewhat stunted emotional growth. But at the same time, I believe I am more in touch with my emotional side that a lot of people, because if anything I’ve had to learn to be able to anticipate my moods so I can prepare an appropriate coping mechanism.

For a long time the only way I could cope was to self medicate. To have lots of mindless sex, drink, do drugs.. anything to distract me from how I was really feeling almost every moment of my life. This is why I preach so much of the importance of therapy and medication now. Because being different isn’t a bad thing. And needing a little help doesn’t make you weak neither. But the most important first step is deciding you don’t want things to stay embedded in that horribly dark place. You have to WANT to get help. 

Anyway I thought I’d go into how I experience emotional extremes and the measures I used to try to maintain control instead of letting the emotions control me. To be honest sometimes that is the hardest part, because it just feels so damn good to let go and let your emotions dictate your actions. But I’ve done so many stupid things by just giving in. There is a time and a place to surrender after all.

Happiness – Well this one is easy. I actually don’t feel “happy” all that often. Well not as all as often as I’d like to. But when I have moments of joy there is no feeling like it. I honestly believe I feel joy and happiness in ways that not many people can understand. I don’t ever try to fight nor control the positive emotions as such. Although sometimes I do need to tone down my levels of excitement.

Sadness – Now we are all too familiar with the soul crushing feeling that comes from being sad. But for me it’s feels like a blackness that pulls up in my stomach and expands through my bloodstream and infects all of me including my very heard and soul. When I am sad, I find it almost impossible to believe that it is possible for feel anything other than this. Even now I have days where I lay in bed and just cry. I used to be embarrassed of this, but it actually helps a lot crying. It’s cleansing and actually helps make me feel better. I learned to ride it out the sadness, through positive reinforcement and simply not being so hard on myself. I tell myself a simple saying…

“Just because today sucks, doesn’t mean it’s going to suck tomorrow”

And most of the time, it turns out to be true. Through experience I’ve learnt that my emotions are very strong and change at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It just means I am “different” and that’s the best thing I ever learned about myself… That to be different is a good thing, in fact, it’s what makes ME special.

Desire – Now this is a fun feeling for me. I get swept up in it, and it becomes almost an obsession. I am a very sexual person and a lot of the time I have to pull myself back. So when I have the chance to feel genuine desire for someone it’s like being set free from a cage. Combine feeling desire in such an extreme way with a vivid and wild imagination, I can have some real fun times just rattling around ideas in my head. My writing becomes more vivid, more sensual, much dirtier and sexual. I’ve written some of my best work during times when I’m particularly interested in a gal.  On the negative side, the obsessive nature of how I experience desire can be a bit of a drain. I don’t like the fact that it’s all I can think about sometimes. But as I posted previously, I channel it into my writing and it’s far more constructive.  I’ll be honest a lot of the time I end up desiring women I can’t have. It’s kinda what I do, like girls I have no chance with,  but when I get a chance to, it’s ultra exciting and an encompassing experience being able to share how I feel desire with another.

Love – Now some would put love and desire in the same category, and for a long time I was one of them, but really they are extremely different things. But when you feel love, the desire is most certainly there too. But you can desire someone you don’t love. How I feel love is almost hard to explain. For a long time I believed I knew how it felt to actually be in love. I can honestly say I’ve only felt genuine love once in my life. I mean in terms of romantic love. I love my friends, I love my family. But loving someone else is an entirely different matter. When I was young, I loved how someone made me feel, especially not alone, but how I felt at that time was entirely about me. But I’ve learned that real love is something much greater, and not selfish at all.

Loving another person for me is to feel fearless. To be able to be who I really am, share all of myself without fear of abandonment or rejection. You know because that they love you too, that your feelings are returned in kind. She makes me feel special and even more good about myself. Any jealousy I feel is fleeting because I trust them not to betray me. I feel calm with her. No insecurity even. When we fight we get past it and move on because nothing is more important than being able to share our true feelings even if they sometimes cause conflict. There is no need to ever play games or test one another.

I’ve only ever felt that once. And she’s one of my best friends in the whole wide world. We will probably never be together but I can honestly say that I’ll love her forever. I have not got a connection with anyone else in the world like I do with her. Time and distance has never dulled it, and I don’t think it ever will.

Anger – Now this a tricky one. I don’t actually feel anger very much any more. Maybe that’s because I’ve stopped sweating the little things. Maybe it’s because I stopped drinking. Or maybe it’s because I lived in a house filled with rage and anger and my father’s anger caused me to be very afraid of my own anger. I guess the only time I feel angry now is when I’m disrespected or taken for granted. But mostly it’s anger at myself. For talking without thinking, or for going a little overboard even. I get angry at myself when I’ve believed I’ve scared someone away. I never take my anger out on others if I can help it. It’s not their fault and they don’t deserve to be treated as I was so many years ago.

When I was a lot younger I used to find I was angry at everything. Angry at the world, angry at my father. And I took that anger out on a lot of people. Mostly in a drunken state. I’ve woken up a few times over the years with blood on my clothes. No matter how much I drank I could never escape the shame nor the fear that I was gonna be just like my dad. I think that fear became the catalyst of me wanting to change. And change is a very good thing.

Trust – This was probably one of the hardest things to get used to. For the longest time I had trouble trusting anyone, but over time I decided to just give people a chance. Not everyone is out to hurt me or to screw me over. I was basically using how a few individuals treated me as justification to  surround myself in impregnable walls and masks. I used my lack of trust to isolate myself from everyone. But I reached a point where I was tired of being alone and that I actually need people in my life. The right people can help, the can even make you a better person. You just have to willing to take that chance. Sure it might not work out, but what if it does? 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