Mania & Hyper-sexuality

First off I just want to thank all the new followers I’ve picked up over the last few days. All of your stories entertain and inspire me every single day. You all help me in ways I cannot describe and it’s made me feel like I’m a part of something greater.  Well now on to last nights festivities.

Well last night I had my biggest manic episode in months. It’s been almost a year since I went crazy like that. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t think straight. I was on cloud nine and I felt invincible. My self-esteem sky rockets and I feel that anything was possible. My creative levels went through the roof. I should have detected this was coming because for the last few days I’ve been especially creative and horny. I’m pretty interested in a certain gal and we go back and forth a lot and I don’t know if that was a trigger or not, but it sure was a lot of fun. 

bfmh14-copy2Now all the positive feelings are great to feel, it’s just the shakiness I get and the self-awareness that I was manic that was scary. I always have to be mindful when I have episodes like that, because more often than not it triggers my hyper-sexuality and it’s very hard not to just dive in and go nuts so to speak. When I lived in Melbourne and I had an episode like this, I’d just hit the pubs and clubs are get me some action. With the heightened self-esteem, my charm levels also seem to be enhanced so I never really had any trouble finding some company. But there in lies a problem for me. I’ve never slept with anyone I’ve really loved before. And I’ve slept around a lot and it occurred to me that I’d like to know how that feels. So I made a conscious effort to stop sleeping around. I don’t ever think I’ll stop being a deviant or a horndog. It’s how I process my enhanced libido. But I don’t give myself to just anyone any more.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I love sex. It’s my favourite thing to do EVER. But I want it to actually mean something and so I have to be strong and keep my eye on the prize. I have to say NO to temptation because it would be so easy to fall back into old habits. Because it’s always felt so good at the time, it was afterwards when the endorphins have faded and I’m all alone again that the reality of the situation dawned on me. I hope that one day I can meet the right person and than I can show them all the sides of me. Because a lot of the time with a lot of people I feel I have to tone it down and it’s hard to do consciously. It’s like having super powers but not being able to use them around “regular people” it just doesn’t feel right.

Now some would argue that I should just be myself all of the time, but when it comes to the nature of my mental illnesses I’m always scared that people will think I’m a fuckwit and not want to have anything to do with me. I know that usually wont happen, because I am a great person with good intentions, but it’s hard trying to break that programming sometimes. Mind you I am a thousand times better than I was even 4 years ago. Back then I effectively played a character in social situations. I enhanced parts of my personality that I knew people responded to and hid the parts I know weren’t so “socially acceptable”. But now I’m pretty much me most of the time, albeit for a a few occasions where it’s probably appropriate to turn things down a notch.

I’m a pretty intense guy who wants to be chilled. I don’t sweat the little things if I can help it and I take things as they come. Like the title of this blog, I take things one day at a time and I don’t worry about the things in life I cannot control. I just obsess about the things I can control, teetering between being all over the place and then taking things back worried I overstepped the mark. Sometimes I want so bad for people to like me that I try too hard, and sometimes I could care less if people liked me or not because I’m fortunate enough to have some great friends in my life who understand that I’m not like everyone else and they love me regardless of my moods. It’s nice to know that I won’t be rejected by them and I’ll always love them for their continued love and support.

It’s with a solid support mechanism, an understanding of myself and medication that I’ve made all the progress I have today. It is possible to have Mental Illness as well as Mental Health. I know that it cannot be done alone, everyone needs a helping hand every now and then. The hardest part is reaching out. Once you’ve broken that shackle anything is possible.

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