Love and Bipolar

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Earlier tonight I was speaking with a friend and we were discussing his relationship with his significant other. He told me how insignificant she makes him feel and that no matter how hard he tries, it’s never good enough for her. My words of advice were simple.. I said “Dude, just leave.” We talked for an hour about how sad he feels and also how he can’t imagine his life without her. So I asked him if he liked being sad and he said no. So it really is that simple. If you’re unhappy, change things. Talk about how you feel and if they feel the same way, they will meet you half way.

You see, relationships are complicated but at the same time simple. It’s about communication and compromise. If the wants and desires are lopsided and based on making just one person happy, then it’s doomed to fail. I’ve had relationships last for years based purely on the sex. I’ve stuck with girls that I’ve never loved but hoped  that one day I might. Having such an extreme emotional spectrum, makes things hard for me, but unlike a lot of other people, I learn from my mistakes. 

I often try too hard, especially when I’m stuck on somebody. I try to be a great friend, both flirty and cheeky and put my best foot forward. And in reality nothing would make me happier than for them to feel the same way about me. But it just doesn’t work out like that. Is it their fault? Well not really. It’s all mine. You can’t help what you like, but at the same time, how long you choose to embarrass yourself trying to win the affections of another is entirely up to you. Why should anyone have to try that hard to maintain the attention of someone else? We are all special and we all deserve to find someone who loves us for who we really are. But it’s never simple. At least not for me anyway. I’ve never loved someone whose felt the same about me. It’s a sad fact, but it’s true. And I haven’t loved all that many. But what I have learned through experience is that you cannot make someone love you. No matter how much you’d love to hold them close, to feel their lips against yours.

You can’t make someone feel something. It’s just not possible.

I’ve been in situations where a girl was unsure about how she felt about me, but when she was drunk or horny I’d get all the attention I’d always wanted. But soon after, sometimes even the very next day, they were unsure again or just plain aloof.And for a long time, I always thought it must be something wrong with me. But the reality is that feelings are complicated sure, but how you define your self-worth isn’t. If you define your own worth through other people’s eyes, you’ll always end up being disappointed.  Love can only grow when you’ve learned to love yourself. You have to be able to decide your worth more, even if that means walking away from the person you love. Self respect is much better than hoping someone will eventually change their opinion of you. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone you loves you just like you love them.

Don’t deny how you feel about someone. Embrace it. Love is the most wonderful thing the world. It’s worth all the restless nights, the sadness and the tears. It’s worth it all, but not that the expense of your self-worth. If someone truly loves you, they will meet you half way. If someone loves you how you feel you deserve to be loved, then you’ll know it. But don’t let anyone abuse the fact that you love them to serve their own means.

Now there in lies the hardest part for me. I feel emotions in ways that not many people can understand. It’s like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes” I’m always all over the place emotionally.When I feel affectionate feelings, they can be quite strong. The old childhood desperation to prove myself and lavish attention and affection sweep over me, and sometimes for a while I give in to the emotions. But here lies the difference between me then and now. I try for a while and then eventually I take the hint. It’s hard to see things objectively when you’re up to your neck in it, but that’s when you need to take a step back.

I take pride in my ability to ride the waves and that my coping mechanisms are no longer based on sex. drugs or alcohol. I am no longer using people as an emotional punching bag. In fact, I’d rather punish myself than take it out on anyone else. It’s not anyone else’s fault to make me feel better about myself, it’s all on me. And It’s my honour to have people in my life who understand me, and love me, even if it isn’t romantically.

I never hate anyone for not feeling the same. It sucks sure, and sometimes it’s pretty painful but I’ve been through enough to know that I’ll survive. I’ve loved and lost a lot in my life. But I found my self-worth several years ago. I discovered it within myself and also through others. I’m not a failure because I don’t have someone to love and call my own. It doesn’t mean I’m undesirable, nor undeserving. I know I deserve it, and I know one day it will happen for me. I just have to learn to love the right kind of people. That’s probably the hardest part.

But I am never alone. I have people in my life who love me and that’s enough.

It’s a thousand times better to focus on all the things in life you have instead of being focussed on what is missing. I remind myself that I am a good person and I can make a difference to someone else’s life. It’s the only legacy we leave, is through the people in life who we touch. And those who miss us when we are gone. We live forever that way. You just have to be a good person, and stay true to yourself. Respect others, and love with reckless abandon. A moment of happiness is worth a month of sorrow. Remember the good times and let go of the past. Pain drags you down, and when you learn to love yourself then you’ll be ready for love to find its way into your life.

This is what I choose to believe. If it’s correct or not who knows? But attitude is everything and I’d rather hope than give up. Giving up just isn’t in me.

PS: Some might find it funny to get advice from a guy who doesn’t even have a girlfriend. But I do know what works. I just haven’t met the right person. Don’t hold that against me.

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