Journeys and Adventure aka the BPD love blog :P

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys, how is everybody doing?

Well today I’ve decided to write about struggles of self, self image and what people with mental illness often deem as their own insignificance. I also like to call it my invisibility powers. One of the biggest problems I have is with my self image is inexplicably linked with my insecurity and self-confidence. I often in my own desire to love and acceptance tend to try too hard if that makes sense. As much as I’d like to be able to “play it cool” I just don’t seem to have it in me. I know I’m not really invisible, but it feels like it sometimes. And all this reflection was triggered by an interest in a particular lady.. and an episode of Doctor Who.

This one gets a little personal folks, so don’t read if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned. It’s a bit of a running joke among my friends that I tend to pursue romantic relationships with the wrong types of people, or gals who just don’t like me in that way. But isn’t this the same for everyone? One of the biggest differences between me now and then, is that I’m not afraid to roll the dice these days.

It’s funny that watching the latest episode of Doctor Who (Season 8 premier) got me thinking about the nature of love and relationships. How you can love someone from afar for a long time and always find excuses in your head as to why things would never work. Why do people (myself included) find so many ways to talk ourselves out of things? Isn’t the reward worth the risk?

Having BPD means that emotions are always going to be a little or enhanced and the insecurity always feels more intense. But at the same time when I can look at it all objectively, which seems impossible at the time, I think I’ve sabotaged things more often than not. Maybe it’s a subconscious defence mechanism, maybe it’s easier if I push them away than to risk them seeing all I am and deciding to leave anyway?

I’m so confused when it comes to the matters of the heart. I don’t doubt myself in regards to who I am and what I have to offer. I know that I’m a good person and my life has moulded me into who I am, and I have so much to share. I guess I just want to have something more tangible to show for all the progress I’ve made in the last few years.

All my deepest desires seem to haunt me, like they linger just beyond my reach. And patience has never really been my strong suit. Once I catch a feel it tends to stick around. And I’ve gotten pretty good at moving on over the years. I’ve learned to let go and forgive. Not just those who have hurt me, but more importantly myself. I think that was my most important achievement. Like a lot of people, I used to see all the bad things that have happened in my life as being somehow my fault, like it was something I did, or deserved.

But really, sometimes in life shit happens. Relationships dissolve, expectations are not met, hearts are broken and everything hurts. I wasted a long period of my life lingering between wanting to escape how I felt and wanting to die. I actually believed that if I was gone that I wouldn’t be such a burden on anyone any more. The recent death of Robin Williams hit me harder than I thought it would. I guess because I felt so much in common with his story, besides the talent and success of course. I’ve always tried to make other people happy, because the smiles and laughter of others always helps to dumb my own pain.

I’ve always craved the love and acceptance of others. I think in a way we all do. I think it’s something in my life that I can’t deny is missing. Since I changed my promiscuous ways, it’s been hard. I don’t even miss having sex really. But I do miss simple companionship. I’m staring into the face of my own age and the parts of myself that seem missing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m missing something in me. In fact, I’m more self-aware than ever. And I genuinely believe in all the positive things I have to offer. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about some of the things I’m missing.

It’s funny, I always feel this way whenever I find myself intrigued by a woman. When I dare to care, dare to imagine a life between us. Love is an exciting and irreparably confusing thing to me. But at the same time, it’s the one undeniable time in my life where I feel the most alive. And to be approaching it in a far better way than before is even better. Sure to fail hurts, especially so when sober. But shame always came after the booze, so I made a choice. I’m not running away from how THIS feels. I’d rather feel alive than dive into a bottle or a drug to fight off the pain or pretend I never felt anything at all.

Having BPD means I am blessed to feel, even when it hurts.

To love someone is to risk everything. I’m not afraid to love. I’ve even stayed in relationships hoping that I could one day find love for them, but it doesn’t work like that. No one can tell you that you’re in love, you just know it in your heart. I’m not afraid to take a chance. I am a creature of habit like the rest of us. And not giving up is one of mine. I always see the best in people, even if they cannot see the best in me. I don’t hold it against them because we all are who we are and who am I to judge?

SHE is worth it. She’s always been worth it. And so am I. And back when I first knew her I couldn’t have said the same. In fact, I never though someone like her would ever be interesting in someone as mundane as ME. That’s how I used to see myself back then. But I’m not that lying, insecure boy I was. I’m not perfect by no means, but I am me.

I refuse to watch things go by. I’m tired of only loving from afar. I don’t want to feel safe on my own. I feel like Samwise Gamgee, taking that first step outside the shire a whole new world ahead of me. It might not work out. I might even stumble and fall. But I won’t stay down, I’ve gone too far into my journey already. The journey is, of course, never ending and it constantly forks between possibilities, hopes and dreams. But who knows what is around the next corner? The adventure is terrifying and exciting. Just like being in love. I’m just trying hard to not get ahead of myself and trip myself up. I’m just excited to feel again. It’s brings me to life.

Until next time,

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