Caring Too Fast aka The Getting Ahead of Myself Blog

Hey guys,

Sometimes I wonder if I can even care about people. It’s like I’ve built all these walls and hidden behind so many masks over the years, all in the vain hope that I’d be protected from some hypothetical harm that could happen. And sometimes I fall hard. More than I wanted to. It’s only really happened a couple of times in my whole life. Therein lies the dilemma. I care too much. And it drives me crazy. When I’m not interested in anyone I’m confident with myself and there are no complications… besides being lonely.

But then something comes along and it ruins everything. It ruins everything because I get caught up in it. It ruins everything because I find it hard to think about anything else since I’m so swept up in how amazing it feels and how alive I feel. Especially when it’s someone who I’ve always fancied and never for a moment thought that someone like her would want someone like me. It makes me feel like that boy I was, just wishing and hoping that someone special would notice me, the real me, and find it endearing. The worst part is that I’ve always liked her. And not because she’s beautiful, clever and talented. Because she sees the world differently, feels differently and is the most real person I’ve known. We have so much in common, and if I’d never gotten to show her how I feel I’d still be glad just to have known her. I never believed that it was possible to care about someone because of their insecurities, their doubts. The fact that she’s flawed makes her so much more real, and so much more intriguing to me.

The old me, who she knew, was hidden behind routines and sideshows, walls and masks, and she still saw there was more to me. She was a better friend than my “friends” were even though she was dating one of them at the time. I had some serious problems back then and tried so hard to dive into drugs and booze to forget, to become someone different. While everyone else was feeding me more alcohol so they could laugh at how I was embarrassing myself, she was the only one who was trying to protect me from myself, even if I didn’t really appreciate it at the time. This was a time before I knew what my bad dreams were really about, before I found some pride in myself and worked out that it was okay to just be me.

67303-Unrequited+love+quote+gardenNow don’t get me wrong, I am proud of the journey I’ve been on. Every step I’ve taken, from the drugs and booze, sex and suicide attempts, led me to where I am now. Now by no means am I perfect, but I really like who I am. I’ve cared for those I couldn’t have before, and it’s always sucked. In a way it’s been a theme in my life. But isn’t it the same for everybody? My dating life has always been a little askew. I’ve dated a lot of girls over the years. I’ve even thought I was in love with a couple of them… but in reality, the only people I’ve actually felt anything like real, intense, passionate love is for the ones who never seemed to notice me.

Does this mean I’m damaged? Or even unappreciative? Do I always want what I can’t have? I don’t know to be honest. All I know is how it FEELS. This is where it sucks the most. Because of my ability to have an abundance of feelings. I try to control them, but I always seem to get ahead of myself. Maybe I’m scary. Maybe I try too hard or I’m too pushy. Caring for someone romantically makes me feel excited and alive. But it also makes me so insecure that I find that my inner monologue is something like “Why are you being like this man? Just play it cool. She knows you like her, and she likes you too. Take a deep breath.” But the reality is a little more intense.

Maybe it’s the Borderline Personality. Or maybe it’s just how I’m wired. I’ve had a few relationships in my life and some of them were for years.. but I’ve never loved them like I always felt I should. Back then I felt like it was better than being alone. Sure I cared for them and genuinely enjoyed them but it didn’t feel right. I seemed to have a lot more success back in the day, but I wouldn’t take back the progress I’ve made. I don’t have to be Adam the “Character” I’m just plain old Adam, eccentric, excitable and very nerdy.

A friend told me once…. Stop wasting time on people who don’t love you. But is it ever as simple as that? If it feels right perhaps it’s worth all the pain, doubt and insecurity.  Perhaps she’d love me too if I simply told her.

Sure things could go bad and you could get hurt.. 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