Cloud Nine aka The Enjoy It While It Lasts Blog

Hey guys,

As someone who has BPD emotions can dominate many facets of my life. I often find it’s easier to get swept up in the negative emotions. At times feelings like sadness and loneliness can be overwhelming. I’ve spent many nights crying away deciding to focus entirely on the negatives, sad music only making things worse. It feels like the more miserable I feel the more cathartic the entire experience is. We all do it. But the question is “Why do we do it?” Could the answer be something as simple as “It makes me feel alive” or are human beings wired to conform to the negative side of things? We obsess about the things we don’t have, fixate on what is “missing”

But it’s occurred to me that people with mental health issues do not take the time to celebrate the positives of the emotional spectrum. Now I know all too well the fear that comes with being happy. We’re afraid it could end and let’s be honest, it could. At any given moment life could turn on it’s head and fuck things up royally.

Now speaking from a personal perspective here, I’m currently in a situation where I’m growing ever closer to a gal I’ve been into since I was in my 20’s. Our relationship now is so much more than I couldn’t have imagined back then. We’ve both grown and seen hard times, and it’s our mutual experiences that have helped us bond. I like her for reasons I couldn’t fathom back then. I’m just crazy about her.. And instead of focusing on what could happen, I’ve decided to take it all one day at a time and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Hopefully it lasts a long long time, but one can never tell with these things. Emotions can be so fleeting and almost fickle. But love, real love, is forever. I know I’m a romantic and an idealist, but I rather be an optimist than a god awful pessimist. I can under a pessimists point of view. Expect the worst and nothing will disappoint you.

But where’s the joy in looking at things like that?

Sure things might not work out, but there’s no harm in going into things with a positive view of things. It all happens for a reason I like to think. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in fate but I believe we manifest our own destiny.

And for me a lot of things changed when I stopped being so hard on myself. I had to forgive myself for all the dumb mistakes I’ve made and move on.

Now I just approach my life with as much positivity and attitude as I can. Sure things might blow up at any given moment, but fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy the ride. I’ve channelled all this emotion into my writing and it’s been fantastic so far.

———————
Untitled

My dear love, I wanted to share
My thoughts, my feelings and
What makes me despair
I want to share with you
What makes me happy; what makes me feel blue..
So you can sense that my love is honest and true.

Every day not a single minute
Passes by without you in it
Your skin, your voice, your body and your touch
All of these moments, I miss them so much.

You are so present, so deep in my heart
And our souls, I just know, will never part,
But circumstance and distance can be so overwhelming
They close doors and create doubt and we start blaming..

There are actions of mine and I know that for sure..
That feel so wrong, though my intentions are pure
They are painful and impossible to bear
And you feel it’s all so unfair.

You can’t run from yourself;
There is no place to hide
It just hurts you so deep
It hurts your heart and your pride.

Then I worry that if I continue to stay
Will it be wrong and will I be in your way?
I fear that I am not at all what you need
And that this truth will make my heart break and bleed.

Then I sit here and wipe away my tears
Wishing you could kiss away my fears
If only you knew how much.
I miss and need your embrace and your touch

I know I can’t hide from my thoughts and my fear
And I know at these times I don’t seem near
But you break down these walls
With the strength of your love
And then I feel blessed
From God above!

My love for you runs so deep through my vein
That I dream of you, in spite of the pain.

——-

Attitude is EVERYTHING folks! Enjoy the moments that a are your life. Stay true to yourself and what you want. Do what makes senses to YOU and no one else. Ignore those who tell you what you CAN’T do and embrace those who BELIEVE in you. Life is far too short to waste a moment of it on people who only want to drag you down and hold you back.

Every moment of my life I try to fill with love and passion, at least as much as I can anyway.

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