Another Year In The Bag…

Hey,

As the end of 2014 dawns upon us I figured it was time to reflect on this year… at least in anticipation of the new year. That’s what people do don’t they? Fucked if I know but I’m gonna do it anyway.

It was a year of great progress and serious setbacks. I’m going to try to focus on the positives if I can but I make no promises.

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Random

I am a coward

I’d rather not tell you that I get butterflies every damn time I think of you or that being around you is all it takes to make me happy, because attaching my happiness to someone who could potentially leave is f*cking terrifying. So I’m not going to tell you that I like you, or that one half-drunk conversation we had been when I knew I might have feelings for you, or that I find your half-grin endearing, or that I panic when I see you because I can feel myself blushing. In fact, I’m not even going to acknowledge you. Rather than get to the point of having to admit that I like you, I am going to do my best not to notice you. I will try so damn hard to stifle a smile when you walk into the room. Instead, I will look over my glasses at you, raise an eyebrow, and go back to my work as if you are taking up my time, all the while my face will feel as if it is on fire and I will have to read the same sentence five times in order to get back on track. As long as I can disguise my cowardice as general disdain I can keep you at a distance so that someday I won’t have to say “Hello” and nervously await the day when I am forced to say “Goodbye,” because at the end of the day… everyone goes away.

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Untitled.

I don’t want to lie here thinking about you.
I don’t want to wonder what I must have done wrong because that’s the only possible reason you haven’t been talking to me lately.
I hate being this self absorbed but I cannot help it.
I don’t want to have a thought about you come creeping into my head while I’m trying to sleep.
I don’t want you invading my dreams just to taunt me further.
I cannot deny I’m crazy about you.
Hell maybe I’m actually crazy.
I needed to get this out of my system.
I need to know you’re okay.
I need you to say something, even if it’s just something horrible like “I’m sorry Adam I can’t talk to you anymore”
I used to think ignorance is bliss but it’s the silence that kills me.
I hate feeling so god damn needy.
I hate how starved for love I must be, that on the rare occasions I actually feel something it becomes something that swallows me whole and makes me so damn insecure.
I want to slow down and take a deep breath but I don’t know how. It’s never really been my style.
I hate being so damn intense.
Maybe it’s a subconscious way of self sabotaging a future relationship.
Or maybe, just maybe, I just think way too fucking much.
I don’t want to write soppy romantic poetry that doesn’t even touch the surface of how this feels for me sometimes.
I just want a chance to make you happy.
I just want you.

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